Re: My daughter - Depression, SSRIs - Booted from College

I agree with the other poster. If the
communication is not there, at your
daughter's age, you have to toss the
choices and the owning of them into
her court. I know this from experience.
When I divorced my daughter's father,
her reaction was to do the only thing
she felt she had control over, which
was to not eat. Talk about painful,
watching my beautiful daughter go to
a size zero and become a walking skeleton
was horrible. Nothing we could say helped
and my only choice was to go to counseling
where someone else assured me I had zero
control over her life choices. I had to
"hear" that to heal my pain. Then I was
enabled to talk with her. She would scream
at me and hang up but the gist of the
"tough love" talk was that if no one else
was going to reflect her choices back to
her, it would be me. She said she hated me.
I said yeah, that may be true, but I do not
hate you. I will ALWAYS love you and it is
YOUR choice to love me or not. It took her
a while to come back from the fire so to
speak, but it was after taking away that
emotional factor of her using anoxeria to
hurt me that she no longer had the emotional
investment in continuing that behavior.
I also sent her magazine subscriptions on
Running which she liked and which had plenty
of articles on health which she was able to
read and identify with. The point being not
to get hooked into power struggles. She has
all kinds of weapons she seems to be using.
You WILL have to have some difficult talks
with your daughter. For example, cutting off
her support would force her to get a job and
you can enable her in less increments. Say,
within 6 months we expect this...and you can
expect this...

I did give my daughter alternative options.
Certainly if your daughter is on prescription
drugs, her chemistry could well be compromised
and be affecting her mood and outlook. I was
more fortunate since my daughter's father and
I were on the same page. Again, if you and your
wife need to have some hard talks, go for it.
Duke it out with her so you can project a
unified front. When this happens, you have a
chance to improve the quality of communication
that seems to have perhaps been unbalanced for
a long time since your daughter cannot even
admit to her drinking to you. Do some self
talk too and become willing to reflect the
hard reality of your choices and the choices
of your family. Certainly, processed food
can begin to disappear from your house if
you want to offer only healthier options.
This can be difficult but today is the first
day of the rest of your life too. Get a
steamer and juicer and make stuff for your
wife and you and invite your daughter to have
some. Make no effort to preach beyond the
point of emphasizing that you are owning your
choices and everyone else needs to do the same.
Remember the time when you daughter was learning
to walk. My daughter crawled backwards first
and cried in frustration when we would not
come "fetch" her. Using positive reinforcement
emphasized HER self accomplishments. As she
grew up and away from us, we used weekly
dinners as quality "family" time. This is a
good habit since it shows the family members
that it is important to "make" time to spend
together. More than anything, talking with
each other make it possible to talk about
anything no matter how difficult. We were
not afraid to say what the other person did
not want to hear.

Here is a product I used to help myself feel
better since I was not going to take any
anti-depressants either~~

http://www.herbalhealer.com/stress.html

I know it will be difficult to shift
the family dynamics and move out of the
dysfunctional "comfort zone", but it will
be a huge step towards healing everyone.
Take care of yourself and be an example
or a light in the dark. That is the best
you can do.

best wishes,
Zoe

-_-