Dear Janaki,
After I wrote you the message, I contacted an adoption agency in my area. It just happened that tonight was their monthly meeting, so I just got back from there. It was very interesting to find out things about adoption and I already put an application in. Now, I will leave it in the hands of God.
You are right, loving any child will be the same love that I would have given my Mom, if she would be alive. After I wrote the message to you I thought about the day my Mom was burried. The child doesn't have to be born that day, but wouldn't it be mind blowing if she would? We'll see, now it's up to God. I know it sounds very cliche to leave it up to God, but I learned a long time ago that God has always better plans than us, He gives us much more, in a different way than we imagined or asked for.
Love, Elena.
PS Thank you, again, you really made me come to a conclusion today and turn pain into hope.

You have a very stong reason to be here. Believe it or not, my 8 years old Daughter IS the reason that keeps me alive. Today I even heard it from the detective's mouth(the detective that takes care of the problem I mentioned in my other message). The way I had my Daughter was not the most Orthodox way...I was very lonely after coming here, to America and I made the mistake to 'sleep' with my ex, who was just a good friend. That's how we ended up being married, we both love her, but we can't be together, because it's just like gasoline and fire...a disaster. Before I used to think that it was unfair to use my Daughter as a reason to be alive, but today I had a change of heart about that. It is the truth, so let it be. Maybe along the way I will find other reasons. But for now, it is the most noble reason to exist and try to be the best woman I can be.

About the longing, I noticed something when I met a guy that I really loved passionatelly and afterwards we became friends only, it seemed that being in his presence, my longing made sense...maybe the longing is a past unfulfilled love we had, (I even have one unfulfilled love in THIS life). I remained friends with the first guy, I even told him about that feeling and the fact that it seemed to be connected with him, I don't know if he totally understood, but he was very spiritual about it. The second guy in this paragraph is a different story, I love him so much that I thought about him day and night ever since I met him(before I even knew my husband to be), but we can't connect at all. But the love I have for him is so strong and pure that it helped thru really difficult times( I am very grateful that I can love so strong because he exists). I even joked with him that in the next life, HE will run to find me. I don't think that he understood what I meant. If I leave this world without knowing that he loves me(which I can feel but I can't see), I will carry the burden of sadness again in my next life and I really believe that if I can't have his love in this lifetime, this will be a reason for me to come back.(I believe that some souls are so 'purified' and perfect that they don't even incarnate again in human beings). Unfortunatelly, none of those two guys are my ex-husband.
The more I think about the longing, the more I realize that it got less and less burdensome when I met the guy I mentioned first, that seemed to be connected with it. Maybe it was his soul that in my past life I couln't know and now, because I know that he sincerely loves me as a very special friend, so now it feels like the longing is almost gone. I had a moment when we were peacefully sitting next to each other in bed and just gazing into each other's eyes and I felt like I was being healed. We had intimacy, too,in our relationship, but that was not what healed me, it was that gaze into each other's eyes, that seemed to trespass the notion of time...I told him right-a-way what was happening for me and I think that he felt the same. After that happened, we realized that we loved each other, but not in a phisical way, but just as two souls. It is great to grow up, you can learn love on a totally diferent level, a man and a woman can love each other way beyond sex(I was never crazy about sex anyway...sorry for being so weird).
So maybe you can be so lucky to meet someone that will give you that look into the past thru his/her eyes, I think that I was so lucky. It was that kind of relationship that drove me nuts in the beginning, because I knew it wasn't about sex, but much more and I couldn't make sense about it until the 'gaze'. To you, it might not be a sexual relantionship with another human being that will lead to healing, but it might be ANYBODY, a stranger in the supermarket or a relative or...possibilities are endless. But I know that YOU WILL HAVE THE HEALING FOR YOUR UNEXPLAINED LONGING. You actually made me realize that I am so lucky, ever since I met Jeff(that's his name) I am feeling better. He is not my partner in life, I am not desiring him with my body, but the love I have for him and his soul(that is not perfect, but just very special), so this love healed my unexplainable pain. It helped that he could go beyond of being just a mucho man and he opened up his soul to me and he told me that he loved me.
I hope that I made sense, I said before in my messages, I am Romanian, so English is my second language and maybe the way I write is confusing.
You will have a healing, it doesn't have to be like mine, but I think that your longing is for a soul that you loved, but could not have. You will love and be loved this time around...you will see!
Love, Elena.

I think that I was too sad last night to aknoledge your car accident. What a nightmare... I am very sorry that you had to go thru that. I don't know what it is, I have never been in a bad car accident, but I can only imagine. I am glad that you were rescued. You are a very good, intelligent and sensitive human being, I can feel that you have lots of love, wisdom and compassion to share. So thank God that He spared your life!
Love, Elena.

PS I know what post traumatic syndrome is. I still have it for many years after working in emergency room. While I was working there(in Romania) I saw a lot of things, but I never had anybody to share it with, part because I want to keep people innocent about how fragile we really are in our human bodies. I am not even going to tell anything that I had to do, because some of the things might be way too scary for people that are not familiar with working in ER . Now, when I hear sirens, I get a huge rush of adrenaline(that was very useful there, in the ER, in order to be able to work fast without being too emotional) and after the adrenaline is gone, I feel just pure terror and for a while images of what I had to see and do are coming to my mind... I was a very useful nurse there, but I guess I needed to be very detached and that I couldn't be. Or maybe I didn't have enough time to work there and become like the other nurses. I just worked there one year after nursing school. I think that talking to you now is helping me realize that I have to address this issue, the terror that those images are making me feel, I will write everything down and I will try to work it out. It would have been easier for me if at that time I would have had a partner, but life was only about survival(almost everybody in Romania was pretty much starving, just like at the present time) and nobody had any love to spare with me. The only good thing that I think I accomplished by being in the ER was that I really learned to love strangers, I realized how much support we need when in trouble, I realized how fragile we are and that gave me humility...and many other things. I saw many people pass away and I held their hands while they were taking their last breath and I cried for each and one of them(at home in my bed). One lady in a lavender angora sweater held my hand and she was telling me that she didn't want to die, but her injuries were so severe that she literally passed away in my arms, while she was clinging to my body. That lady's soul came to me so many times and I everytime allowed her to get into my body to experience one more time how it is to feel THIS world thru my senses.(Some people are going to declare me insane now, for what I just said, but some people know it is true and are going to be comforted.) I guess that we take for granted what we feel here, maybe even pain is worth feeling. About the lady in a lavender sweater, she is gone now, in a sense that she is not asking me to let her feel thru my body, but I can still invoque her any time I want, even now as I am writting this. I think that she found peace at last, because she doesn't seem to be scared and frantic anymore, now she is the one that is giving me comfort.
One other thing that I can't keep for myself is the saddest thing I had to see. Two sibling were brought at my emergency room in a blanket by firefighters and when we took the blankets off them, they looked as if they were peacefully asleep, but smoke was coming out of their beautiful bodies. They were gone for sure, together, two little angels. Their Mother came after a short while and I saw the raw pain of a Mother for losing her children. I think that absolutely all the people that worked that day and got to see that were wishing it would have been them the ones that died, so that Mother would have been spared of that pain...Words are just too poor to describe that loss...But when I think about that, I realize that my Daughter is EVERYTHING for me and I treasure every second with her, even if we're having a rough time. I am just so lucky!!!
The only negative thing about working in ER is what I told you earlier, the reaction I get when I hear sirens. Or maybe is a longing to be there again and help? God knows, but my point is, I know what post traumatic syndrome is and I wish both of us to be able to handle it in a way that it doesn't make us weak.
Love, Elena.

Hi,

I can really relate to your feelings. I have grappled with the same ones all of my life as well. Although I have never attempted suicide, it is a motif in my life. My mother tried many times to kill herself and my brother actually did. Depression runs in our family. If you have grown up in a dysfunctional family, I found the book LEGACY OF THE HEART: THE SPIRITUAL ADVANTAGES OF A PAINFUL CHILDHOOD by Wayne Muller very helpful in understanding how I was impacted by everything I endured.

In trying to help myself over the years, here are some of the conclusions I have come to which may or may not help you:

1) Apparently I died a violent death in the lifetime previous to this one and because I was murdered, I reincarnated fairly quickly without benefit of a resting period. This can lead to feeling resistant to being here.

2) According to a past life regressionist I spoke to, many of our issues stem from our pre-birth (vs. pastlife) experiences. My mother admitted to me that she didn't want me and tried to induce a miscarriage. Unborn children are very vulnerable to the emotional/mental states of both their parents, not only at conception, but throughout the nine-month gestation period (read THE SECRET LIFE OF THE UNBORN CHILD by Dr. Thomas Verny). As well, my father really only wanted sons and had no interest in daughters. I think that feeling unloved and unwanted at birth caused me to become disconnected from my feelings because I couldn't handle that situation. So at some level I decided to disengage from myself, my feelings and life in general. Being so disconnected, it's only natural to not want to be here. What a miserable existence!! Our DNA gets imprinted with the emotional baggage of not only our parents but also our ancestors as well.

3) Then there's the unresolved emotional traumas and resultant negative feelings/emotions from our past lives.

4) Nutritional deficiencies such as Omega 3 fats (THE OMEGA-3 CONNECTION by Andrew L. Stoll, M.D.).

5) Environmental Toxins - heavy metals (THE BRAIN CHEMISTRY DIET by Michael Lesser, M.D.)

6) Candida overgrowth and/or parasitic infestations

7) Hormonal imbalances

8) SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I find I am very sensitive to lack of sunlight and use full-spectrum lighting to help with this.

Anyhow, there are so many factors which can contribute to messed up brain chemistry, it boggles the mind. No wonder so many people rely on anti-depressants.

Anyhow, not to depress anyone further, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am currently utilizing a technique called "scripting" which apparently can reprogram the DNA to help one uncover one's perfect genetic blueprint. You do not need to remember how the negative programming took place and it will address issues stemming from inherited ancestral issues or past life issues as well. It is amazing. I cannot recommend this tool more highly. They are described in detail in Karol K. Truman's phenomenol books FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE NEVER DIE and HEALING FEELINGS FROM THE HEART. Check out her website too at www.healingfeelings.com or read some of the phenomenol testimonials on Amazon.com.

I realize I outlined many things which could be contributing to Depression and the feelings of not wanting to be here, but I feel the most important is addressing unresolved negative emotions/feelings stemming from this lifetime, past lifetimes, or inherited from our ancestors.

May everyone reading this be blessed with light, love and hope...
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Hi,

I can really relate to your feelings. I have grappled with the same ones all of my life as well. Although I have never attempted suicide, it is a motif in my life. My mother tried many times to kill herself and my brother actually did. Depression runs in our family. If you have grown up in a dysfunctional family, I found the book LEGACY OF THE HEART: THE SPIRITUAL ADVANTAGES OF A PAINFUL CHILDHOOD by Wayne Muller very helpful in understanding how I was impacted by everything I endured.

In trying to help myself over the years, here are some of the conclusions I have come to which may or may not help you:

1) Apparently I died a violent death in the lifetime previous to this one and because I was murdered, I reincarnated fairly quickly without benefit of a resting period. This can lead to feeling resistant to being here.

2) According to a past life regressionist I spoke to, many of our traumas stem from our pre-birth (vs. pastlife) experiences. My mother admitted to me that she didn't want me and tried to induce a miscarriage. Unborn children are very vulnerable to the emotional/mental states of both their parents, not only at conception, but throughout the nine-month gestation period (read THE SECRET LIFE OF THE UNBORN CHILD by Dr. Thomas Verny). As well, my father really only wanted sons and had no interest in daughters. I think that feeling unloved and unwanted at birth caused me to become disconnected from my feelings because I couldn't handle that situation. So at some level I decided to disengage from myself, my feelings and life in general. Being so disconnected, it's only natural to not want to be here. What a miserable existence!! Our DNA gets imprinted with the emotional baggage of not only our parents but also our ancestors as well.

3) Then there's the unresolved emotional traumas and resultant negative feelings/emotions from our past lives.

4) Nutritional deficiencies such as Omega 3 fats (THE OMEGA-3 CONNECTION by Andrew L. Stoll, M.D.).

5) Environmental Toxins - heavy metals (THE BRAIN CHEMISTRY DIET by Michael Lesser, M.D.)

6) Candida overgrowth and/or parasitic infestations

7) Hormonal imbalances

8) SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I find I am very sensitive to lack of sunlight and use full-spectrum lighting to help with this.

Anyhow, there are so many factors which can contribute to messed up brain chemistry, it boggles the mind. No wonder so many people rely on anti-depressants.

Anyhow, not to depress anyone further, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am currently utilizing a technique called "scripting" which apparently can reprogram the DNA to help one uncover one's perfect genetic blueprint. You do not need to remember how the negative programming took place and it will address issues stemming from inherited ancestral issues or past life issues as well. It is amazing. I cannot recommend this tool more highly. They are described in detail in Karol K. Truman's phenomenol books FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE NEVER DIE and HEALING FEELINGS FROM THE HEART. Check out her website too at www.healingfeelings.com or read some of the phenomenol testimonials on Amazon.com.

I realize I outlined many things which could be contributing to depression and the feelings of not wanting to be here, but I feel the most important is addressing unresolved negative emotions/feelings stemming from this lifetime, past lifetimes, or inherited from our ancestors.

May everyone reading this be blessed with light, love and hope...