Wife still close to ex 
#15328
20 y
2,317
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My wife of two years has asked me to be good friends with a long term friend of hers. I agreed cheerfully.
For some time now, I have become uncomfortable seeing him, as when we do, he showers my wife with kisses and firm hugs. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have a problem with this, but I noticed that my wife is the ONLY recipient of such affection. No other female that arrives is treated in the same way.
I have discussed this with my wife and she has explained it by saying that they have been friends for a long time. I accepted this.
Recently, I have noticed that these displays of affection are becoming more pronounced. Once again, I have raised my continuing discomfort with my wife.
After a long discussion, she has revealed that they were lovers during my wife's previous marriage. This has made me extremely uncomfortable.
I fully understand that we all have a past, and have no problems with that.
My problems stems from the fact that my wife wishes me to have a friendship with an ex lover. I cannot stand the thought of seeing this man anymore. It is now very distressing.
I have explained this to my wife, but she does not want to stop seeing this man.
I have advised her that I will no longer accompany her to see him, as it is too painful. I have not said that I wish her to discontinue seeing him, as I feel I have no right to make such demands.
Am I wrong to make such a stand?
I do trust my wife but I do not trust this man. I think he will take advantage as soon as an opportunity presents itself.
I also feel very hurt that my feelings are being discounted.
I would love to know what others think.
Thanks
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- Re: Wife still close to ex been there done that
20 y
2,099
MoreThis is a reply to # 665,277Your feelings are being ignored BIGTIME to say the least. Your wife is playing you like a piano. You are the man in the house, you have a duty to put your foot down, and, if in the future, you have reason to become verbally abusive, your wife has herself to blame for that. There is still such a thing as "Domestic Abuse". If you took your wife to a women's shelter and let her get to know some battered wives, she would learn to appreciate you much more, not that she doesn't now, she must be ecstatic that you are accomodating her to let her hug and kiss the other guy. I don't mean any offense but,...Are you crazy? You know very well that your wife shouldn't be doing this to you, remind her of her marriage vows.
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- Re: Wife still close to ex #15328
20 y
2,042
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This is a reply to # 665,281Thanks for the input.
I am trying top tread as carefully as I can, trying not to inflame the situation unnecessarily.
However, making a decision not to play "happy families" anymore is certainly drawing a line in the sand.
I will be interested if she still feels the need to see him anymore.
Thanks again for your comments.- too far just_peachy
20 y
2,361
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This is a reply to # 665,285Ok, while I am usually an advocate for maintaining friendships, even with ex's, if possible and not problematic, and I have many friends of the opposite sex, I would have to say that maintaining a friendship, especially a close friendship, with *an affair from a previous marriage* would be more than I would tolerate.
I think the difference is that ex-lovers or ex-partners were simply relationships, while a lover someone had while still married had already once crossed that line of breaking trust and breaking vows no matter how awful the marriage was. This man has already proven that it does not bother him to be involved with a married woman, in this case your wife! Yes, that goes too far to expect you to be comfortable with it.
That she was not upfront about their history right from the beginning and took so long to finally tell you is also not a good sign.
To add to that, she is the only female recipent of his public displays of affection? Regardless of how close they were and even if she is no longer interested in him, she should stop that behaviour as it is not appropriate, especially considering their past. If they had not had an affair and he was a hug everybody type person, it would be different. But, they did and he is not, so the entire rules change.
In your case, as her husband and the man she chose to be with, you are well within your rights to say that you do not want her associating with him. She needs to make a decision.
Good luck!
- Re: too far #15328
20 y
2,139
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This is a reply to # 665,287Thank you so much for your honest and thoughtful response. You have put this in an unemotional and logical way.
I appreciate your time... thanks...
Mark - Update Thevenard
20 y
2,089
This is a reply to # 665,287Thank you for your comments. I gain great comfort in discussing these matters with others who have felt the same pain and anguish.
I once again raised the matter with my wife, in a kind and non confronting way. She agreed to ring this chap and let him know the problems this situation has caused, and the strain it has put on our marriage. She rang him yesterday afternoon. She told him they will not be seeing each other again. I am curious to know what his wife will think of this as I believe she also doesn't know about their prior relationship.
Since then, my wife has been "cool". I feel she is very unhappy having to make the call, and the prospect of not seeing this guy again. The main problem for her is that this chap had been a friend for many years.
I guess once you cross that "line", especially when you are still married (to her first husband) some things just DO change.
I still feel that it is wrong to introduce your current partner to an ex lover. I feel my wife can now understand that as well.
A small spark has been extinguished in our marriage. it will be interesting to see how that wound heals in the future.
Once again, thanks to the contributors, you've been a great help.
Mark
- Re: too far #15328
20 y
2,139
- Re: Wife still close to ex been there done that
20 y
2,112
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
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Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 665,285Yeah, you're trying TOO hard, she shouldn't be making DIFFICULT situations. If you tip toe on this, she'll respect you less and less. She'll make a habit of doing whatever she can get away with. This is only the beginning. Women know that this is not to be done in a marriage. She's not stupid, she knows exactly what she's doing.
- too far just_peachy
20 y
2,361
- Re: Wife still close to ex oldsoul
9 y
1,375
This is a reply to # 665,281I am in a similar situation. However, I am the wife and I am friends with my ex and my husband knows. He has met him many times and they are respectful to each other. I know my ex still likes me, and he still tries to flirt with me too. However, there was a reason why we broke up and theres a reason why we are not together today. Your wife is with you for a reason. If they were meant to be, she would've been with him now. Perhaps he is able to provide a certain feeling that she is used to and maybe isn't getting from you. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She still loves you because she is with you. I sometimes do feel good when my ex flirts with me because it makes me feel "special" even after everything that has happened. It is hard for her to dislike him because he is still very respectful and sweet to her, so she takes it all in. Which doesn't mean she doesn't love you and like I said, if she did love her ex, she would be with him today and not you. But she's with you and not him. I hope this helps you understand her position and I can somewhat relate to what she is feeling. Give her the trust and she will value it so much. My husband trusts me and it makes it so easy for me to be very honest with him.
- Re: Wife still close to ex #15328
20 y
2,042
- Re: NO WAY, NO HOW... mtnndeww
20 y
2,039
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 665,277would I ever tolerate my wife buddying up with the ex...it's out of control absurdity! For you to even consider such a thing is off the charts naivity. She chooses "friendship" with the ex over your concerns...isn't that a hint? Hello in there!! Her previous actions of adultery not hit home for ya?? You map out a dangerous course for the future. It's time to circle the wagons and make some hard decisions about her loyalty. She seems to have already made the choice.- Re: NO WAY, NO HOW... #14327
20 y
2,171
This is a reply to # 665,310I totally agree with your post. The reason I'm responding is to talk about a post in another forum you made 5 months ago in the so-called Love Forum on the Cure Zone.
You mentioned that women must try to keep the same excitement going into the marriage and that they shoudn't wonder why their husbands stray. I totally agree.
They weren't offended but they were in lala land with stupid little snide responses. I would've thought I was overhearing a 6th grade glass with their brain-damaged little "I'm doing nothing wrong. I don't have to be an acrobat, maybe the husband should worry about the hunk next door"
No wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Women just don't get it (understand) anymore!- Women are way more superficial then ... #14327
20 y
2,130
This is a reply to # 665,317The same "sexual excitement" otherwise why is it that they wonder about their man straying. Women almost make half as much as men and I've had it with male bashing. I of curse am a male.
I'm glad that women can make almost as much but I have NO SYMPATHY AT ALL when I hear about their love problems. Fat, gross-looking women can get men with no problem. The male sex drive endures that.
Then it's boo hoo hoo, lifes so unfair. You women almost make as much as we do and you have more power in the dating game so....
It's just funny when women whine that men are shallow andjudge them for looks. That is so not true. Women are way more picky and it's in evidence if you take a look around. It goes beyond looks into "how much do you make?" and all of this other superficial stuff.
It seems to me that women want to whine then they can't get Mr. GQ but if a man gets someone better looking then he deserves then they can criticize him. It's politically correct. Well, I've had it with sitcoms depicting men as the dumb ones. That's such fiction if you really think about it. It's almost 50/50 as far as IQ's go so unbrainwash yourselves PLEAAAASEE!
Go ahead and say I'm bitter. I'm trying not to be. When I get my career together, I'll settle for a women who's 50 LBS overweight as opposed to a woman who's full of themselves. I've dated both types and I'm not putting up with another arrogant batch!- Re: Women are way more superficial t... #14327
20 y
2,056
This is a reply to # 665,318A fat chick can get a guy. The male sex drive ensures that but try being a 5 or a 4 out of 10 in terms of appearance as a guy. Good luck!
- Really? Women are way more superfici... just_peachy
20 y
2,150
This is a reply to # 665,319Well, I've always gone for intelligence, humor, and, how to put this, what 'vibes' they give off. I tend to like the Professor type over the Hero. Macho men are a major turn off to me, so are frat boys, GQ poster children, and anything in a wife beater t-shirt.
Many of the men I've gone out with were not what Vogue would even look twice at, but I don't look at Vogue except the cover in the supermarket checkout. My husband is gorgeous to me, but there's a long, metaphysical story there. I knew he'd be important in my life before I ever heard of or laid eyes on him. But, I'll grant you, looking at him is very pleasing to my eye. However, he is one of the smartest, funniest, most loving and caring men I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and even if his teeth fall out and he gains 100 lbs, he's still the love of my life and has my heart.
Not all of us are as superficial as the supermarket glossies make us out to be. Many of us find those plastic women as annoying as plastic men.
- Re: Really? Women are way more super... just_peachy
20 y
2,109
This is a reply to # 665,320Oh, and he dang sure ain't rich! LOL
He has no fears that I married him for his money, because he's never had any to speak of! =)- Re: Really? Women are way more super... grog
20 y
2,014
This is a reply to # 665,322I bet he's not ugly either! lol! Like I said all the deep women are here on curezone! Ms.Peachy!
- Re: Really? Women are way more super... #14327
20 y
2,134
This is a reply to # 665,331I've seen women pick looks over character. I''m average looking myself and I'm in good shape.
It never ceases to amaze me how these some of these women will pick super good looking jerks over decent average looking guys.
- Re: Really? Women are way more super... #14327
20 y
2,134
- Re: Really? Women are way more super... grog
20 y
2,014
- Re: Really? Women are way more super... #14327
20 y
2,104
This is a reply to # 665,320I just find it frustratin be a man and I've always had a dating life. But lately I've been so turned off, I feel that I don't relate anymore. I'm going to pull myself out of my turtle shell.
I just had a really bad experience with online dating. I'll never do that again unless I live in another part of the country because "regional attitudes make a difference"
I'm sick of the male-bashing that's become accepted and men who should know better have become accomplices in this inaccurate-reverse-sexism. I'm sick of hearing guys say "Well, you know how dumb men can be". They say this to women who they aren't even trying to impress. I think they actually believe this.
- Re: Really? Women are way more super... just_peachy
20 y
2,109
- Re: Women are way more superficial t... grog
20 y
2,081
This is a reply to # 665,319Ya it is a sad statement but so true I think that all the deep women are here on curezone! Unless you have money of course! I live in a tourist town and its incredible what you see! Old bald headed guys with beerbellies sticking out so far you wonder how they do it, with young pretty women hanging all over them! But they have the brand shiny new Harlies and and the Bmws Taking them shopping its a mazing when you see these women acting so proud they got a man with bucks! Lol I guess I'm jealous! Of their Harleys that is ! Lol! Grog
- Good, Glad you aren't jealous of the... Fountain of Youth
20 y
2,094
This is a reply to # 665,321Not that they are all bad, but for the most part, the women in those roles are either manipulative witches (or something similar sounding) or short on mental abilities. The wunderlust of money and the material things it can buy are the only thing that they understand as joy. Give me a guy in a beat up chevy that is intellectual and average looking any day.
- Re: Good, Glad you aren't jealous of... grog
20 y
2,132
This is a reply to # 665,351Well hey Im your guy! Chevy pick up trucks most of my life! But I do want one o them Harleys So I pick up deep intellectual fun lovin Women! lol Grog
- Re: Good, Glad you aren't jealous of... grog
20 y
2,132
- Good, Glad you aren't jealous of the... Fountain of Youth
20 y
2,094
- Really? Women are way more superfici... just_peachy
20 y
2,150
- Re: Women are way more superficial t... #14327
20 y
2,056
- Re: 14327 ROCKS! mtnndeww
20 y
2,055
- Women are way more superficial then ... #14327
20 y
2,130
- Re: NO WAY, NO HOW... #14327
20 y
2,171
- Re: Wife still close to ex paulista
20 y
2,240
This is a reply to # 665,277I totally understand you. I am a woman but I have been in a similar situation with my fiance. Your wife has to respect how you feel and back off this guy. She should not lead him on. She should avoid him altogether, especially if he still has the hots for her.
If she doesn't oblige, maybe you can give her a taste of her own medicine... - Re: Wife still close to ex snow-runner
15 y
2,390
This is a reply to # 665,277Hello friend,
Thank you for sharing your story.
I guess I would be in similar dilemma on your place.
So your sharing is helping us I am sure.
Allow me to think from that distance.
If i presume the quote: you can't change the others only yourself...I won't go deeply how relevant is this for relationship matters but let me play.
I am asking myself in similar situation: why this making me insecure in the relationship?
What is there that I am not getting on higher potential or
kind of emotional relationship.
I guess relationship with loving partner should on higher potential on daily mutual activities then relationship of your wife and her previous relationships..
And if potentially is higher inetnsivity why am I not feeling it?
What is missing in my relationship that those insecure situations fall to my eyes or touch me or lead to them?
How can i discuss this without any sign of guilty or reproach?- Re: Wife still close to ex mo123
15 y
2,017
This is a reply to # 1,371,898I just saw your story. When I married Mo, I was having an incredibly close relation with my ex. He called, I went to visit him and his new wife and child. There was no interest sexually but we had spent many years together so there was a bond. Mo could not understand that and made me break all ties with him. It crushed my ex to death as he had even given me $4300 when we got married as to end the spousal support. My ex tried everything to please Mo but to no avail and I had to listen to my husband.
To this day I am ashamed of how I treated him and have tried to find him but he moved. Not always everyone in relationships is sexual. I have many male friends and they are just that.
Sometimes people are insecure because they care. But jealousy for sure will break any relationship.
SARA
- Re: Wife still close to ex mo123
15 y
2,017
- Re: Wife still close to ex been there done that
20 y
2,099
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