Beware:  this is kind of a whiny post so if you've ran out of empathy SKIP IT!

I'm thinking what good is it to try to avoid stress when it seems to follow us everywhere we go???  On 8/21 I had an unfortunate accident, it wasn't my fault either, and my little Chevy Cavalier 2000 took a good hit from a huge SUV driven by a 15 y.o. boy (with his father next to him), I was crossing a yellow light and he made the choice to do a left turn and was on higher ground so he couldn't see me coming nor tried to stop in time.  On top, the pavement was wet and although I immediately hit the brakes when I saw him it was no use.   I couldn't believe that was happening to me, I was hungry and was longing to get home so I could eat and instead got stuck in a parking lot waiting for the police to show up (which took longer than an hour).  Fortunately I'd been food shopping so I ate some lunch meat (not a great choice I know but I'm on SNAP...).  In the meantime, my left front tire went flat as a result of the collision so I had to call AAA, who always takes too long to arrive, thank God for the policeman who invited me to sit in his car and that way I didn't have to sit in my car in the dark alone with my panicky thoughts.  Later I rode home in the AAA truck because I had no one I could bother and I told him to take the car to a holding facility he suggested.  The next day the insurance company told me they would move it to a body shop and I thought "good, maybe they'll fix it soon", but the rest of the week went by with no news.

Then on 8/27 I got a fateful call informing me my car was deemed a total loss...  Granted, my car was in rather sorry shape on the inside and outside but it was mechanically sound, I drive very little and I'd kept up with maintenance so though a little ugly my "Cavie" was very reliable, and although I've been unemployed since my last crash in May I depended on it to go buy food and all other personal errands.  I've never been able to be inside more than 2-3 days in a row without getting antsy, if I had no real place to go I'd just go buy some food just so I could get out, breathe different air and "see people", or I'd go to the library and check out books and DVDs, but I recently chose to return the material I had even though I was not done with several things.

The insurance company gave me some money based on the value of my car, and I already had to use a bit of it to complete my September rent payment, and I got to rent a car for free for 10 days, it was really only 7 and supposed to start the same day they informed me of their decision about my car but I fought tooth and nail to get the whole week when I was finally able to go to the rental agency, and then fought again to get a 3 day extension because at the time I was considering a car that I needed to take to a mechanic for evaluation.  But at that point I felt really bad and stressed because a friend told me I should've contacted an attorney and not accepted the insurance company's terms.  Well, it so happened that I'm insured with them (USAA) and have been a member for like 17 years, and they've always treated me so nice it never occurred to me to feel suspicious about their handling of my case.  And anyway, once moneyy is accepted there's nothing more to do, and that's why I felt really bad.  What good is it to hear about what I "should've done" when the "deed is done"?  It's not like I can climb on the Delorean and go back in time and do it over!  So I felt kind of "stupid" and very angry/frustrated and all I could hope for is that I'd have another car by the end of last week.

But the car I saw (another Cavalier) was not worth the trouble and neither was another one I saw, and I didn't even really consider a Dodge Neon '02 (I only want a small car...), so I was back on square one.  Yesterday I didn't even go anywhere, had nowhere to go really, besides, the rental company had not given me an "economy" car like I asked but a gas-guzzling Chevrolet Malibu, so all I would've done was waste money on gas.  And today, because my sleep schedule is once again screwed up I didn't get up until after 12, feeling sad knowing I'd be without a car in a few hours.

The last thing I did was buy a few last minute things, last night I discovered I didn't have a replacement bottle of contact lense multi-purpose solution like I thought, and I refilled 2 plastic gallon bottles with water from a vending machine, got 3 more food items (I think in one week I spent the entire month's SNAP allotment, even though I live across a supermarket it's one I rarely go to and I wanted to make sure I'd have just about everything I could need for 2-3 weeks), put gas in the car, brought the stuff home and then drove to Enterprise.  Thank goodness I left with plenty of time ahead because I couldn't find the darn place, they're in a tricky area where the road changes name and when I left I went in a very different direction than the one I went today.  But the whole time I had a headache from suppressing my desire to cry, the only other times I've been without a car  before I either already knew how to ride the local bus, had a sufficient income to be able to rent a car occasionally and/or my children, who had cars lived with me so if needed I could drive theirs or be taken out to shop.  This time I'm in a new city with no real close friends, and the ones willing to help either gone away on a trip, tied up going to school all week or in another town...  I don't think I'd ask any of my immediate neighbors to take me anywhere, and the one I was closest to is a 30 y.o. man who I don't think I'd bother with that, so I feel SO alone and scared it's really stressing me out.  I already broke down and cried hoping it would relief my grief, but no, it didn't help...  What sucks is that in the past, before AF had done a number on me, something like this might not have hit me this hard, but now I feel kind of helpless and I hate it.   Perhaps this isn't really the worst that could happen but AF causes me to magnify all my troubles, and I was just wondering how many others feel like that.  If you've had incidents that have really bogged you down, please share them with me, at least that might make me feel "in good company", and that you all understand...

I'm now craving sugar so bad I know those g/f cookies I've got left are calling my name, I normally try to avoid sugar so I won't get more depressed but I doubt I could feel any worse than I already do, I feel like I just lost my best friend...