Cancer is easier than this.

You know what, I agree with you completely. I would never compare myself to a cancer patient and the severity of their fear and experience. But this more than most diseases seems to affect every part of a person's being. I remember someone on Curezone mentioning that their father had prostate cancer, had surgery, and after three months of recovery was back to normal. Three months to normality sounded like an eternity to me a year ago. Now it sounds like heaven.

And the mental disturbance and confusion with candida is so great, in fact probably the worst part. For some people who even have cancer, their mind, their actual sense of self and daily experience doesn't change much. In fact when some people discover they have tumors they didn't even feel sick or different at all. It's really just the thought that they have cancer that is distressing. But to me, the only person that can understand what I'm going through is someone who has alzheimer's or dementia. Not that my memory is bad. It's still decent. But my mind is totally changed. I feel like a completely different person than I did two years ago. In fact I don't feel like a person at all, but like a ghost, a memory and not a living being.

Trying to explain this to friends and relatives is impossible. "You're speaking intelligently to me now, what do you mean you're having mental difficulties?" But they don't understand getting dizzy and having the room turn white when you stand up. Or not being able to walk a straight line almost as if you're drunk. Forgetting how to interact and speak when buying something at the grocery store, or being too disoriented to drive. In fact for a time I was having hallucinations. I would wake up from a deep sleep and run through the house thinking I was seeing spiders. This happened sometimes after getting a colonic, so I know it's related to toxins.

So the problem I have with the spiritual "You create your own reality, so envision only good possibilities", is how do you change your mind when your mind is the problem? Now if I had a broken leg but I still felt the same in every other way, it would be easier. I could stay upbeat, visualize the healing taking place, relax and get good sleep. Studies have even shown visualization helps healing. I used to be able to visualize well. Now I can't do it, or even think anymore. I can't even hardly feel my body, I feel drunken and disconnected from it. The confusion fog is so thick that it's hard to distance yourself from it, you know? It's like drowning and all you can do is try to hold on and hope for the best. I don't know if there's any meaning in what we're going through in a psychological or spiritual sense. People talk about being grateful for what they learned from illnesses. I'm sure I'll be very grateful when I'm well. You know the feeling you get after recovering from the flu? The room is brighter, food tastes better. Just imagine breathing easier, having a normal heart rate, social life, drinking and not being worried. I'd be grateful then. But not now.