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My one day off this week...
... and I'm having a little bit of a tough time.
Date: 10/22/2005 5:25:57 PM ( 20 y ) ... viewed 1585 times Usually, it was no sweat to be around food. Two steps away from cookies, ice cream, bread, cold pizza, peanut butter,... For the sake of all of you fasting as well, I won't go on. Usually, it was a thrill to be able to stay away from it, but today it's a little more challenging. It's not really an option to go ahead and eat, given how hard it was to get over that last time. And I know that I have to just focus on knocking down the days that I still have to go--when I'm not seeing great results in the mirror becuase it's not coming off in the areas that I'm concerned about, I have to focus on the days. I know there will be a breakthrough on the appearance side of things if I can just stick with this.
Speaking of appearance. I have taken to taking pictures with my little cell phone camera once a week. When comparing last week's pictures to this week's... I guess you can see a small difference... maybe. I'll just continue to do this, as a documentation of my struggle, and as a reminder to myself later, of how hard this was to lose and how important it is that I maintain this.
Another thing I want to explain... I know that in many cases, eating and wanting to lose weight is a way to cover up other deeper-seated problems. It definitely used to be. The way I see how it happened with me, my theory on this, is that I had a lot of problems, problems with depression, problems with my parents, and I couldn't deal with it and it channeled into my eating. I think that then the depression and eating disorder developed a dynamic of its own. So that, even after I had dealt with my underlying problems, figured out the errors in my thoughts--and all this was not a fast or easy thing to do--but even after I was otherwise a happy person, a balanced person, a psychologically aware person, but I still was in a fog of depression and gripped with this eating disorder, that would not go away, no matter how much I searched and talked and tried to find what problems might be underlying it... nothing helped until I went on medication. The same goes for now: I don't think that my desire to lose weight is a mask or a distraction for real problems: I'm just tired of being unhappy with the way I look. And I'm unhappy with the way I look because I don't think of myself as originally looking the way I do now.
I remember when I was in the middle of the eating disorder and it was still in the early phases where I would succeed at controlling my food intake for a long time and would get thin. I would be disappointed in the end. I would be disappointed that certain people who would not give me a second glance when I was 135 would suddenly be interested in meeting me or be nice to me. I would be hurt that some girls would be really cool towards me because they were so jealous. I would be frustrated that I still wasn't happy.
I think this time around, and frankly even when I still had an eating disorder, but at one time was able to lose the binging weight, I was just happy that I had lost weight, could wear all kinds of different clothes I liked, could be comfortable in my skin, could stand before the mirror without thinking that I need to lose weight. I have no expectation that losing weight will solve any other problems. I will still have the normal struggles at work, struggles of life, struggles in relationships; but there's no huge dark monster that I'm trying to lock away in the basement and that will come to eat me when I have lost weight...
I'm not trying to be defensive, I just have to think this through to make sure what I'm doing now makes sense. Being bigger than I want to be has bothered me for a really long time; this is what is getting me away from that. Very slowly right now... but if I stick with it, it will happen.
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