One of the hard lessons I had to have drilled into me is that we can't live our lives based on the expectations or actions of other people. Just because "everyone else" expects you to get married is NOT a good reason to stay and/or get married! Just because she may react badly is not a good reason to keep on in a relationship in which you feel yourself eroding away. You will be no good for her or for yourself if that happens.

Another lesson I learned very early was to listen to my inner voice! If you feel deep in your heart that it's not right for you, then it is not right for you. It will not help either of you if you sacrifice your own happiness just to keep from hurting her. In the long run, you'll end up hurting her - and yourself - even more.

However, since you've been together 6 years, you do want to make sure that you're not projecting some other emptiness within yourself into the relationship first. You could be projecting some of your self-esteem issues or other problems (like career goals or whatever) into *her* "failings" and not be aware of it. It happens. If that's the case, then moving on won't solve anything. If, however, you dig a little and find that it really is not what your heart needs, then the following may help.

Since you obviously care about her and her welfare, you owe it to yourself to handle this in a way you can live with. This does NOT mean letting her response or reaction decide your actions for you. It means that you think things through first and then sit down and speak to her from your heart.

This is much easier if you spend a little time delving deep inside to see what is really motivating you. This way, you can avoid that ugly blame game. It also helps keep you from finding yourself right back in a similar situation later on.

Once you know your own motivations, and not just the surface stuff that says "she's not whatever", then you can sit down with her and explain what you need and why you feel you need to move on. Be honest with her but let her know it comes from you and that it's your place, your responsibility to yourself and not her fault or her actions. This will make it much easier for her to move on with her life so she won't spend as much time questioning herself. What did she do wrong, if only she'd done this or that, etc. (Oh, she still will anyway, it's only natural, but if you were honest and "owned" your responsibility when talking to her, that phase will past much faster for her.) It also allows you a free conscience by knowing your were honest with her and handled it as best as you could.

You cannot let her reactions or responses dictate yours. What she chooses to do after you talk with her is *her* responsibility, not yours. All you can do is be as honest and caring as you can when you talk to her. If possible, it does help if she has additional support, but you can't hold yourself responsible if she has chosen not to have any or not to turn to them. If it helps *you* feel better, then you may want to try to help frame that support for her, but it really is up to her what she chooses to do.

May we all find what we need.

Thank you for sharing your story and your encouragement. You gave me hope that two strong-willed persons can have a successful and happy relationship.

>So far, we've learned not to compromise, but to cooperate
>when the differences can't be resolved. There is a
>difference. In compromise, both sides lose a little
>something to gain something else. In cooperation, neither
>side has to lose anything and both gain it all. Lots of
>books state that cooperation is *much* better and
>healthier for relationships, but it's almost an imperative
>for two very strong willed "rugged individualists" like my
>husband and I.

Sorry for sounding nerdy, but are there books you can recommend for this "compromise vs. cooperation" in a relationship? I'd like to read about it someday.

Thanks again,

Ronin