Glad that you were checked for oral herpes. Yes, nutritional deficiencies could manifest in that way, and alcohol can aggravate certain symptoms. Stomach acid from bulimic purging can also create inflammation in the mouth. Melissa   [End]
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I don’t think alcohol would cause that kind of reaction, but you should have a doctor look at it. Sometime oral herpes can appear the way you described, and a trained health professional would be able to identify what it is and the possible causes. Melissa   [End]
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I’m not promoting any particular sex acts, but rather looking at what is driving sexual behavior. I have worked with women who enjoy having men ejaculate on various parts of their bodies, and I don’t label that porn. Eroticism is a very individual thing, and I focus on exploring the heart connection between lovers during any sex act. If it’s not heart-based, it’s a form of objectification. Melissa   [End]
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It sounds like he’s dealing with some sexual shame. None of the behaviors you mentioned don’t have a degrading quality to them. He may have some strong programming around sex from his upbringing. Do you know what his religious background is? That often has an important influence. Melissa   [End]
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I don’t think the issue has anything to do with your attractiveness, but I can understand why you might think so. When men have a low libido with their partner but are engaged in an active fantasy life that involves degrading behavior, they may be suffering from a sexual addiction. The number of men who have this condition is staggering, and I believe it is a symptom of the sexual objectification of women in our culture. You might want to look at the book ”Sexual Anorexia” by Patrick Carnes and see if any of the patterns he describes fit your boyfriend’s behavior. Also consider having a fr ...
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Sorry I don’t have the answer to that question. That is not my area of expertise. Melissa   [End]
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It sounds like your girlfriend is being unreasonable since you did ask your roommate to move out. Have you experienced frequent  episodes of this magnitude of jealousy in the relationship? Melissa   [End]
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The issues I was referring involve a general fear of intimacy, manifesting as not communicating with you directly and having flirtatious email exchanges with another woman. I wouldn’t be able to tell you the root cause of his fear without working with him.  I don’t think going to counseling is inappropriate for your age. As far as I’m concerned, it’s never too early to learn good relationship skills. All relationships take a certain amount of work. It becomes too much work when both partners aren’t equally committed to healing the relationship, That is my concern in yo ...
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It sounds like you’re taking on too much responsibility for making the relationship work. He should be speaking with YOU about his concerns, not with a female friend that he is having a flirtatious relationship with. My take is that he’s avoiding dealing with his own issues, and his conversations with this friend are a form of escapism. Have you suggested seeing a counselor or coach with him? If he’s truly committed to the relationship, he’ll be open to the idea. Melissa   [End]
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I’m so sorry to hear about your child’s situation. I wish I could advise you about how to proceed, but this is not within my area of expertise. If you would like a referral to someone who may be able to better advise you, send me an email through my website at www.transformnow.com. Melissa   [End]
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Thank you for sharing your experience. I wholeheartedly agree that  a healthy sexual relationship is ultimately about the expression of love and that both partners should be respectful of each other’s preferences. Melissa   [End]
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Sounds like your adrenals might be stressed, and that ususlly results in fatigue and moodiness. You might want to get a check-up with an integrative MD who knows how to assess low adrenal function (looks at DHEA, cortisol, and hormones). One thing you can do immediately to support the adrenals if you don’t have high blood pressure, is drink licorice tea. Also, make sure your blood sugar is balanced - avoid refined sugar and carbs and limit alcohol intake. When your adrenals are strong and your blood sugar is balanced, you will have a lot more energy. Melissa   [End]
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Trying to make a case for why she should swallow isn’t an approach I would recommend. Ask her if the issue is really the taste or the taboo. Some women genuinely don’t like the taste of semen, especially when the man’s diet is very acidic (due to lots of meat, refined sugars and carbs, hydrogenated fats). And no, swallowing doesn’t necessarily increase intimacy. Good communication does. Melissa   [End]
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It’s not a perversion - it’s a preference. Some women don’t like to swallow and some do. For those who don’t, it can be an issue of taste or smell. Have you asked her why she doesn’t like it? Melissa   [End]
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Sex is supposed to be pleasurable! It shouldn’t feel like work! Melissa   [End]
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I can imagine how stressful his upcoming deployment might be. Focus on doing sensual things together - like taking warm baths or giving each other massages. Some aromatherapy oils are aphrodisiacs. Rose, petitgrain, jasmine, and ylang ylang are more feminine oils, and patchouli and sandalwood are more masculine oils. You can put a few drops of any of these in the bath or in a bottle of massage oil. Keep the focus on pleasure and take the focus off of the goal of having sex. Very often, these sensual activities will naturally lead to sex. Let me know how it goes! Melissa   [End]
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A decrease in libido can be cause by any of the following factors: changes in overall mental and physical health (fatigue, stress, poor nutrition), limiting attitudes toward sex and aging, and a decrease in emotional intimacy. Which of these have you noticed in your husband? Melissa   [End]
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Great! Looking forward to hearing about it. Melissa   [End]
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Women generally have an easier time achieving orgasms clitorally, but with some practice you can achieve vaginal orgasms. Doing Kegel exercises can help. Kegel exercises strengthen the pubococcygeus muscle – the muscle used to stop the flow during urination. Once you have located the muscle, simply tighten for 2 seconds, then release. Repeat 5 times. Do this 2-3 times a day. You can also use devices such as the Kegelmaster 2000, Kegelcisor, or Isis to strengthen the PC muscle. You’ll find them here: http://www.evesgarden.com/transformnow Let me know how it goes! ...
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It isn’t possible for you to have blue balls if you don’t have testicles (unless there’s something you’re not telling me!). Orgasm can bring up strong emotions and put us in touch with unhealed sexual wounds. If we don’t address these consciously, we can feel exhausted. Orgasm generally gives women more energy, so I suspect that this could be an issue. How is your energy level in general? Melissa   [End]
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Beginning October 29th, I’m offering an exciting four-part telelcass series just for women. It’s called ”The Four Facets” of Joyful Menopause, and it’s an enlightening program that will help women understand the potential joy they can have in this new chapter of their lives. Many women shy away from this subject because they have been falsely led to believe that they have to live with horrible symptoms, a diminished sex life, and a loss of physical beauty. The truth is: this is your opportunity to discover how powerful and beautiful and sensual you really are. And if you’re s ...
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Yes, it is possible to attract someone with non-verbal communication. Most of our communication is non-verbal actually. With a warm smile and non-aggressive but direct eye contact, you can definitely draw someone in. The woman you spoke about however, was very direct in her invitation, and that is fine, too. She communicated both verbally and non-verbally that she wanted to go to dinner with him. Melissa   [End]
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Based on my research, both of the medications you mentioned can cause changes in sex drive (either increased or decreased). Did you notice a change in his behavior when he went on either of the medications? I think it’s important for you and your partner to discuss this with the doctor and see what the alternatives are. There are natural antidepressants such as 5HTP and SAMe that don’t have those kinds of side effects. If his doctor doesn’t know about those alternatives, you might consult a good holistic MD or naturopath in your area. Melissa   [End]
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That’s a wonderful and very creative solution to the problem. I’m so glad you were able to work together on this. Congratulations on standing up for yourself and telling him that you wanted him to respect your time! Melissa   [End]
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Thanks for posting this question. It can be very challenging to deal with a partner’s disrespectful behavior. How did you speak to him about it? Did you tell him how it made you feel? It’s always best to give feedback that way rather than criticizing his actions. Have you tried making a specific request that he call you when he’s running late? That approach can also work well. Melissa   [End]
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Great question! You’ll find a comprehensive answer on my website by following this link: http://www.transformnow.com/enter/tantraphilosophy.htm Because my programs are so individualized, the number of sessions you would need depends on several things, including your level of self-awareness, experience doing body-centered practices (breathwork, yoga, etc.), and relationship history. I would be happy to help you assess your personal needs. Just go to the ”Contact” page of my website and fill out the questionnaire. Melissa   [End]
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I am researching these and will get back to you shortly. Melissa   [End]
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Yes, medications, as well as a number of other factors, do affect his testosterone levels. What medication(s) is he currently taking? Melissa P.S. Sorry for the confusion, I just realized that I had posted my response under a different user name.   [End]
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What disturbs me about your fiance’s behavior is that is secretive. Generally, secretive behaviors (such as this one) are signs of addiction, and it’s best that you talk to him about this BEFORE you get married. The last thing you’d want is to have his addiction interfere with your intimacy, which it will if not addressed. There are a number of excellent 12 Step programs that deal with sexual addictions, and you might want to check them out and attend some meetings before you speak with him about this very sensitive topic. Many people have resistance to admitting that they have an addictio ...
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I need more information. Tell me about your current sex life and when you have urges to be with other women. Melissa   [End]
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You’re welcome! With a macho boyfriend, the best way to approach the subject is to say that it is an issue for the two of you as a couple - not just with him. You’re out of sync sexually and feel it is important to get help so both of you can have your needs met and you can have an even better relationship. Let me know how it goes! Melissa   [End]
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It doesn’t appear that he is asexual because he does have a sex drive. His interest in masturbation is certainly evidence of that. Any negative sexual experiences in the past, including any form of sexual abuse, would definitely affect his sex drive, and that can be healed with the right help. I have worked with many people in this situation. It would benefit him (as well as you) for him to address this, as it will certainly affect how deeply you can go in your relationship emotionally. If he was abused, it may be hard for him to trust. As for you, you can channel some of that sexual en ...
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i think this is an excellent point. Cultural differences are very important in relationships, and they can affect your comfort level in communicating your needs. This is clearly an issue your boyfriend needs to know about in order for you to feel comfortable moving forward with him. If he rejects you because of it, don’t take it personally and reassess the relationship. Take your feelings seriously and get clear on the qualities you want in a partner. Melissa   [End]
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If he masturbates, he does have a sex drive, so in fact, he does like sex but not necessarily with a partner. That’s an indication that he may have an issue connecting his sex drive with emotional intimacy, i.e. his feelings for you. That doesn’t bode well for a happy future together, unless he is willing to explore that with you and understand at a deeper level why he prefers sex alone. When a person rejects sex with their partner, it is sometimes a passive-aggressive act to control them or push them away. Melissa   [End]
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Have you tried doing sensual things with him like massages, bubble baths, or dancing? Does he take any medication, do recreational drugs, or drink alcohol? All of these could affect sex drive - so can poor nutrition. Melissa   [End]
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How does his low sex drive show up? Does he not want to have sex as often as you do or he is not that enthusiastic about having sex in general? Melissa   [End]
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In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk to your partner about anything that’s important to you. I don’t know how he will respond. People have different definitions of love, and many don’t understand that love is about creating trust and safety for your partner. If you are living in fear about your boyfriend’s responses, you might consider getting professional help about this. Melissa   [End]
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Congratulate yourself on having good intuition the first time around. You knew that he was unavailable so you ended the relationship. Good job! Now you need to look at why you are attracted to unavailable men. Was your father or mother emotionally distant in any way? We tend to attract (and be attracted) to people who have certain qualities that our parents have, even if we don’t like those qualities. When we are willing to take a look at that, we can heal those pattern and attract partners who are emotionally available and commit to us. Melissa   [End]
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I am concerned when I hear that your boyfriend is narrow-minded and aggressive. Makes me wonder why you are in a relationship with him. Loving relationships are based on trust and safety. It would be helpful to explore why have you have chosen to be with a man you are afraid of with a qualified therapist or coach. It’s important that you are able to communicate whatever you need to him. If you are too afraid to do that, arrange it so that a trusted friend or counselor is present. Melissa   [End]
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You might begin by asking your boyfriend whether he has ever had a significant partner who had a sexually transmitted disease and how he felt about it. In this way, you can observe his reaction and find out how he has handled this emotionally in the past. If he responds with sensitivity, you can safely tell him about hepatitis. if he reacts with judgment or anger, let me know, and I’ll advise you further. Melissa   [End]
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First, tell her that you are very careful about choosing partners because you are concerned about STDs. Women who feel the same way will be reassured. Then tell her that in this day and age, this is a real issue and you feel strongly that partners should openly discuss their sexual history and get tested to support their health. Make sure to say that you do not mean to judge her or be intrusive, but that you need to know what her situation has been for health reasons. (You’re not making a moral assessment about her sex life.) If you share about yourself first in a loving way, most women wi ...
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I think it would be helpful to wait and see how the energy is when you meet. Don’t try to plan what you’re going to to. If Wildflower doesn’t want to move on as you suggested, she must care very much for you. Let your love and friendship deepen as you speak openly about your situation. Be in the moment, and you will know what to do. Melissa   [End]
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It’s important to be cautious in choosing sexual partners, and you’ve asked some very good questions. Here are some ways you can protect yourself: - Ask your potential partner to have a blood test for STDs (this should include an HIV test) - Find out your potential partner’s sexual habits and history. If she is unwilling to disclose this information, beware. - Always use condoms when having sexual intercourse and maintain excellent hygiene. There is no ”standard” as far as the timing of sex is concerned. If you feel it’s best to wait until after you’re married, focus on attracti ...
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I think you should ask her how she feels about having a sexual relationship under the new financial circumstances - before you plan the visit. I’m not clear how the money situation is affecting you, but it seems important to have more clarity about that. Melissa   [End]
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Sorry for the delayed response. I’ve been having some problems with my email. Why are you feeling uncomfortable about this visit? Is it because of the time lapse or because you’re no longer supporting her (I’m assuming financially)? Melissa   [End]
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There are two ways chlamydia can be transmitted: (1) From one person to another by sexual contact or (2) From mother to child when the child passes through the birth canal. Tell your girfriend that all of your research consistently concludes that chlamydia cannot be ”developed” (feel free to show her this message and other websites) and that it would be irresponsible if she didn’t notify the other infected partner. Melissa   [End]
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Sorry I haven’t heard of that expression. Melissa   [End]
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I would definitely recommend using a condom during anal sex if you are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases, just as you would if you were having vaginal sex. Infected people may spread STDs through anal sex through semen or blood. The use of condoms, a good water-based lubricant, and good hygiene reduce the chance of tissue tearing and minimize the risk of transmitting disease during anal sex. Melissa   [End]
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Both men and women may post in this forum. Melissa   [End]
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Why would you ask your partner to leave you? Has she told you that this is what she wants? If your relationship is fundamentally healthy and loving, you may be able to work out your sexual challenges, but there needs to ba a commitment to each other. Also, have you looked into tantric practices for men? I have worked with a number of men in yor age group who were able to regain their ability to have and sustain erections. Melissa   [End]
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Many women would not be satisfied if their partner’s sexual reperatoire was limited to manual stimulation and oral sex. Have you tried talking to your partner about your dissatisfaction? If so, what was his response? Melissa   [End]
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What is the health condition your partner has? Has he attempted to get help for his impotence and if so, what kind of treatment did he receive? Melissa   [End]
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It’s true, many men find anal sex erotic, perhaps because it has traditionally been consided taboo. The only danger (STD’s aside) apart from irritation of the rectum is the transmittal of bacteria from the colon to other areas of the body. If you do choose to have anal sex, it is not advisable for you to engage in vaginal penetration afterward without having your husband cleanse with an antibacterial soap. If you’re not sure how anal sex is going to affect you physically because of the condition you described, you might have your husband try penetration with a well-lubricated finger. Go ve ...
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There is another very nice inexpensive massager that is sold at the Sharper Image. The great thing about it is the way it’s shaped. It’s ergonomically designed for women, although I don’t know if that was intentional on the part of the manufacturer :) Melissa   [End]
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Tell him that you really enjoy his company and think he’s an amazing guy, but you’re not interested in having casual sex with him. A one night stand is not something you would repeat again. See how he responds. If he expresses feelings for you, you could broach the subject of having more than just a friendship. If he is okay with having casual sex and doesn’t understand why you’re not, you’re not on the same page and it would be best not to pursue discussion about a relationship. Melissa   [End]
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How do you feel about him? What kind of relationship do you want with him? I think it’s important to get clear about that before you speak to him. Melissa   [End]
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If none of the scenarios presented in the article apply to you, I suspect that your pain has an emotional root cause. You might consider working with a good body-centered practioner or schedule a telephone session with me. Melissa   [End]
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Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. This information might be helpful: http://menshealth.about.com/b/a/113608.htm Melissa   [End]
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Yes, it is possible for the vaginal muscles to become more relaxed and ”stretch” with increased intercourse. Remember, the vagina can stretch to accommodate a baby’s body during childbirth! You might explain that to your boyfriend if he asks you about changes in how you feels to him. Melissa   [End]
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Glad you’re having success with it. That may be because coconut oil gets absorbed into the skin very quickly, one very nice benefit of this oil. Melissa   [End]
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I would be careful about that. Latex condom manufacturers recommend water soluble lubricants. Coconut oil does not fall into that category. Melissa   [End]
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I agree. That’s why I generally recommend natural products. I’m not a big fan of products such as Astroglide, although many people like them because of their texture and durability. Melissa   [End]
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Coconut oil is an excellent choice for a lubricant and massage oil. It should not, however, be used with latex condoms, as it is not water soluble. If using condoms, there are some good water based products on the market but a lot of them cannot be ingested. Pure aloe vera gel is a good option, but it needs to be reapplied frequently since it dries out. Melissa   [End]
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I think you need to have an open conversation about this with him. Wondering how he feels is causing you stress. It’s much better to get it out in the open. Ask him about his feelings at a time when you are both relaxed and connected outside of the bedroom. Melissa   [End]
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There are a number of reasons why some men don’t like performing oral sex on women. It’s a very individual thing. It could be an issue of aesthetics (taste or smell) or one of social conditioning (some men are conditioned to think it’s dirty). I would strongly recommend that you discuss this with your partner if is bothering you. One thing I recommend to couples is that they bathe together before having sex. It’s a great form of foreplay and makes both partners more aesthetically appealing to each other. Melissa   [End]
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Have you spoken about this with your husband? Melissa   [End]
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Go out and get a copy of ”The Multi-Orgasmic Man” by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams. Read it first, and then give it to your boyfriend to read. It’s a fabulous book on tantra for the typical American guy who wants to have better control over his erections and ejaculation. It’s a step-by-step manual written very clearly. If he has difficulty with any of the techniques, I can work with him by phone. Melissa   [End]
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Yes. In order for me to give you a more detailed response, tell me why you don’t like performing oral sex on your wife. Melissa   [End]
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I’ll speak to some of my colleagues about this and see who has had experience treating this condition. Melissa   [End]
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Yes, that’s quite normal. When partners move in together, there’s usually a change in sexual activity. I generally advise couples to plan specific dates with each other during the week, so sex and romance are made a priority. Also, it’s important to manage your stress levels so you have more energy for each other. Melissa   [End]
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I have heard of people having pain in different areas of the penis, but the causes vary depending on the situation. Have you had pain from the very beginning with this partner? How long has it been going on? Melissa   [End]
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Yes, those are typically included when they test for herpes. Melissa   [End]
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Even if you are using lubrication, her vagina may not be as relaxed as it could be. Remember, a vagina can become wide enough to accommodate a baby’s head! Have you tried doing any vaginal massage with your fingers prior to intercourse? Many of my clients have found this helpful in alleviating pain. Melissa   [End]
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He should also be checked for herpes and syphilis. Comprehensive STD tests typically include these as well as chlamydia,gonorrhea, and HIV. Melissa   [End]
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None of my clients have used maca. However, some have had good results with saw palmetto. There is an excellent book that goes into detail about all of these options called ”Natural Solutions for Sexual Dysfunction” by Dr. Howard Peiper. It’s important to have medical supervision when using herbs because they have medicinal effects. Some herbs, for example, are not appropriate if you have high blood pressure or other conditions. I worked with a 65 year old client who healed his sexual dysfunction with tantric practices. This could be another viable option for you. Melissa   [End]
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I have counseled a number of men who have had problems with premature ejaculation, and there is a lot you can do to heal this. Have you ever heard of tantric sex (also known as tantra)? With tantric techniques, men can learn to use their breathing to control the timing of their ejaculation. Most men are disconnected from their breathing during sex and have very little control over their sexual energy. If you are interested in exploring these techniques, let me know and I can recommend some resources. Melissa   [End]
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Thanks for your question. I need a little more information. Are you both having pain during sex or is it just one of you? Please tell me who is having the pain and where it is located. Melissa   [End]
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Yes, I think it’s important to be forgiving. I would watch to see if boundaries are respected in the future, and if not, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Melissa   [End]
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Hi, You’re not crazy for wanting your boyfriend to respect your personal boundaries. In fact, I have coached many couples to talk candidly about their boundaries, as this is a very important part of a healthy relationship. You have a right to have a partner who respects how, when, and where you want to be touched. Melissa   [End]
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You’re welcome! I’m happy to help. Melissa   [End]
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Yes, it’s very normal, especially at certain times of our menstrual cycles. Tell your boyfriend that your sexual energy will be stronger earlier in the evening and that it will be better for him if he can try adjusting to your cycle. Melissa   [End]
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What time at night do you normally have sex? I usually recommend that couples have sex before 11pm, as the adrenal glands can go into overdrive if we are active beyond that time. If you must have sex late at night, a strong cup of chamomile tea immediately afterward (two tea bags per cup steeped for 10 minutes) can be helpful in calming down your system so you can get some sleep. Melissa   [End]
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It doesn’t sound like you’re addicted - just missing the sexual connection you didn’t have with your ex. You may find that your sexual energy goes through cycles, and that’s perfectly normal. Just go with the flow, and see your sexual appetite as healthy. If your current partner does not have similar sexual needs, discuss that with him and become comfortable with self-pleasuring when he’s not available. Melissa   [End]
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Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. You are not alone. The clitoris has thousands of nerve endings on it, which make stimluation extremely pleasurable. Try experimenting with what you like clitorally by yourself and then invite your partner to participate. There’s nothing shameful about it, and it can add more variety to your sexual menu. As far as penetration goes, try different positions and see which gives you the most pleasure and the least discomfort. Sitting on top of your partner is usually less stressful to the bladder. Lying on your side is another great posit ...
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