You can’t make him stop it - only he can do that. But what you CAN do, is make his life outside of gambling so good that he doesn’t even think about it. Since he’s in the military, it is quite possible that he’s away from home too often; maybe that’s at the root of the problem. Every one of us needs to do something for himself/herself. But when job or something else doesn’t allow you to have good sex, good time with friends or family, fun time, and so on, then an addiction starts. Where happiness is lost, that’s where an addiction is found. Try to show him that there are other things ...
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What is it that you’re looking forward to with this girl/woman? Getting aids or some other std? Being treated like dirt? Try asking yourself those questions. I don’t think that you are not smart enough to know that she is cheating; after all she DID cheat on you and told you about it, albeit with a girl - and you chose to ignore that. Some other things you may want to look into: how was your mother towards you? Was she really respectful, loving, caring, gentle, helpful, your friend? How was your father with her (and did he really spend any time with you and teach you how to respect y ...
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”And, I have to disagree that a child of 8 is aware of the damage that they are causing by poor behavioral choices. ” Hardly anyone in this world is fully aware of the damage they are causing in anything they do. But they all know what they are doing, including this child. There is a difference. She knows how to get attention or how to vent her frustration, or hurt someone just because she can, or maybe even worse - how to do as she is told (which is acceptable in one environment, and unnacceptable in the other). Look at it this way - it’s not like she’s trying to be the sweetest ...
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It’s an old thread, but I couldn’t resist: ”People think kids act like this just to piss you off and they don’t” Not true. If it was a 2 year old, then, yes, maybe the child is doing all the wrong stuff because she doesn’t know better. But at the age of 8 most if not all of that behaviour can be quite deliberate; and in this case I think it is deliberate. She knows very well what kind of effect her actions have. Children are way smarter then we think. Remember - the child spends considerable amount of time with her mother who is a suicidal person suffering from bipolar disorder, a ...
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To be brutally honest, if I was his wife, it would be - one strike and you’re out   [End]
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I wouldn’t rate his webcam relationship as ”p 0 r nography”, more cyber sex, which I think is much more damaging to a relationship (with big question being if it was with a willing adult looking for a partner or if it was through some p 0 r n service). While on the subject of p 0 r nography, while it can be an addiction, and content of it is often horribly ugly, I don’t think it is always and necessarily damaging or sign of a deeper issue - depending on the content of course, as so many different things are considered ”p 0 r n”. It could be that here I am confusing erotic with p 0 r no ...
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It seems to me that he gets quite a bit of satisfaction from not being caught (or being naughty and not being caught), and you get some sort of satisfaction from outsmarting him. If this cat and mouse game is the underlying dynamics of your relationship, then you first need to change that. Be equal partners, don’t be his boss or persecutor (as evidenced by the request that he fess up with his parents), and he needs to learn to be responsible and mature.   [End]
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”Am I exaggerating when I say I believe my husband is slowly killing himself?” I don’t think that’s an exaggeration at all. He is certainly getting some sort of (perceived?) emotional reward for doing all that harm to his health. If you could see what that reward is, you could maybe help him realize that he doesn’t need to do all that. It’s like a kid who steals money from his father’s pocket only to find out that his dad would give him just as much if he only asked for it. Sometimes a simple statement or question that these types never heard can go a long way, even if it doesn’t ...
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Am I the only one having a good chuckle out of this? ”I am one of the nicest and moral guys you could ever find but the basic truths about young girls is that they like it when you treat them shitty...” Can you say ”Contradiction”? (to explain: you can’t be a ”nice and moral guy” and at the same time have a disrespectful and prejudiced opinion about the opposite sex! ”...basic truths about young girls” You do realize that you implied here that ALL young girls are the same? It may be better to try and make a distinction between ”all” and ”some” next time ”Its built into their ...
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I have observed many relationships and have never seen not even one that would prove me wrong on the point I made - that people don’t change. And God only knows how I wish I WAS wrong...   [End]
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In your place, I’d move on rather then waste my time trying to ”fix” someone else (which is a mission impossible). Once you have joint commitments and kids, she is most likely to give her issues a boost a notch or two, and then you’ll be left wondering what went wrong. We all are good people underneath it all, and so is she; but it’s what people DO that defines them. Our actions are the only thing that counts and they make us what we are. At the age of 20, her young mind is still quite capable of hiding shortcomings; later on it becomes harder and harder and issues just pile up until yo ...
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Here’s something you need to get more familiar with - it’s called ”Psychological projection” (a.k.a ”projection bias”): ”A defense mechanism in which the individual attributes to other people impulses and traits that he himself has but cannot accept. It is especially likely to occur when the person lacks insight into his own impulses and traits.”   [End]
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Hats off to you! I recognize my own experiences in your story; good thing is I am a bit older so I can tell you how it went for me... I also left my home when I was 19, mostly due to abuse there (I wasn’t explicitly told to leave, it was just implied strongly and my stay was made impossible). It wasn’t enough that I was pennyless, I also moved to a completely other town; I had a relative there who was willing to help, but he died a few days before I arrived... I also had a girlfriend at the time so we supported each other emotionally. We moved in together, and immediately started ...
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Re-read your own posts, and you’ll find all the answers right there. ”..Looking back, I was very self-righteous, very critical and very demanding. Do you see yourself as being any of those things?” Here you go criticizing her... the last thing someone in her situation needs. She needs support right now, not criticism, when there is no basis for what you said there (that she might be self-righteous, critical and demanding) ”All that YOU can change is yourself” Here you implicate that something is wrong with her (hence the need to change herself), while putting her whole family out ...
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As much as you’re trying to help, your text sounds like she’s the one who is making the troble - by suggesting that she needs to change and that she needs to appease people who obviously hate her. I must say I strongly dissagree with that viewpoint.   [End]
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(I hit ”agree” instead of ”respond”, sorry for that) I had very similar experiences. That makes you and me ”brothers in arms”. :-) (Interestingly enough, you will find that many smart and successfull people’s biographies read in a similar way.) First of all - you are your parent’s responsibility. From the moment you are born until you are mature enough to take care of yourself, their first responsibility is to love you, support you, and make sure you grow into a healthy self-sufficient individual. From what you write, it’s safe to say that your mom, dad, and stepfather all failed ...
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”he is starting to tell me that if I would just love her more, then her problems would improve.” This shows that he doesn’t understand how serious the situation is. He’s probably a bit of an escapist (workaholic or something...) if he can think it’s that simple. One thing I know for sure is this: a child having two different influences on her growing up is certainly going to end up a very disturbed person. There is nothing worse for a child’s development then having one day an approval for something you do, and the next day being punished for the same thing. That’s why I said that sh ...
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(Soulful survivor gave here one of the best descriptions of a narcissist I ever read) It seems that you have a very good insight into your own challenges, and that means that you’re on your way to solving them. For me the turning point of my life was therapy; it was based mostly on transactional analysis, but also included many other elements. My therapist was also quite liberal in the way t.a. was applied in therapy, and it was way better then what you may read in books (Eric Berne). I actually don’t suggest reading about t.a. - it’s better to enjoy the ride in therapy, then to try ...
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I observed that this happens mostly because husband (in your case) has managed to poison the relationship somehow. These things that poison the relationship are under the radar, and therefore go unnoticed. Sort of like cyanide which someone puts in food in tiny amounts over time - it will kill, but no one will know. Same here. Or sometimes, WE are the ones who were trained and brought up with these poisonous patterns of behaviour. But most often it is both parties. If you could learn to observe those little putdowns that are directed at you, or that you direct at him, or to hear thos ...
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With all the examples you gave, I think you love that girl more then I would, and I like to think of myself as someone who adores kids! :-) If she knows that she always has an option of going to her mom where she can do as she pleases, then she’ll never change her ways with you. Kids are smart that way. Only if you were the only family where she lived, and the only option she had, would she learn that she needed to change.   [End]
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Your text starts with ”I don’t love this child...”. You and I may have totally different idea about what ”love” towards kids is. For me, it is primarily acceptance and understanding and awareness that the child needs support and has a right to live his life happily; and you can dislike a child, and even feel contempt for her behaviour, but you have to understand that children behave as they are influenced to. They don’t have a functional ego - they can only model their own behaviour and ego based on influences from their environment (parent of the same sex primarily). I think you can un ...
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I think that that’s because we choose our lovers based on our own abberations and their ability to bring them out. Then we have someone to be angry at for all the wrongdoing of our parents. And for as long as there is that emotional baggage, there will be unresolved issues in relationsips. People don’t get angry at those who deserve the emotion; they get angry at whoever is closest. People are also not very good at connecting causes and effects which enable the above to happen. In friendships we are not as close as in our relationships so we don’t get the adequate emotional charge to ...
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Sorry for taking this long to respond I’ve asked myself those very same questions over and over again... Then you realize that if we made all the ”right” choices, we’d never have any problems to start with. But how can we know what the best choice is, when we are surrounded with troubles - everywhere one turns there is high probability that we will make an uninformed and therefore bad decision which will cost us dearly - perhaps even our life. Think of all the health problems caused by modern medicine, or all the relationship problems caused by our lack of understanding of the human nat ...
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You’re about three years younger then Linda Evangelista... and I think that most men would kill to date her. :-) But even more importantly, by about that age, men finally start getting it right, and realize that there is more to a woman then her bra size. Not to mention that those who were married and divorced usually learned at least some basic stuff from their wife #1 so that you don’t have to worry about his laundry or that he won’t know how to do dishes. :-) A friendly suggestion - while waiting to see how things will pan out, see what it is you can do for yourself. For instanc ...
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You’re welcome.   [End]
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Thank you for those nice words! I’m in between some important trips so I am typing in a rush (forgive me if I happen to sound too cold because of that!) Yes, I am male - even males are interested in relationship issues! :-) If you read some of my responses I do give a bit of info about me around here, but in short I’ve had my fair share of happiness and misery, maybe a bit more of both then your average guy. Most of troubles were not a result of my bad moves (like cheating or such), but rather lack of knowledge and simple naivete... I also studied psychology for a long time (15+ y ...
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I know I will sound like a broken record, but maybe that’s because certain truths are timeless and apply everywhere... I am trying to understand one interesting part of your relationship, if I got it right: you were in a relationship, while he was fooling around (one night or 1000 nights, all the same), and then when he admitted, you were still in love only hurting? Then to make it worse, today, he again shows same selfish behavior and you think that maybe it’s a good sign, and you should get back with him? Perhaps the question is: do you really know what you want. What is your mo ...
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I haven’t read other responses to preserve my thoughts... and I appologize if I just repeat what has been said: If my better half came home lying to me, and I was SURE and positive that that was the case (that she was not where she said she was), I’d first try to figure out why she’s lying. If it had anything to do with someone else, i.e. - cheating, I’d be out of that relationship before the day’s end. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but in a relationship I would NEVER EVER lie to my gf, and I never did, and I expect exactly the same in return. If she wants to leave, she’s free ...
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These words come to mind: be careful. A marriage is the biggest decision you’ll ever make. Making that decision before you know yourself is certainly going to bring a lot of trouble. Good news is, that even if we make a wrong decision we can still learn from our mistakes (and advance thanks to that!), although most of us actually don’t learn... but rather continue making same mistakes over and over again, hence all these broken marriages and people who try once, twice, three times, and are still equally unhappy. Have you actually lived with the guy you plan on marrying? I’d never dar ...
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Hi there, Maybe I wasn’t clear: I said that you never wrote it as your WISH that you want to be happy when you first wrote here about your troubles. I was obviously trying to be a smartass by noticing that, but anyone could have noticed the same thing. Once I ”reminded” you of that, it was too late for you to try and cover it up :-) Meaning - it was like a ”tell” in poker game (when someone has a specific gesture they make when they have good or bad cards. They can deny it all they want, but their actions already spoke). Two things I conclude: you seemed a bit defensive and you get ...
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Not that I am an expert, heck, I don’t even know if I could recognize a good relationship if it happened to me, but I do have a few bad experiences, so maybe that makes me ”qualified”? :-) Few things that made an impression on me: you had some bad experiences with guy #1, he’s likely to cheat, and probably one of those player types... yet you still think of him. Usually people run away from bad experiences, and try and make sure they never repeat them again... Then, bf #2 has blow-ups, doesn’t really care to take therapy to be able to really share the joy of relationship with you, and y ...
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Look for ”Criterion collection” release of that film on DVD...   [End]
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I much more readily believe in ”doing” something then ”being something”, i.e. doing something that is a selfish act, rather then being selfish, as we all change all the time... and I don’t really like labeling people, but I do believe in calling actions what they are. Regarding a little boy who keeps all his haloween candy for himself, don’t forget that in order to do something that is selfish one HAS to take away something from someone. I would say that the real selfish act will benefit the selfish person a lot less then it would benefit the person who was hurt in the process. Like - k ...
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At 25 you’re perfectly capable of making your own fun time, take advantage of that! Obviously your mom cannot give you that, if there is any way for you to understand that she would if she could, that would be better for you. Believe me - no parent is a bad parent by choice or just by accident. There is always an even worse parent of that parent behind the scenes... Have you seen the t-shirt that says ”It’s actually all my grandmother’s fault” or something along those lines? It’s funny yet it’s true - a bad mom is usually a child of an even worse mom. You’re the one who is noticing the ...
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perhaps your mom was not very close to your dad? in that case, you could’ve ”learned” from her not to open up to the opposite sex, or avoid close relationship which would then push you into impossible relationships just to avoid closeness... has your mom been really warm and chummy and gentle and understanding with your dad? All of us learn how to behave in a relationship from the parent of the same sex as we are. ps. you’re welcome :-)   [End]
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With the exception of the drug pusher, you’ve just described most of humanity! Just because people are not aware of doing those things, they think they are not doing them at all. I would actually bet that most of us present on this discussion right now have done most of those things. Welcome to planet earth :-)   [End]
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You seem to have more of a problem with people misusing the word then with actual selfishness! Books could be written about ”spin doctors” who can turn around any label and put it on their neighbor just to avoid responsibility for their own actions. And even more books about people who don’t know the actual meaning of words, or even worse - how certain words in certain contexts have different meanings... As for the subject of suicide, no one can help a suicidal person who doesn’t ask for help, or doesn’t want to be helped. As a matter of fact, most suicidal persons never ask for help ...
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I don’t agree. When you eat, breathe, work, play, that’s called - responsibility. And it is NOT done at someone else’s expense. It actually has nothing to do with anyone else - by breathing in air, you are not really taking anything significant from anyone else. Same when you go to doctor or when you work, or play. However, selfishness is what comes out from a person’s action when others are affected quite negatively by those actions, which don’t bother the selfish person - as by definition the person in question is selfish and cannot therefore see what they are doing to others while ...
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If things are the way you say they are, then he’s motivated by playing games :-) And even more motivated if you were the first to show you kinda like him. Now he’s probably enjoying his power trip, and even more that he can play with you. If you like to be an object of someone’s games, then go for it, but keep in mind that in games people always get hurt in some way. And if you like to ruin your job/career, then run for him. But if you are wise, you’ll see that people who play games with us do NOT appreciate us and you’ll realize that when we are desparate for love, we tend to se ...
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Her mistake is the way she told you about not wanting to take you there. Her boyfriend probably has an issue or two, and is most likely loosing more money there then he’s willing to admit. If I was your dad, I’d not want to take you to a casino either. It is like giving illegal drugs to your own child. Hence, stay away from casinos. I’ve met more then one person who had to go through serious therapy to get rid of the urge to gamble, and only after they lost everything including their relationships and houses and jobs... So, tell your mom you don’t appreciate it that she shows unde ...
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The internet bf is probably jealous as he doesn’t feel close to you (I wonder why :-) ),and if he’s not close to you, someone else is (which is true!). Add to that his previous experience with former gf, and you’ve got the situation you’re in. But, where I am being nosy is this: being so emotional about your dogs, and not very emotional about guys, makes me wonder about your level of trust towards your love interests. Any good friend is a potential boyfriend. A true friendship is a step short of a relationship, and sex is what usually makes the difference. I don’t see anything wrong w ...
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This is a perfect text for someone not anywhere near getting to know themselves, which can be said of majority of people. However, having been divorced and then married again, and having gone through a great therapy for a few years, I can say that following things ARE possible: - Yes, you may do everything right and still be in a relationship with a ”wrong” person. Example would be having sexual problems with one partner after never having those problems before. The ”one partner” just cannot relax and enjoy anything, including sex, but is a great actor - hence very hard to notice tha ...
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”Evolutionarily speaking, animals are supposed to be selfish in order for their genes to propagate.” That’s simplifying it too much. First, we are not animals, hence animal values are not always applicable to human values. E.g. animals sometimes eat their young, humans should not... Selfishness means being concerned with only oneSELF as in - sending people to wars to advance personal business interests, or cheating on your spouse to satisfy lust, or killing own children to be able to satisfy some selfish interests like save money and time for oneself... Yes, selfishness is prob ...
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Since I am familiar with liver/gallbladder flush, and you :-) I’ll venture a guess... The flush, in my opinion, was probably mostly a trigger, and maybe not even on the physical plane but rather emotional - as in ”you screwed up yet again you fool!!!” - that kind of thing. Liver and galbladder realy are organs where anger is ”stored”, so some connection probably exists; but I wouldn’t blame your emotional state on the failed flush at all. I think it comes from loooooooong time ago (by now you probably already now my opinion about the importance of childhood for our mental state). So ...
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the other thing is that forgiveness is not making excuses for someone elses behaviour. it is choosing to let go even though they may have had absolutely no good reason to do what they did whatsoever. if you base your forgiveness on what kind of excuse you can come up with for their actions then your forgiveness will be limited, some actions have no excuse, what will you do then?   No, forgiveness is most definitely not about "making excuses" for someone else (I never said that btw). It is about understanding others. And another "no": there is no such a thin ...
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You’ve misinterpreted my text, and criticized based on that misunderstanding. Nowhere did I tell anything aginst males. I am male after all, and quite ”in love” with male side in me. But forgiveness requires empathy and that’s female type of energy. It has nothing at all to do with women. It has all to do with emotions. Since women are at least seemengly more emotional then men, we call that the ”female” side. Native indians for instance don’t call male side of things ”male” but ”warrior”. Maybe that’s more appropriate as both men and women are capable of ”warring”? All in all, ” ...
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Sage advice. I would only add the importance of being able to stay yourself, and not loose yourself. As a chinese proverb says: - Not one, not two, but one AND two!   [End]
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Hey pjangel, In my search of ”where do you start from when you want to get better”, I think I came up with something important. I don’t know if you remember when I asked that question - where to start from... Anyhow, I’ll give myself a freedom of giving you advice or suggestion where you didn’t ask me for one. I hope you and autumn don’t mind, as I actaully just jumped in here. The idea is this: Many people who have problems have similar challenges: to organize their lives, to be happy, to notice when others are hurting them (and learn to protect themsleves!) and so on. I came ...
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I recommend learning to be happy all alone first! Things you can do alone: - Take a walk for no reason - Go to a shopping mall, se what’s new, don’t buy anything, observe people, especially kids - Rent or buy a really good film - Learn to prepare some amazing dishes or healthy deserts - Go to a good bookstore, for no reason, just to see what’s there, and see if some book makes you want to read it right away (and buy it if you like it) - Look through magazines, especially in a good bookstore, see if there is something that you like. Maybe a magazine on tropical islands, or writin ...
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Oh, just the usual - my worse half decided to make my evening or any other time I have at home absolute hell. Then next day she ”appologized” and went on with her marry ways... I am getting cynical about all that, it’s like a steam valve for me, but not good. In the long run she could become respectfull and normal, but then again, she may not. Right now she thinks everything is normal, when in truth all I am doing is trying to figure out how to be close to my son and far from her...   [End]
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Hi Autumn, It’s the female side that forgives. That may help you understand what’s going on a little better. Male side of our personalities is about hunting and gathering, about survival of our families and making sure our genes stay in the gene pool; it’s about warriors in us. Female side is all about deep, honest, not contaminated by reason - feelings, and feeling. A comparison of the two: If a someone bumped into you on the street, your male side is already drawing mental swords and ready to ”kill”. If it comes out that bump was accidental, male side figures ”That person made ...
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pjangel, it is quite possible that your cramps and nightmare are some kind of fear where you are used to things taking an ugly turn just when they seem to be in best of order. how did your parents react when you were happy? did you have situations as a kid when your parents would quickly make a really good sitation go very bad? if the answer is yes, then you know where those cramps and nightmares come from. probably most other things too. sorry I can’t help more, I am a nervious wreck myself right now... but very very happy that your situation is making progress! God bless you, ...
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If you didn’t get a new piece of furniture in 26 yrs, except for two pieces that you mention, and the way you describe it, I think that there is more then just broadcasting a message that ”you’re not worth it”. First of all, didn’t YOU ever want to buy a piece of furniture? Why didn’t you buy it? If it was because you didn’t really want to buy anything - there’s your answer! You probably didn’t think you were worht it; and ”as within, so without” applies, meaning - as you feel about yourself within, that’s what you will broadcast on the outside (and will treat others the same way!). If you ...
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dear 44841, There are no magic wands or quick solutions. We are all in the same situation - trying to be better persons, and in that respect you are no different from the rest of the world. We are all aware we could be a lot better, and are trying to get there. No shortcuts. why? Because that’s what your and my and everyone else’s life is all about. It is not about your career, or your girlfriend’s looks, or even about having a family, or even kids (as much as those are important!). It actually still all boils down to this: you were born to make some evolutionary advance in your spirit, ...
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Well, the first and hardest step in becoming happy and FREE is taking responsibility for your situation, and tha’t what you just did! So - congrats on your strength, it is very rare. What you are trying to do - become a better person towards others and yourself - is the biggest and best challenge of our lives. It doesn’t happen overnight, and abuse that you indulged in (abusing your own girlfriend, even if it’s ’just’ emotional, and abusing yourself) for so long, do not just dissappear. First qustion is: since when did you change? People say you’ve changed, that you were a fun guy an ...
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You’re welcome, and my appologies for sounding a little cold - I just read what I wrote, and since I have a crying baby, wife in trouble, and too little time, I think my previous message sounds a little cold or impersonal. It was not meant to be that way. It reminds me of a scene from ”Pulp Fiction” when mr. Wolf comes and says something like ”If I am curt it’s because time is a factor...”. Also, no time to check my spelling either :-)   [End]
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So far I’m a little slow about being able to recognize myself in your description. Maybe my pain level is so high that it’s making me stupid. I think you are right. Most of the people have such a high pain level since their childhood, that they spend their entire lives living alienated from themselves. They cannot look inside as looking (and seeing the pain) hurts too much. So they look elsewhere - books, friends, jobs, careers, being liked and so on. From my own experience, the one or two things that are major stumbling blocks in our lives are always in our blindspot. We just cann ...
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Oh my... 52320... Did you know that your anonimous number - 52320 - is numerologically = 12? that’s 5+2+3+2+0 = 12. In numerology it can mean a lot of things, but one that comes up is that number 1 is the teacher or master, and 2 is someone who is bent over just like the shape of the number itself. I look at it as a pupil who is learning through many putdowns and victimizations. I just noticed that - i don’t read much into numbers though. But it may help to know that some of the wisest and happiest people on the planet became that through many trials and troubles which made them first v ...
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Hey autumn, I responded to your ”honest” thread - just in case you didn’t see it...   [End]
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Here we are celebrating New Year’s at our computers. Doesn’t get much worse then that does it? Yesterday, just as we were preparing for New Year’s (we both like to celebrate it!), and were coming back from shopping for gifts for our baby (baby’s first new year’s), we were entering the building and as I was holding the doors for my wife to go through with the stroller and whatnot, she gets mad at me for holding the door. She goes something like ”I’ve told you a million times I HATE IT when people hold the door for me! I am much better at holding my own door...”. As usual, this comes as a ...
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Dear Autumn (we know each other if you remember), I’ll write my view before reading others to preserve my thoughts as they come. So many ideas come to mind, I don’t know where to start from :-) First thing I’d do in this case is - I’d look into your chart (I’d need your date, time and place of birth). I am a pretty good astrologer, even though I pretend I don’t know much. Keeps me safe from those who put wrong type of emphasys on astrology. However, a chart done well could show where all this may be coming from. Sometimes it is something you brought in from a previous existance, w ...
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Gosh, I hope my reply doesn’t come too late - I’d love to exchange a few ides with you... It’s been a while since I firmly believed in the good old ”it takes two to tango”. Yes, there is certainly responsibility on our part for most of the stuff that happens to us. Even if a meteor lands on our head - we chose the spot where to stand; it is kinda phylosophical responsibility, but a responsibility never the less. Now, I’d like to examine this point very carefully: - If it is always the case of TWO people rather then a possibility of just ONE person screwing up, then lets examine e ...
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I am equally good at stirring trouble with religious people and with psychologists, and doctors, and even teachers of all kinds... they all pretty much suffer from similar problems and those who truly understand what they are doing are so rare. And in the process of a little mockery, I hope to awaken the true interest for what they are doing, except more often it brings the ”shadow” in them. Here’s what I thought when I mentioned that dark part or ”shadow” or ”negative charge”: most people are really not aware what’s really negative. There are so many ways to be negative and not even kn ...
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I think you’re right. What’s more important, it seems that I’ve become desinsitized to her outbursts... which is not good. Although I kinda hope that this early (baby is only a few months old) this doesn’t affect the baby. But as you say, I will watch how things go from here as every day baby can and will absorb more from the environment, even if stuff is not directed at the baby.   [End]
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BTW, I am really sorry to hear about your brother. I will pray for his soul tonite. At least, lets make sure he goes where he should - somewhere nice where he’s not too far from friends and Jesus). I know that sudden deaths of young people can be hard for their souls and I know that prayer is essential for them. God bless him.   [End]
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I hear you. I am not religious in traditional sense. I actually am known to stir some ”trouble” when people talk about religion (like asking if Jesus was a Christian usually puts puzzled look on their faces :-)). I do believe in God, but think that He can help only when we have a clear goal that we are working at and just cannot get there. For instance, if you brother really wanted to get out of Iraq, but couldn’t physically for some reason, then I think prayer would help. But if he wasn’t actively working on it, then his wish was granted - to be there. (I hope this doesn’t sound harsh - ...
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I am very carefull about this, so far she hasn’t acted badly in front of the child. Or at least I haven’t noticed?   [End]
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You are so right. I do pray, and I do believe that God can help us when we can’t help ourselves. However, she doesn’t pray for right things. I don’t know if she really realizes yet what she is doing. One cannot want to change something they think is right.   [End]
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Dearest 35048, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt close to anyone so quickly as you. And we don’t even know each others names (I have no problem with that). I admire your courage, as all those things you say, you probably went through yourself. It is amazing for me to see an opposite point of view in some of these things. Not to mention that I am re-thinking some of my (re)actions... As before, I will now go back to your message and read it slowly many times over... some revolutionary stuff for me there... Love and hugs ps. How would I contact you through email?   [End]
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hey Autumn, Great to see you again. ”Taking better care of myself” is better, although not how I’d like it to be. Baby is not sleeping so even if I sleep in a separate room, I still hear the crying (during night my wife is taking care of the baby). Baby’s pretty good with sleeping, she sleeps long stretches, but it takes forever for her to fall asleep in the first place - usually it is not before 2am or even 4am... I had a few long talks with my wife recently. I actually told her that I consulted some well meaning people (telling her that was a BIG risk!) and they all agreed that som ...
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Wow. Im still under strong impression from reading this... and other answers, but your strikes me differently. You’ve obviously been there. Yes, house is a mess, and if I complain, she blames it on me - then I see she is just being defensive as always and I withdraw. And, I have changed a bit as far as voicing my anger. That I did maybe a few times before, but not in a right way - now I try to say it exactly as it is, instead of for instance just calling her names (which I did very very rarely anyway). However, during her pregnancy, I didn’t want her to have any stress; I did have ...
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Now, I’ve read all the replies and one thing that came up in my mind while reading is that she has numerous problems that are related. It’s like a bad web of troubles. I will try to make a ”list” here, and maybe you can try and tell me what is the most basic thing, or where to start from: She is definitiely fobic, and primarily from people - #1 would be ”What others are going to think”. That’s why she’d never be open to anyone about any troubles, because she is afraid that they will think she’s crazy or something, or that they will talk behind her back. This may grow into paranoia, I ...
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what you’re saying is so true. That’s why I want to make sure that really all possible solutions have been tried. Interestinlgy, one of my friends divorced his wife and only then did she go for counselling; she improved over the years and they are back together and much happier!   [End]
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Autumn, You’ve managed to put a smile on my face - more then once! :-) If just reading this makes you stressed, how is it for me, I wonder? :-) So often we see people suffer and they don’t realize it... maybe I am in the same situation... ”Super vigilant” - nice way to put it. Funny thing is I was never really too sure if she was joking or not with those things. For instance, every time she would either cut herself or even just have a minor scratch, I could see her upset, but didn’t know that she would be upset because she was afraid of blood poisoning. Almost every time she woul ...
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28811, I first thought you were a man (not saying this in a disrespectful way at all)! It helps a great deal to get a woman’s perspective here - especially someone like you. And a few of you, have been really helpfull with sharing your experiences and above all - showing that it IS possible to want to change, and finally - change! That’s also what I’ve been believing all these years, but she’s proven me wrong... the essential ingredient obviously being - where does the will to change come from. Few women who answered here, all changed because they initiated the change, not because thei ...
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Oh one more thing, just popped in my mind as I was (yet again) reading Lissa’s response from the earlier thread: my wife doesn’t really want to do something to get better. As opposed to Lissa who was actively persuing anything she thought would help, my wife is avoiding that like a plague. The only reason she ever went to a therapist was beacuse I asked her to. She did buy one or two psychology books which were quite good, but never absorbed much from them. Probably the most amazing thing is that she can get some new knowledge, some revelation and within days she forgets all about it- l ...
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Hi Lessa, Autumn, and other kind people around here who shared their thoughts with me earlier! Since I posted the other ”What would yo do” topic, a few things have happened, that I wanted to share with you to possibly get some more feedback from you. I was really starting to think (as has happened before!) that my wife is on the way out of troubles. She’s been totaly sweet and plain normal for so long, that all the bad experiences seemed so distant that I thought I must’ve exaggarated... Here’s the rest of the story, fresh from this week: This Monday (five days ago), was quite ...
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this: ”Would you be mad at me if I said I didn’t know what I wanted?” and this: He told me he needed time to think about whether or not ”we should go on.” It sounds like he’s not very mature and therefore cannot love you or anyone else - it will take him a while to learn to love. Like I said it was probably too early to be with him. The fact he has all the answers doesn’t mean he’s not lying, as it’s details that will show if he is lying not general questions like ”where were you?”. Do not cling on to him at all costs, let him be, and above all let him know that it’s OK whatever ...
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Listen to that voice within! It takes more then few months to get over a bad brake-up (being dumped I consider a bad brake-up). You can be friends, enjoy your time together, but listen to your intuition. Strengthen the friendship with him, that way there is nothing to loose. Either you’ll have a really good friend for a long time, or who knows, some day it may grow to something bigger then friendship. As for your worries about your looks and so on: I as a man would give the longest legs and best tits in the world for an honest, loving, good woman/girlfriend. And even the best look ...
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Cowgirl, What you wrote is a little sketchy. There is not enough info for anyone to know what is going on. But here are a few things that struck me as strange: 1. His girlfriend says she’s three and a half months pregnant with him? Plus, you don’t mention when they broke-up; they were together for a few years, and if she really is pregnant with him, then they were together until recently, and you and him got together even more recently - like two months ago, right? In that case, if he was with his ex for so long, it was too soon for you to be with him. It takes a while for someone ...
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Lessa, Thank you so much, I will read this over and over again. I too am a little busy, and even though I read through what you wrote, I want to read it nice and slow to absorb it and start researching. I hope everything comes out OK with the hurricane in Florida! Good luck and God bless you!   [End]
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Lessa, Again I am overwhelmed by your letter - in a positive way. I am also very interested in self-hypnosis, and would truly appreciate your taking a few minuts to explain to me how you did it. How do you start a session, how do you end it. Did you start all alone, or did you have some help in the begining. Thank you so much Lessa, God bless! ps. You are so right about my fears and hers not being the same... (hers really are terror!) and also the thing about developing psychic abilities as a result of abuse - she is very psychic - interestingly her dreams are worth gold, but s ...
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Lessa, I am so overwhelmed with your message as I am reading some of the stuff for the first time (especially EFT), so I will have to read it again and again. I can’t express enough gratitude for the time and effort and especially honesty about your experiences. This means world to me. First of all - things CAN get better, and secondly - there IS a way to get better. She does also have pain sometimes during intercourse, problem is also that she rarely says it... There was some problem with her uterus, it was actually discovered by our healer - he ”worked” on it (some type of heal ...
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Welcome to the club! :-) My first wife was exactly the same - we lived overseas due to my job, we had a baby, a few months later she moves back to live with her family, not asking for devorce or anything, I was totaly broken, she was a total bitch (I just didn’t see it that way), finally I move in with all of them leaving my job and all, thinking she only left as she needed help with the bahy (that’s what she said and I believed it)... and as soon as I came back, a few weeks later I was kicked out on the street, jobless and treated like a dog. She then married my best friend a few month ...
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Lessa, this sounds most interesting! I haven’t ever thought about it that way. Although I can’t remember why, I remember she took a bit of skin lotion with soy in it to help hormonal imbalance or something. I can’t remember why - but I remember her doing it... Also her periods were not exactly regular - they were also rather short, and a lot of times missing. I attributed that to all the stress she put herself through. Lastly - did you feel any better during hormonal imbalance if you took some alcohol - more relaxed and happy? One strange thing is that if she takes a bit of alcoho ...
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33637 and 48313, How quick and easy you are to judge someone who actually did nothing to you, and whose situation you can’t really know. In words of my favorite spiritual guru: - Never judge another person or his deeds. If you had the same childhood, same upbringing, same body, same conditions, same challenges and problems, you would do the same. Remember that before you start judging others. And judge only if you are 100% ready to be judged yourself. Are you really perfect?   [End]
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Dear 53677 , I haven’t read other responses to keep mine as pure as possible. Here’s the scoop: I’ve studies a lot about all this. I can’t maybe see my own situation as well as I can someone else’s, but I can tell you things I have learned and observed and they never fail. They do apply to you in all likelyhood: - People go through life like a story in a book. It has it’s chapters, it has it’s events or plot. Those plot points, or chapters happen at predetermined times. They are always triggered by something: certain age, or certain change in our lives. You married a woman, ...
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Gosh, you not only answered my post, and that rarely happens, but you actually thought about this, which happens even less. :-) Ha ha I love your sense of humor! Now I’m embarrassed reading all that stuff that I wrote at you. What a fluffy thing to do, giving you advice. Well you’d be right if I didn’t ask for advice; but I clearly and explicitly did. So, it wasn’t fluffy at all - it was cute and helpfull above all! Gosh. New baby! Congratulations! Now THAT is an intense experience, and that sure shifts the lever on the planet. That’s the natural center of it all. It’ ...
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Autumn, In my favorite style I’ll say - YOU ROCK! :-) And what’s interesting is - I also have a flu. Although no fever. If you don’t mind writing again, or at least for your reading pleasure, I’ll try to respond to some of the questions you asked or suggested: ”About whether you are asking too much... If you were to keep changing the bar all the time, sure; like if you want the kitchen floor perfect when you come home one night and everything hot on the stove the next and she has to be decked out like a swan diva the next, then that would be hard.” I am in that respect the ...
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My dear anonimous friend, Your thoughts during your marriage reflect mine exactly. And after pondering all the angles, including not only the spiritual but even possible carmic lessons and connections, you sooner or later start thinking about yourself. I think that what makes this whole thing harder is that I have advanced on some personal lever quite a lot during and after the therapy. I wasn’t like I was a nutcase, or a maniac, just that T.A. helped me get out of the ”box”. And that’s where the ”problem” is - you learn to say ”I”. Or - ”I learned to say ”I”. :-) But she didn ...
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That sounds great, but what I haven’t really stressed enough here is that talking to her is almost impossible if it’s an ”issue”. (Maybe if we agree on it in advance... I’ll try anyway). If we are talking about weather outside, she may just complain about it a little, and that’s all. If it’s TV programming - same thing. But if she has a genuine problem she’d rather not do anything. If someone did something wrong to her, she’d rather lick her wounds and be pissed forever at that person then try and resolve whatever it was (like people from work or neighbors). I haven’t even noticed as ...
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There is certainly a lot of truth in what you’re saying. Maybe the biggest challenge is not expecting from others to be your equal. We all look at the world through our own personalities, so if I ’can’ then she (or everyone?) ’can’ too...   [End]
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Never heard of EFT before, so I will read about it - thank you!   [End]
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Thank you so much for your response! This is actually the first time I am ”talking” about this so openly (except with the therapist). Especially since there is this image about me as a successfull guy, who’s got it all figured out so if I have a problem friends are like ”if you can’t figure it out, no one can” ;-) ... and this one thing I feel I am not even close to ”figuring”. Probably the biggest problem is that she withdraws from the whole world in some way - escapism as you say. She watches all the talk shows, all the soaps, and other similar stuff... reads all the magazines about h ...
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As much as I can see well other people’s challenges and I immediately see where the core of the problem is, I can’t do that for myself. Maybe others here will see stuff from a better vantage point. The problem is relationship with my wife. here it goes. We met 7 yrs ago. She was really wonderfull, full of energy, sexy, talkative, into music which is what I love (I’m a closet musician :-)), quite spiritual, and above all not afraid to challenge the norms which I love to do also. She was one of the rare persons that surprised me with her fresh way of looking at things, and that inspire ...
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If her boyfriends cheated on her, treated her badly, and she’s stuck on age issue, then she doesn’t really want to be loved. She wants to be treated like crap. I know, sounds bad, but it’s true. This comes from family and the way she was treated there. She certainly has a very good side to her, which is what you love about her, but that’s not her whole self. If you get together with her in the end, it is very likely that you will pay for all the wrongdoings of her former boyfriends and possibly whatever her father did... like didn’t love her enough. Look for a girl from a happy fa ...
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