Thank you so much Bluerose and Soulfulsurvivor for such nice and encouraging words by JTM14 ..... Rape Survivors Support Forum
Date: 12/11/2010 9:38:39 AM ( 9 years ago ago)
Thank you so much Bluerose and Soulfulsurvivor for such nice and encouraging words. You two are so very kind.
Like I said before, I'm so glad I found this forum.
I wanted to share the happy and relieving news that I finally got my HIV tests results back and they are negative. I was so worried because it was taking so long for the results to come back. All the other STD test results came back quickly so I was worried as to why the HIV one didn't.
My Mom was so great at trying to comfort me and stay calm but I know inside she was just as worried as me. Then we got the call and I think hearing the results of that call was just as scary as finally telling my best friend I was being raped.
The doctor told my Mom that the results were negative, however it takes up to 6 months for the HIV virus to be detected so I will have to take another HIV test in about that time.
For now, I'm very relieved and happy. Now onto Dave, he's still denying the charges even after being told of all the evidence against him so now we're forced to go to trial. I was hoping that bastard wouldn't be such a coward and just admit his fault and spare me and my Mom from having to relive this nightmare. So now there's a pretrial hearing set for next May 16th. Man, everything seems to be like a waiting game now. I just want it to be over with and as I said before, I am going to feel so humiliated having to give all those sick details of what he did to me to a bunch of strangers but I want him to pay for what he did to me, so I know what I have to do and I will find the courage to do it. The counseling has helped.
In a counsel session Mom said she felt like she failed as a Mom because she didn't protect me and I told her that she didn't know so how could she?
I told her that I didn't blame her and that I never will and that I loved her. We both hugged and Ginny(the counselor) said it was a great beginning on healing.
Mom and I are closer than ever now. She's actually been my rock through all of this. My one regret is that I didn't tell her myself and that she found out through the police, but I can't change that now.
I'm doing okay physically now. My internal injuries have pretty much healed and I'm not in any pain anymore.
Emotionally, I'm still dealing. I still have trouble sleeping. I've been experiencing my rapes all over again in nightmares and wake up either in a cold sweat or screaming in which wakes my Mom up and she comes running in my room.
So my counselor has told me to do a few things that might help like to take a warm soothing bath before bedtime, think positive thoughts, keep a lamp light on, keep on some soothing music softly and even have a pet sleeping next to me can help.
I tried some of these ideas already and they didn't work so now my counselor recently told me to write down the recurring bad dream and what happens in it. Then she told me to rewrite the dream in any way that I want so that it is no longer frightening and has a positive outcome and before going to sleep, go through the dream as rewritten, going over the new scriipt in my mind constantly to help re-program my mind.
I don't know if it will work but at this point I'll try anything. It's just hard to not replay or erase those awful painful moments with Dave in my mind so I'm worried this idea won't work either.
So my question is, does it ever get easier?
Do the nightmares go away eventually?
Another thing I noticed is that I thought I was okay and didn't feel ashamed anymore because my friends have been so supportive but I didn't even think about all my other relatives like my aunts and uncles.
Last weekend, Mom and I went to my aunt Susan and Uncle Bobby's house and I felt like I was under a microscope. My aunt and cousins hugged me so gently, it made me feel like I was made of glass or something and my aunt had tears in her eyes.
She couldn't even look at me that much. And when my uncle went to hug me, I flinched and backed away.
Honestly, I didn't mean to. I felt so bad. It was such an awkward moment. I hate this, but I can't stand being touched by any male anymore even if it's someone I love and trust. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help it.
My cousin has an Xbox so we played games but I could still hear my mom, aunt and uncle in the other room talking about how fragile I am and how they don't know if I'll ever get over what happened to me.
So even though I thought I was coping, there are still a lot of things that are emotionally hard for me. SoulfulSurvivor, you said that your sons suffered something horrible too?
Can I ask what it was?
If it's too personal and painful for you, I understand but I was wondering whatever has happened to them, how have they coped with it?
Are they okay now and what have you and they done to help overcome whatever happened to yous?
I'm asking out of concern and for any similar situation advice that might be helpful for me to help cope with some of these emotional things that I just can't get rid of.
I'm becoming frustrated with myself because I want to be normal again. I don't want to flinch every time someone goes to hug me or have people talking about how fragile I am. I want to feel good again.
SoulfulSurvivor, you say you believe I'm strong and have a purpose in life to do good and I thank you but why can't I have that same faith in me as you do?
Will I feel good about myself again?
And do you really think I'm stronger than I think I am and will be able to face Dave at the trial?
My Mom and everyone says so but when will I ever believe it?
It seems more easier to accept what you, BlueRose and other survivors say because you can understand what I'm going through.
My Mom and everyone has been so supportive but they really don't understand what I'm going through because it didn't happen to them.
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