Bella! Thanks for getting back to me...not only once but twice!
Support is so comforting, but so hard to ask for. I have been pushing people away for years...until everthing explodes and now I cannot do it by myself anymore...I have lost most of my friend over the last 12 months by my own fault. The phone kept ringning and I would just ingnore it(plus all that guilt!)And theres no way I would tell them what was going on! Havent allowed myself see my family for more then a year too... they do live in a differant province so they could not come knocking on my door when I was at my worst.May have been helpful but my personal pride says otherwise. Living by myself has been a blessing and a curse at the same time.
Sometimes when Im feeling so angry and frustrated about my situation I become very sarcastic and imagine telling my friends; look the reason why I cannot do anything anymore is bcose I am a pig and I cannot stop eating...I know its more then that...but its hard to get over the shame of having such issus with food. In my wildest dreams I wish I was an alcoholic...getting drunk dosnt seem as disgraceful as binging to me! (but I know its not true and I should dream of being healthy and balanced insted!)
I told u I was working as a flight attendant, did I also mention that Ive been on a sick leave for the last 7 months...wow! even to me that sound just amazing! When I took a break in Feb, I thought that I just needed to chill out a litle for a week or 2...but I soon realised that things had to get way way worst before to get better!!!
Bulimia and Depression have been part of my life for 12 years or so...it was in the background I could not deny it but I'd keep it for myself, I had not been diagnosed..I was working, having a social life, traveled a lot in asia, being passionate about life most of the time...
Last year I did The Master Cleanse for 50 days or so. It wasjust amazing. I was feeling so free and high! After so long I had no desire to go back to food and mess with this blissful state of peace , was interested into raw food too. I even met David Wolf (raw movement guru!) this guy is so inspiring and vibrant with life energy!
Fasting is fantastic but when having issus with bulimia it can b playing with fire too. just I as I was comming out of the fast and was feeling great I bumped into a guy I had been so in love with for a while, he made it clear that it would never go anywhere(not that I ever expected it to anyway!) but the suprise of seeing him made me panic, I allowed myself 1 binge just to take the feeling away! this 1 binge turned into days, weeks, a major break down and here I am 8 months later
I will be fasting again in my life but I know we must handle it carefuly!
Ive started to see my therapist las feb.Bless him! we meet about twice a week. hes the one who got me on the hospital program wait list...since Im still uncomfortable to talk about whats going on w friends and family, these visits r very helpfull...challenging too!
Are you taking some meds?
I didnt want to myself but since I could not get out of bed anymore I started prozac(they say it may b good to treat bulimia), stopped for a while and got so bad...Ive started again lately and made a commitment to stick with it for a few months. I know its not the best but it may be better then the other scenarios I had in mind as an emergency exit!
its getting late and I must go...but Im happy, all that time I wasnt home fighting with my demons!
thankyou for listening and feel free to tell me anything u feel like about yourself...