Re: Cheated on and not sure what to do
You're not foolish or stupid - you're just going through what many, many women (and, men) do on a daily basis.
What we want for ourselves is often not what is best of us - we allow the emotion of a situation to overrule common sense because of fear, fantasy, etc. God knows, I did it for almost 15 years, was given a nice STD by my loving and abusive ex-spouse, and STILL I fought to keep our marriage intact. What I did to my children by remaining in a union based upon deception, greed, abuse, dishonesty, disrespect, and narcissism was to teach them that women are to be used, are weak, are easily manipulated, and are inconsequential - they can be replaced like a broken toy. As a result of my remaining with my ex, my eldest son nearly killed his own wife of 4 months and my youngest is so directionless that it might even be comical if it weren't so tragic.
Whatever your feelings are about bringing the whole issue to a head by including the other woman in dialogue are your own. You will do as you see fit. But, I will gently point out that the use (and, abuse) of your 8-year-old daughter as a chaperone to accompany YOUR husband on outings/meetings/liasons with the other woman is unacceptable and utterly damaging to your daughter. She is bearing the burden of "not telling" anything that she might be exposed to, visually or vebally. Such a burden is too much responsibility for any child to bear and it is inexcusable, deplorable, and 100% inappropriate. THAT would be enough of a red flag for me!!!! To include an include an innocent kid in perpetrating deception is tantamount to physical abuse in most psychological circles - red flag, bad sign, no accountability, etc., etc., etc.
Again, I learned that life is WAY too short to attempt to force something that might not have existed in the first place. I would examine the reasons that I'm intent upon staying with such a man, insist upon counseling, and (as was wisely suggested) set a definite time limit.
I might also add this: my ex didn't want our marriage to end, either. It wasn't because he respected me, loved me, cared about me, considered me a partner, and sought me out for companionship. My ex didn't want our marriage to end for financial reasons and psychological reasons - he didn't want to have to PAY anything and lose his narcissistic supply source, and those are the ONLY two reasons that he didn't want it to end.
My best wishes to you.