Stop backpedaling and admit your proclivities... I know it, the people that know you know it and so do most on this board.
It could also be the reason you attach to firmly to father figures, clinging on their every word. Once you come out to the world you will be able to shed your need of these father authority figures that are keeping your from expressing your real self. Is it fear? Shame? Can't you break out of your programming?
We both know you want some action, there is nothing wrong with it.