Re: Problem with my son

I offer you sincere virtual hugs....I also have a son who developed into an NPD/borderline personality disorder.

I left his NPD father when he was 12 - bad timing, yeah. But, I had sunk so low and been so emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, spiritually, and in all ways, battered, that it was either going to be him or me - and, I couldn't murder and I couldn't commit suicide. So, I left.

There are too many details to recount, here, but understand that you did the best that you could have done with what skills that you had. Not all of us are lucky enough to have children grow into appreciative, supportive adults. Some of our children develop into our worst nightmares through no fault of our own.

If it helps you to understand that you're not alone, I learned (a year ago) that my eldest son had nearly beaten his wife of 4 months nearly to death. In addition, he perpetrated larceny by stealing the checkbook of a "friend" while he was in a military hospital psych unit. I also found out that he had fabricated, forged, and falsified his military documents by cutting & pasting & printing different military forms found on the internet. Last (but, certainly not least) I found out that he had produced and forged military Service Awards, complete with gold seals on parchment paper. I almost threw up, in all honesty.

I did everything that I could do to help my son via therapy, counseling, opportunities for experiences (Outward Bound, etc.) and he refused all of it in deference of his NPD father's games.

I haven't spoken to my eldest son in almost a year. When I found the evidence of the fake Service Awards, I told him to consider me dead.

We give birth to our children with great hopes and expectations. Hopes that we will bring them up better than we were brought up - self-assured, safe, educated, and kind. Expectations that they will demonstrate responsibility, accountability, and appreciation for the sacrifices that we willingly made on their behalves. We don't always get back what we have given. When that happens, we need to focus on things that have a positive influence upon our lives. Just because they are our offspring doesn't mean that we are required to accept their abuse.

The fable of the Prodigal Son has rung through my head for the past year. Yes, I have always forgiven my son for his shortcomings and choices. No, I will not allow him back into my life unless there is a clear, visible change and he takes responsibility for the damage that he has inflicted upon me, and others who so desperately tried to help him.

You will be okay - you ARE okay. You're just terribly hurt. You may want to consider short-term counseling with an abuse specialist. You'll learn that his choices are not your responsibility and be given valuable tools to help you through this process of grief. My best wishes to you. Tweet