thanks lilpolock for your comment, you have a neat observation.
very confusing it's been in the past. almost like an eclipce of self, that unbeknownst to me and unconsciously took place
maybe she have superpowers to me due to the importance with which i view her.
i have had two years now of deliberate anger, not emotional and fiery, but a ward and a buffer, i wanted to show i had nothing to give her. she cried on the rare occasions i met her, did some soul searching allthough she does not like to dig (i think) i ended the angry fasad, now she seems like before, not really seeing the people before her, her hearing is poorer too now.
the issue i think is me (via my mother) keeping myself from changing, i've done things i like, but maybe not followed them through.