Very sad, overwhelmed, and distressed

Maya,
It seems a bit much.....I went to the eye doctor today--I figured the stress of the last year was taking a toll. When I get 'emotionally" blown, I lose vision. When I go dancing, it clears. So, I figured I'd get some glasses to cover until I "heal".

Today, he was pretty patient. He tested and testedme. He was stunned--two years ago, I had relatively healthy eyes, not perfect vision, but nothing major. I got glasses, but then didn't wear them.

He said there were weird like signs of a 'blister' popping....that was a bit odd. I told him I tended to be a bit odd. Then he dialated my eyes.....

He asked if I took any drug like ?prestigone or something? and of course I don't. He said that I had something he had never seen in a 50 year young person with such good health habits, and not on any medications--I have not just beginning cateracts, but like 65 percent cataracts and I'd need surgery in 2 to 5 years. He was a bit surprised, but not REAL concerned. Hey, whats a cataract surgery to an eye doctor?

Well, it is a big deal to me. I'm devastated; with everything else I'm TRYING to deal with. It's like, the universe said "You knew two years ago you had to change things. You didn't. You gave yourself away. You wouldn't focus on taking care of yourself, even though you knew. Will you take yourself seriously now?"

I cried, I wrote. I "heard" All is well, even if you can't "see" it now, among other things. Like not getting mad at myself.

I know this can be turned around, but I can't tell my husband, because he is one who can't accept the world I believe in, that we can heal without drugs. I'm angry, to be honest. It becomes clearer to me that I shortchanged myself for years, and let him ridicule my needs. If I'm to be free of the "group reality" I can't tell him. He would undercut me, like he has for years. And I don't know if my faith and ability to care for myself is strong enough. I spent a whole day helping a sick daughter on Thursday--now she is out 'playing' with her Dad, and I'm aching and hurting and afraid I'm not wise or strong enough to heal. And I'm so damn SAD that I gave myself away so cheaply--that I wouldn't "listen".

I wrote about it--I will fight for my vision, my vision of the future. Then my "Christian friend" I shared with prayed with me, praying I might be able to SEE what I needed to see (she thinks my divorcing my husband for less than adultery is unchristian).

I'm exhausted, I hurt. Yesterday was a hard day--my fantasy of a amicable divorce was shattered when my husband (who had been saying he loved me and would do anything to keep me in the marriage) turned ugly when I said I was still pursuing the divorce. He said I could leave, but he wasn't. And that I should have to "prove" myself before I even asked for a divorce. And that I was 'sick" to think we could 'put the kids first' and share the house (the kids staying and the parents having a room elsewhere). And he said he'd spend the money to fight me. So much for the fantasy he would change, and someday....yea, right....

etc etc.
Too exhausted to go on. Then had a migrane/half, jaw pain this morning. Barely made it to the apt., just to hear that my eyes are the eyes of an old woman.

My box is so full, I don't kn ow if I'll find your reply. Thanks for "listening". Can I overcome this?

And the friend/healer I count on the most said he was busy till Monday, at the earliest. I don't have the friends I used to. I'm scared. I don't k now if I'm strong enough to face all this.

pj



Later,
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