1 am ramblings, thanks Flegling(n/r/m : no real message, but good therapy I hope)

Dearest Fledgling,
As life goes, the crisis of the day involving an angry daughter, lost glasses, a big project due, a missed scout thingie (I forget what is was called ) all came to a happy ending--glasses found (only an hour and a half cost) the daughter soothed, big sisters stepped in and took over at my request, haven't made up to my son who's honor ceremony I missed, but he's pretty cool, but the end result was not getting to this email BEFORE bed, and then waking up at the project making drew to an end (couldn't find sound blocker, couldn't listen to what sleep cd I did have with ear plugs in: voila, slept from 10 to 12 (I really don't know if it was the noise or the bladder that woke me)

Anyway, I got everyone back to bed, actually spoke decently with my husband (that always riles me up--I had to catch him up on the school meeting agenda, etc etc etc...or did I? I ducked into my room when he drove up last night at 9:30 so I wouldn't get 'pulled into things', and he marched in without knocking (well, it is his room too, he just agreed to move out for a year to see if it would help my sleep, which while I was in deep Depression was probably a good thing--it would have been really bad to been that low AND not sleeping. ) anyhow, I digress. He said "so, you're asleep, huh?" I was getting my herbs, putting on my sleep cd, etc etc for bedtime. I told him if I HAD already fallen asleep, I would have probably killed him. A VERY poor choice of words, but I think there is a deep anger down inside. Then it was harder to get to sleep.

He woke up now to get some water and offered to set up my massage table and give me a backrub. Funny thing--it's been sitting in the living room for 6 months(I got it at Christmas time, on ebay, used, because when I don't sleep I hurt, and by December last I hadn't had decent sleep for four months, and was starting to get VERY agressive. Or was it the Christmas before? Scarey, I can't remember. Anyway, it had been sitting unused, folded up (my sister stopped by in May and worked on me while she was passing through) so while I was struggling with suicidal thoughts, yet not in physical pain, and we were maintaining 'congugal' visitations, he never once suggested using it. He's been wise enough to NOT come crawl in my bed (okay,his too) for a week, and frankly, it's a bit obvious. Or I'm a bit overhurt. Maybe I should take it at face value, but I'm not. I turned down the offer for a backrub, told him that my knee and back were giving me fits (this insomnia episode is NOT like the others--it used to take me a couple weeks before I was in pain, this time, 4 days into it I felt arthritic. My knee and back were hurting slightly before the cycle started, it magnified them by 100 percent.

Anyway, I'm lost. He doesn't realize what he stirs up in me just talking to me. He's already been to the bathroom, had his milk and cookies (I had half a glass of rice milk with cardamon, my l-theanine(still haven't looked it up--I can't believe I'm taking a supplement on a doctors recommendation without looking it up)my tryptopah, and one of the sleep capsules Owen recommended.) And instead of just reading your delightful narative, I'm lost venting as it gets later.

Anyhow, I would hope to tape your little narrative, but I don't have a tape recorder that records, to make it short, it would be a long frustrating process. So I'll just read it to myself one more time before I go to bed, and perhaps another day.....

Tomorrows "to do list" has grown like a monster. How can I live for six months doing almost NOTHING, and then have a list that is like reality? I guess it's because depressed I don't 'give a damn' about anyone, and now, the real me is struggling to come out, and she cares. About herself, her children, a dying chigong friend in the hospital (yea, I'm going to try to do that tomorrow. I still have faint hopes she will recover--the chi gong teacher is in China, and this sweet woman was supposed to be with her, till her cancer re-emerged. I don't know her well, only from class, but I have this need to go see her. And a memory just flashed. Put it in the basket, or share?

When I was 25 or 26, had two or three babies, can't exactly remember, a friend called and said "Let's get together for lunch". I meant to get back to her, but 4 or 5 months passed. I had that thought in the back of the mind....call "Suzy" but didn't. I finally did. Her husband told me she had passed on, died of cancer, a few weeks before. When I asked, horrified, why she hadn't TOLD me, he said "She didn't want people to 'be nice' to her because she was dying, so she just called and said "let's get together". They had already had the funeral. She'd given me a "wedding reception" for my second graders when I got married, and let me live with her one summer. And I was too busy with my life to call. I haven't thought of it in years. You think those feeling are gone, but they are just tucked away. "Feeling buried alive never die" (it's a great book)

Well, at least now I've got tears coming out. My throat hurts from trying not to cry. Wonder if heaven will bless me to sleep so I can try to go visit "Lisa". Isn't that funny, I picked a 'fake' name for the friend who died, (I have her real name "blocked" it won't come out, and that bugs me) but the 'fake name I picked is a derivitive of the chi gong friend I hope to visit.

Well, hope you don't charge for therapy sessions (teary smile). I'm catching my breath and just stopping this, try to regroup for bed.

night,
pj

ps:Edit Husband can't sleep either, and now it's 2 am. he is hurting, keeps complmenting my body, so I took time to talk. Taught him the fingerhold for insomnia. Now he KNOWS i'm not sleeping, so I have to just 'quit' and go to bed. He is trying. almost I dare to talk to him about humaworm, but he has already told me "we don't have any money this pay period" and my son doesn't have picture money tomorrow unless I wake up and give it to him. so it goes. life, struggles, stress etc. My adrenals are starting to fire : I'm thinking, yea, Unyquity, I just found out that the money is so tight this two weeks that my son isn't going to get his first 'school pictures' because we are broke. And I'm going to use the "health account" I demanded back in January and take care of MY needs, and money be 'damned' (yea, she charges me $15, and the chiropractor I'm considering would be $45) when we don't have $7.95 for the cheapest packet? Matt had to choose between money for a field trip and money for the pictures. I'm not faulting his dad, but it's just one more th ing to stir the pot. We'll see if I can remember your story
and stick it in a jar.
oh great, now my body thinks it is HUNGRY. sigh
pj
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