CureZone   Log On   Join
Image Embedded Troll
Columbine Goblinfilter Views: 4,671
Published: 18 years ago
Status:       RN [Message recommended for CureZone Newsletter!]


Are you trolling? Here is a marvelous article that can help you to determine if you are being troll like. Have fun! I sure did, as I was matching up troll names with posters. If you find that you are being a troll, hopefully you will see that what you are doing is wrong, and realize that we all know what you are doing even if you do not: begging for attention and feeding off of negative adrenaline caused by ongoing debates and conflicts. I really do feel that this is what drives a troll’s behavior.

"The Care and Feeding of Trolls"

We are all familiar with the concept of a troll - a person (or occasionally, persons) who posts topic or replies with the intent of provoking a reaction or getting attention.

Now whether we believe in them or not (or whether we're upset that the word troll is actually a corruption of 'trawl') is besides the point.

They exist, and therefore we are annoyed.

So, in the interests of scientific advancement and so that they may be better studied, tracked down, tagged, put in captivity, mistreated and eventually vivisected, I hearby institute "G.O.A.T.", the Gregarious Order for the Abolition of Trolls.

Named for the first great troll-killer, the Billy Goat Gruff, G.O.A.T. will dedicate itself to the study and 'occasional' elimination of the more obnoxious trolls - after all, if we killed them ALL off, we wouldn't have any reason to exist.

So, in the interest of 'knowing our enemy', I present a careful catalogue of Trolls currently known to the GOAT at this time. Feel free to add to the list; knowing is half the battle...

  • Common Troll (monstrum genericus): This is your common, run-of-the mill troll. Usually without very much of a theme, or a purpose, they are usually new to the game, and thus not very good at it. Often travel in packs, and scatter quickly at the sight of a moderator.
    Identifying marks: Dampness behind ears.
    Threat Rating: Chihuahua
  • Flaming Troll (monstrum pyrogenesis): This troll delights in insulting others or prolonging arguments. A particularly virulent form of troll, this kind can be very bad for community morale and spirit. Should be eliminated quickly.
    Identifying marks: Flame-retardant underwear, flamethrower, singed appearance.
    Threat Rating: Large Red Dragon
  • "Why-is-the-sky-blue?" Troll (monstrum caelum azure): This seemingly innocent creature posts questions that seem reasonable at first, but then become increasingly naive, to the point of frustration. Akin to a 3-year old answering every adult response with "Why?" Quite dangerous, since they are actually difficult to distinguish from newbies wanting to ask a legitimate question. For this reason they should be identified and smothered quietly as soon as possible.
    Identifying marks: Big, puppy-dog eyes, curly locks, lollypop in mouth.
    Threat Rating: Cute Furry White Mouse carrying the Bubonic Plague.
  • Angry Troll (monstrum irascor): This troll is uncontrollably, unreasonably angry, for no good reason. Occasionally, he is completely serious, which makes him all the more dangerous. Something has ticked him off, he ain't gonna take it anymore, and the chip on his shoulder is the size of a Sequoia. Never mention the word "padlock" around such a troll.
    Identifying marks: Foam in mouth, wide staring eyes, veins bulging in temples.
    Threat Rating: Large man with Ax.
  • Typo-Troll (monstrum idiotes): This troll evidently never quite made it past first grade. He's picked up the general gist of English spelling and grammar, but that's about it. Often types in CAPS, no paragraph seperators, little or no punctuation, and what little punctuation does exits is sprikled about randomly.
    Identifying marks: Drool, large stubby fingers, inability to locate the backspace key or edit button.
    Threat Rating: The big zombie guy from "Plan 9 From Outer Space"
  • Unholy Troll (monstrum satanicus): You know the type - the guy who would spit in the holy water font in a church, make bad Racist jokes at a party, or try to pick up the widow at a funeral. Nothing is sacred to this guy - in fact, he loves bringing out bad or taboo subjects into the open. He knows something has been discussed as being 'don't go there' territory before, but he insists on digging it up again. Apparently has never heard the idea of not discussing politics or religion in polite company.
    Identifying marks: Swastika on forehead, gun control and/or abortion slogans on shirt, political campaign buttons all over his jacket.
    Threat Rating: Howard Stern
  • Baby Troll (monstrum infantia): This troll appears to be someone who stumbled on the internet for the first time about 2 hours ago. Possessing terrible nettiquette, atrocious attitude, and absolutely clueless about where to go or what to do; this troll thrashes about wildly in an attempt to gain recognition or attention by sheer ineptness.
    Identifying marks: Bad personal hygene, crackly voice, pimply, usually male.
    Threat Rating: Bull in a China Shop
  • 733t Troll (monstrum quaXor): This troll is so absolutely sure of his prowess in (pick one) Quake/Unreal/CounterStrike/TeamFortress/Half-Life/Doom that he wants everyone to know how well he can click a mouse button. He is actually a pseudo-Troll, since they usually actually believe what they're saying. No one is better than him in his game, and all the other games suXXors in comparison to his own - and absolutely nothing will convince him otherwise.
    Indentifying marks: Very similar in appearance to Baby Trolls and Typo-Trolls- known to interbreed. Twitchy mouse hand, pale complexion, talks in incomprehensible abbreviations and constantly beats chest.
    Threat Rating: Cacodaemon
  • Potty-Mouth Troll (monstrum os foedis): This troll seems to have learned English by listening to Gansta-Rap CDs. No sentence can be constructed without a swear word or offensive language. Wonders why people slide their chairs away from him everytime he comes into a room.
    Identifying marks: Air is blue around troll. Lots of parental advisory stickers all over his body.
    Threat Rating: Eminem
  • Snipah Troll (monstrum scopus): Once thought to be confined to Unreal and Rogue Spear, populations of the dreaded Snipah troll have been seen migrating to WWIIOL forums. They believe that hiding and using a completely unrealistic weapon to kill people who are fighting a real battle some 2 km away and then running away themselves, never putting themselves in danger, is some sort of elite skill. Watched "Saving Private Ryan", "Sniper" and played "Silent Scope" one too many times.
    Identifying marks: Twitchy, squirrelly look. Trying desperately to look cool, but failing miserably.
    Threat Rating: BB Gun
  • SPR Troll (monstrum spielbergus): This troll has gleaned his idea of history from watching "Saving Private Ryan", "U-571", other WWII movies and watching the History channel. Has such a superficial knowledge of WWII that all Germans really were evil, the Allies won because of skill and quality of equipment rather than sheer numbers, and only Americans fought in Normandy.
    Identifying marks: Glassy, staring eyes, wide-mouthed belief.
    Threat Rating: Upham
  • Fan Troll (monstrum tufnellus): This troll, relatively rare, seems to only exist in certain situations. It occurs when a troll is so successful and well-known that he spawns 'copy-cat' trolls. So far, only two or three specimens have been identified.
    Identifying marks: Chameleon-like appearance, lack of any creativity.
    Threat Rating: Photocopier
  • Fifth Column Troll (monstrum occultus): A troll who apparently exists to subvert a particular group, organization or squad, often by imitiation of one who belongs to that unit or group. It makes the unit look to be so silly or stupid, that the unit is damaged or marginalized as a result.
    Identifying marks: Looks like the people they try to imitate - doppelgangerish.
    Threat Rating: Uncertain... although they often target groups which deserve to be targetted, deception in representation is always a bit reprehensible. We'll call it... Pandora's Box
  • Troll Troll (monstrum monstrumus): This type of troll is actually encouraged by GOAT. Using time-honoured trolling techniques, the troll troll actually trolls for trolls. Usually by imitation and satire, this type of troll is able to "out-Herod Herod" by being such a parody of the original troll, that they are shamed into disappearance. Given time, occasionally evolves into a Troll King.
    Identifying marks: Shifty eyes
    Threat Rating: None - these guys are on OUR side.
  • Troll King (monstrum rex): The Troll of Trolls. Not yet truely seen, though some individuals have come close. The Troll King is a Troll Troll who has transcended all Trollness and is now capable of appearing to be either a Troll, a Troll Troll, or none of the above. He has captured the very essence of Trollosity, discovered the inner Troll, and found the path to Troll-Nirvana. A magnificent creature.
    Identifying marks: Unknown
    Threat Rating: "If you meet the Buddha... kill the Buddha."
   I found this particularly interesting as a few regulars are guilty of this:

When trolls find that their efforts are being successfully resisted, they often complain that their right to free speech is being infringed. Let us examine that claim.

While most people on the Internet are ardent defenders of free speech, it is not an absolute right; there are practical limitations. For example, you may not scream out "Fire!" in a crowded theatre, and you may not make jokes about bombs while waiting to board an airplane. We accept these limitations because we recognize that they serve a greater good.

Another useful example is the control of the radio frequency spectrum. You might wish to set up a powerful radio station to broadcast your ideas, but you cannot do so without applying for a license. Again, this is a practical limitation: if everybody broadcasted without restriction, the repercussions would be annoying at best and life-threatening at worst.

The radio example is helpful for another reason: with countless people having a legitimate need to use radio communications, it is important to ensure that nobody is 'monopolizing the channel'. There are only so many clear channels available in each frequency band and these must be shared.

When a troll attacks a message board, he generally posts a lot of messages. Even if his messages are not particularly inflammatory, they can be so numerous that they drown out the regular conversations (this is known as 'flooding'). Needless to say, no one person's opinions can be allowed to monopolize a channel.

The ultimate response to the 'free speech' argument is this: while we may have the right to say more or less whatever we want, we do not have the right to say it wherever we want. You may feel strongly about the fact that your neighbour has not mowed his lawn for two months, but you do not have the right to berate him in his own living room. Similarly, if a webmaster tells a troll that he is not welcome, the troll has no "right" to remain. This is particularly true on the numerous free communications services offered on the net. (On pay systems, the troll might be justified in asking for a refund.)


Printer-friendly version of this page Email this message to a friend

This Forum message belongs to a larger discussion thread. See the complete thread below. You can reply to this message!


Donate to CureZone

CureZone Newsletter is distributed in partnership with

Contact Us - Advertise - Stats

Copyright 1999 - 2022

0.938 sec, (9)