You have been in hell! You have my sympathy.
But there is no need to go through any of that any more....
You can relax and know that you need do nothing!
"you are not a victim of the world you see!"
"You have invented all that"
"You do not know what anything is for"
"You do no perceive your own best interests"
"Nothing you see means anything!"
"You could have peace instead of this!" and above all
you are trying to make sense out of an insane world - believe me.
All this is from a book called A Course In Miracles
any bookshop will order one for you... it will probably scare you at first as it looks big -
But just calmly turn to Lesson No. One and read on for 365 days.... and all that cacophony will melt away from you. (Look it up on your Google Search )
It is NOT just another faddish cult thing - no it is not.
I cannot say more.
You will look back upon all that frantic searching you did and say
"I could have had peace instead of all that". Good reading.