well....

I think I have a memory block. I have a gap or a block in my early years. My first memory is falling down the stairs and my sisters putting a laundry basket to catch me, so I assume I fell more than once. Next memory, the baby (my little sis) crying in my room. Then there are some dog memories...and then I jump to about 4 years old. So, there is stuff that I can't remember. And I remember my siblings, and pets, and vaguely my dad, but I think I have pushed my mom out of the picture--I've got a glimpse of her, but I think my oldest sister played mom. There are a few happy memories, but much of those first years is blocked. Once I left to go stay with grandpa and grandma--everything is clear. I remember tons. So.....

I don't know if I can "find" it. I know some of the history that I can't remember--stories we sister 'told' each other. I know the sister just older than I was 'a sick child' and none of the rest of us were, or were allowed to be. I recall my third daughter, when her new sister came home, had a spell of 'whooping cough' and had to be rushed to the hospital. A couple years later she said something about 'reclaiming' the attention she needed by being sick, and I was startled. So tying that back into my own childhood, I see the same pattern--I was the fourth child, and my older sis was 'sick' and got lots of attention, running to the hospital, emergency room, etc.' and the less big thing of my third and fourth child, and what she 'admitted'--she felt insecure and wanted the attention.

Now, my third and fourth children get along MUCH better than myself and my sister. In fact, my sister who is just older than I is one of the only people I have ever felt "hatred" for. As a teen, she was a bully, rough, and downright hateful, and I hated her RIGHT back. And I was the tender soul who, at school, couldn't stand anyone not liking me, but at home, I literally hated her guts, and had a count down of her moving off to college. My life was pretty good, except for HER. She was the 'evil stepmother', without being one. My dad was a single dad, and completely unaware that sis ruled the roost, and if even thought of telling Dad the 'crap' she was pulling, she threatened to beat the crap out of us. My younger sister and I had watched our two older sister actually literally fight for who would "be in charge" and the third sister 'won' the fight, sister number two, 'the loser' refused all responsibility, and just did her own thing. Left me and my younger sister to deal with Power Sister without any protection. (The oldest sister was gone, married, and raising her own family)

The good that came out of this is raising my children I worked hard to make sure they were friends. And they are--often to the point of excluding me. But they love each other. I have a son that has 'broken my heart' once too often--they love him dearly ....and that is what I wanted. So in that respect, once again, I turned lemons into lemonaide.

I think I'll go make some. I've gone on to long. But I started out trying to figure out where the anger comes from. I can't seem to get over the block.
thanks,
pj

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