Edited

42781 and Autumn and all,

first, how are WE all doing? I've been liverflushing (bombed) and helping my son with his (semi successful-depending how you look on it) and DOING more physically, and feeling more frustrated. Like I'm okay, but in a very tenuous place....

and wondering about ya'll.

so, "Mr Number Guy",
first question you said: " I came to a realization that number one thing, before EVERYTHING ELSE, is to learn to concetrate. You've even given me enough "ammo" in your last post to strengthen that belief."

Explain please. (story time)I took the veggies out to my car yesterday morning at the flea market, came back in, walked up the aisle, and when I passed the veggie guy, asked where I'd put my sacks. He reminded me I'd already taken them out to the car. I honestly DIDN"T remember. Concentration? I'd settle for basic memory.

To be brief--I'm physically tired. And frustrated. Because I'm finally sleeping after 3 months of what few COULD have done--functioned on 2-4 hours of sleep, and stayed pleasant, and fairly together--practice makes 'perfect' --it's like the sixth insomnia 'difficulty' in 12 years--I don't keep good track.....and the point is: I'm MORE tired. I guess I've run on adrenals, herbs, good food, and chi gong--and exhaustion SCARES the heck out of me--that is USUALLY my 'signal' that I'm returning back to my Depression state--except NOT this time. But it is scary.

So, what you suggested Mr. Number guy, sounds like TM.9transendental meditation) But picture this--I'm sleeping and having nightmares, because the room I'm in (I've taken over the masterbedroom so I'm not freezing downstairs, and I have access to a bathroom--this was a major battle, and should be a major victory) hasn't been cleaned for 3 years. And after almost two weeks, I haven't made much of a dent in it. But I'm working harder than I have....feeling more overwhelmed....and falling right back into the same patterns. And looking 'selfish'.

First meeting with the marriage counselor is Thursday. And I'm starting to stress about that. I'm sure he is a great guy. I also remember this--he takes meds. I think I met with him once, like 9 years ago. And he was very nochalant about taking antidepressants. And I am not going there. Those 'easy fixes' don't work for me. So if he goes there.....I'm hosed. And I shouldn't even predict these things. The goal is to keep the marriage together. But my husband praised me for how hard I've been working (all the things HE complained about stung me, and I've made sure there has been food and dinner everynight, and worked my butt off to have the living room clean) and all that I asked for, besides inhabiting the bedroom--nothing. I had to ask if I had enough money to pay my accupunturist...and he was like...oh, I think I lost the check...yea, probably. And now he is actually happy--he is sleeping in a nice tidy room, his wife has food for him, and he doesn't know the volcano is building up. He still thinks asking "What was the best part of your day, or Did you have a good day dear" is communicating, when I'm thinking, crap, now what? I'm MORE tired....and I'm falling back into all my old patterns, except we aren't sleeping together.

Okay, so I vented. I'll try to go back and read your meditation suggetion. Have you ever shared it with your wife? Having a baby can really screw the hormones....sigh...I wish we could all have happy endings....
I'm discovering turning off the "mother worry machine" may be much harder than I thought. And it may be it is just the pj worry machine--take away all the kids and I STILL might worry....deep sigh...

Autumn, what's up? Anyone have anything to comment on? My eyesight is CRAP which really frightens me, and I'm deep down tired, although the pain is easing off....and there is fear lurking just under the surface....like I said, the 'tiredness' in the past has been a sign of returning to depression, now I realize it was normal--backlash from the months of not sleeping, but it still is a pattern that must be broken, and the order thing, and relationship things, are getting to me. I'm nursing a hurt cat, and still trying to DO for my husband to prove my worth and value, and I drive myself crazy.

And the key is to concentrate? I forget what I walk into a room for. Now, if you mean,(number guy) be PRESENT? That's one of my 'issues'. I'm often in the past or in the future, and I very much recognize I'm happiest when I can just be in the present, and I'm working on that. It is a struggle. That and worrying are two of my issues.

If this sounds rough, and a bit 'bitter', hey, it's a combination of things. I 'slept' and woke up exhausted. That scares the crap out of me. So maybe I'll bag the morning, or maybe not. And I hate sounding grumpy. I'll shake it off, hopefully.

pj

ps. I shook it off, and then got PISSED. He agreed to pay someone $250 to help repair a car, even though my daughter said she did NOT hit it; the people noticed a scratch a week later, and said it 'must have been her' because she was parked so close to them. It was at church so he is trying to keep the peace. It won't work--they wanted a thousand, daughter(new driver) is troubled, because having never hit a car, isn't sure if she would have noticed hitting it (she would have). But she said, "But she(the adult youth leader) wouldn't have said I hit her if I didn't; would she? This is church and she is an adult. So maybe I did". Oh, I am not a happy camper. Money isn't the only issue. The whole thing got to me. And it is going to make church uncomfortable for me--I opted to let my husband handle it; but there is no way the child could hit and scratch a car that badly without noticing. And she is a good kid (other than saying, "Well, if I did it, we'll pay for it". Aggg....and the husband is my son's scout leader....they aren't happy--they said she admitted guilt (I'm angry two adults sat down with MY teen and told her she had hit their car a WEEK previous....and she was so intimidated and inexperienced, she said, "I don't think I did. But if YOU are sure, then I guess I did." A couple folks went out and looked and said, "nope. didn't happen" --my mother's instinct are--it didn't. The lady backed out first--if she was that worried, she would have checked her car the next day.

It doesn't really matter--it's just one more stress and lack of communication I didn't need. If my husband hadn't already written them a check....hey...and guess who doesn't know if she has enough to pay the accupunturist this week? Oh, I hope I sleep well tonight. Or I may blow. Not communicating sucks. I did at least express my feelings that no one was looking out for the teen--two adults should have known better than to sit her down without any adults present, and put that kind of pressure on her.

She has to pay her dad back the $250--in work around the house. She wasn't thrilled. I said it would teach her to never park so close again that someone could even THINK she had scratched their car, and that she'd better learn that all adult perceptions are not to be accepted as true, just because they have been your camp director or whatever. ("but she loves me, say's my teen. Why would she say it if it weren't true?") Boy has she got a lot to learn. I may have protected her too much.

thanks for letting me vent
pj

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