flylady question...

I went to the site...quickly glanced, saw "Deseret News" and left abruptly. sigh. I'll go back soon...but I'm exhausted, and visions of Patty Perfect and Molly Mormon just ran through my head. I love my faith, but I don't "fit" (I once had someone at church ask me "you lived in Utah and you don't know how to preserve strawberry jam?!!!) Yea, like having an alcholic mother and being raised by my dad would all just be washed away cause I lived in Utah and was LDS?

For years I thought "cleanliness is next to Godliness" was SCRIPTURE...and I beat myself to a pulp over the fact I wanted so much to have a rich spirtiual life, but if that were true, then I was a failure...and then my chemistry changes. In fact, if was AFTER going back to Utah and visiting (1994)while I WAS 'well" that I crashed the hardest.....I noticed EVERYONE i met had a nicer home than I. Now, keep in mind in 26 years of marriage I've only bought 2 new pieces of furniture. My son uses the dresser I used as a child (and it was NOT a good piece of furniture) and I use my college dresser still. My husband hasn't been real financially supportive in this area, yet bemoans that he doesn't have a "nice" home. I asked him when we were still almost newly weds if I could buy a rolltop desk to cover my disorder with paper (I still had my mind, I could find things in a stack--creative clutter) and he said "No". It was an unfinished one from DI and we had a little extra money. He's been saying NO for years...nothing over the toilet to hold towels, no this, no that....I'm pissed off with what I've put up with....

anyway, I'll go back to flylady Autumn, if you think I should, but maybe I'd better give it a couple weeks. My eyesight has gotten so horrible from so much insomnia and tears, that even the screem is blurry. Oh, or am I crying again? I'm just about ready to snap....guess I'll go hit the tub.(hey, I just realized, that's better than "hitting the bottle" "hitting the kids" or "hitting my husband'. There is only one I even fantasize about doing, and it's not the first two.

later,
PJ
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