wasn't going to write but did...

wish I could erase my problems as easily as these messages.
If I wasn't so damn considerate of my family and our finances, I'd check into a hotel and rest; or buy a plane ticket, or SOMETHING.

Instead I bought earplugs and a sleep cd. I don't have a cd player, but the dvd plays them. I promised I could hold on for 8 years. tonight I don't possibly see how. I worry too much about everyone....and no one worries about me. I can't check into a sleep clinic $, my husband "gave" our grown daughters money for eyeglasses, but hey, looks like there might not be enough for me to keep going to the accupuncturist. She do it for nothing, because she cares BUT IT ISN"T FAIR--not to her, not to me. HE DIDN"T EVEN ASK. HE gave my grown son a cd/dvd stereo system, WHEN WE DON"T EVEN OWN A WORKING ONE. I have NEVER bought a NEW piece of furniture except for our bed 25 years ago--everything else has been second hand....

I am SO PISSES OFF< HURT AND ANGRY, and my body is screaming in pain (the accupunctuist is out of town, and I'm out of resoursces, the well is dry, and I'm ready to break.) I took off in anger when I heard about the glasses, and my daughter looked at me like I was the witch of the west .....she's done well...finishing college without major debt (living at home now for her last semester cause she's out of money). But the whole thing is still skewed. My husband cares more for our children than for me. He doesn't put them before HIS needs too often, but before mine--seems like that's pretty common...maybe it's that tangible thing-- Depression isn't REAL, vision problems are. At least to him.

goodnight.
happy new year. maybe if I can get some sleep I'll feel better. And he'll never know I didn't even want to be home. My spleen area is going nuts. I'd better let it go.
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