Oopps...

Can I do this?
Yes I can.
I'm the little
butterfly woman.

I can't do this
my heart cries
He has stomped too often
the butterfly

I don't know. The car was so nice....but the kid was in to it $5300, and couldn't go down to $4500. And we don't spend that much for cars, even if the mom might have some peace of mind. So I told him,(hubby) I felt like I wasn't worth much too him, how all my years of finding the great deals only ended up with me being expected to create miracles, of how I FELT like the kids were more important....this was after I told him msybe we could spend $5000 (it would go on the home equity) and he'd said we weren't looking to spend that much. I told him it would be nice if he would ever reassure me that things WOULD work out....that I always FELT by his concern over money when it came to my needs that I was a "two cow woman" rather than a "ten cow woman". I shared my FEELINGS. and he hates that.He only heard that he doesn't make enough, he doesn't provide enough, he's not good enough. so he yelled, told me to go buy any damn car I wanted. I smiled when I went past the Kia lot. and....

So, no car.
Worse, I didn't get my poems done at Kinkos. The real tradgedy is that. I didn't get my "healthy" items made--bath salts, essential sprays, health baskets. I failed. I didn't get to where I needed/wanted to be. It's Christmas eve and I wish it wasn't so cold and that I could get in the car and just leave. sad, huh? And my kids heard it all, because I just couldn't hold it in....this time.

Convince me please I haven't failed. Because that is a "death sentence" for me--it changes my brain chemistry usually. And I do what he has been waiting for me to do--go back to depression, disappear, be kind, be quiet, and be....not me. I love Madeline L'Engle's books(Wrinkle In Time series)....the echthroid ? are trying to get me and x me....little smile...there is still some memory left.

I know where peace comes from. Now we'll see how deep I am.
pj

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