haul out the holly.....

they are off to get the tree....daughter number 2 arrived home Tuesday nite. 3;30 in the a.m. she is cleaning the kitchen and I get up and help her tidy 'my stuff'. At least shrink it down to a reasonable pile. I help till about 4:30 am (she's in from college in Hawaii, still on their time)...she goes to bed, and I go to ....try to sleep. I really thought I would. But I didn't....you asked about my support and schedule....


My support: accupuncturist gives me treatment every Tuesday to help relieve pain, and ehlp with sleep, although there is not a specific treatment in chinese medicine for insomnia. she says I have weak kidney and liver chi, weak...etc....I can't even remember...but whenevershe works on me, my pulses come "up" and my tongue (liver) keeps showing improvement--I am more creative, and TRYING to take back my power. That is "in town" which I do on Tuesdays, and I usually do medical chi gong. Chi gong was cancelled this Tuesday due to holidays I guess, and I did something I've never done before. There is a beebop club that swing dances on Tuesdays, and off I went. Nice people, especially if you leave before 9 pm.(that's what THEY told ME quieter group is before nine, wilder after...so I went dancing. I let go of the guilt and had fun. The first guy who I danced with was 75, the next maybe 74. I had a great time. I'm a beginner, but I NEEDED TO DANCE. My husband takes me once a year; he doesn't iike dancing.

Ah, they came home FAST. This is the first year I haven't gone with them tree picking--many years I did it without my hubby, but it is interesting....where I'm 'backing off' he is stepping up.

Anyhow, my children, small and adult, are great kids. I've been a wonderful mother--but I dedicated everything to raising them, and lost myself and my marriage in the process. I wanted them to be "better" than me, and didn't ask them to think and consider me as important...and my husband was an only child and his single mom's "friend"....so he never saw any need to keep them for overwhelming me....or downright being disrespectful...and I kept waiting for him to 'protect' me. So now we have a 'turf war'. Mom's trying to say, to husband and children, "hey, this is MY home, and I have a say here, as well as "I deserve to be treated with respect". Not a good time....and they are NOT pleased (older ones) that I have taken over the downstairs couch and TV room as my sleeping quarters. There just isn't any other place. They haven't voiced it, but they have just enough respect to not push it too far...it's kind of a "Mom and her problems" whisper.

We all love each other...just the 20 and 22 year old, and a little bit the 17 year old are at that stage where they know everything...this may sound funny, but they are very righteous children....really...I have one who hasn't missed reading her scriptures daily for almost 2 years...that's great....but she also doesn't know how to listen to her body....or can ignore it like her mom ignored hers for years....they are amazing children....bright, competent, and we LOOK like the perfect family...there is not drinking, no smoking, not even any drugs. There is lots of game playing....etc. One of my goals raising my kids was that they would LIKE each other, and I put great emphasis on that. It worked. They really do care for each other. I was successful in that. But I never made it important that they honor their mom....because I guess I didn't. I don't know. I'm sure it wasn't fun to have a mom that would be active...and then disappear for long stretches into depression....somehow I would always manage to come out to help them out of a crisis situation, (exhaust myself, I now understand) and then return back to that bleak world. Or maybe the crisis would pile up and I would go into the deep depressions so my body could shut down and deal with emotional and physical overload.

Anyhow, maybe that gives you a bit more of the puzzle. I was a child poet, and my gift of writing wasn't ever made important, even when I shared with my husband that I felt I had a 'calling' to be a poet (I won't even tell you his response--you'd want to wring his neck, and I think I'm finally /almost free of the fact he CAN"T support me in my talent/dream--and that doesn't mean I still have to follow that.

If I got into how his NOT listening to my intuition cost me being locked up in a psych ward and traumitized there, it gets clearer why there are trust issues in the marriage. Then add not enough money, and no communication on his part (yea, I did all the sharing too, keeping him up on everything, and having to drag out any info....I go for months quiet, then he'd 'listen' and I'd bubble up like a volcano....I talked and shared TOO much, and he doesn't/didn't share with out me dragging it out of him....and that is old now. If he doesn't want to be intimate emotionally, then I no longer want to be intimate physically....and for some reason, which I kind of understand, I'm doing what I have to to survive and stay out of Depression right now.

My kids, husband, etc would NOT be pleased if they knew I shared all this....and if they happen to find it....oh well. This is your "MOM". Hard to believe, probably, that she has frustrations, desires, feelings...maybe. I didn't have a mom, so I only can intuit what it must be like. But I always thought my children were lucky to have such a dedicated, caring, involved Mom....at least the first 12 years, and then she did the best she could the second. sigh....

Okay, that's enough gut sharing for now. On Christmas eve the last adult child will come home....my oldest son. He is "ANGRY" and touchy, and may or may not bring his girlfriend...may or may not be touchy....may or may not bring presents (never has except for his littlest brother) but boy, if he gets less than the others, he notices. I realize now he is angry at himself, and just takes it out on me, but somehow I"M responsible for his life not being what it could be. (He went to college on full ride, national merit if that means anything to y'all, and he flunked out, although he knew full well he had 4 younger siblings, and I do without nice cars, furniture, everything....we spend it ALL on the kids (I don't work)....anyway, he resents us? not having money, or more likely, himself for being so foolish as to blow it and make his life so hard. He has to find his own way,and I'm better at realizing that now.Last year he didn't like one of my presents and he stuck it behind something. This year the evil imp in my is tempted to wrap it up and give it back again --it was a book "Patient Heal Thyself" with the skinny guy on the cover.....he didn't appreciate it, but didn't SAY it.....smile....this year all he gets from me is a copy of a poem or two....that's all any of them are getting, plus some 'healthy' things....if I even get to that.

I REALLY didn't do what I've done for the past years....didn't buy at the thrift stores, make sure there were lots of little inexpensive presents, make sure everything was equal--I just gave it all pretty much to my husband (okay, I made sure the little guy had a gift from Santa). Usually I go out with him and do it in a one day push, and I don't want to spend the money or the energy....don't have EITHER.

I've made this too long. I'll end here.
peace and joy, I find it, I lose it, I'll find it again.
Pj

Tweet