Round 1: I lost ;-)

Dang, I let him pull me into a battle this am. gave up an hour of meditation, and gained NO ground at all.

My time would have been better spent on the internet, but he knocked me off that by calling, and I keep thinking I can teach or help him, and just end up FRUSTRATED AS HELL (can I say that? I'm regressing to 'potty mouth' words....much to his dismay. His mother was so 'shocked' that I used the word "fart". I know I talk about things like enemas, and constipation, and tell him he is full of ....sigh....

Okay, let it go. It hurts. I let him engage me AGAIN. I feel so STUPID. So now, I either read one of your sites or go down and breathe with my dvd....or give in to the headache/stomachache that is trying to start.

Maybe I should be hopeful that "something" I said will get to his heart. I hung up after he said he was going to start keeping a list of all the 'mean' things I say to him. And all this was because I tried to explain my "assignment" not to be hurt by anything he says or does. STUPID STUPID STUPID. And getting angry at myself won't help either. Crap. And add to that my 17 year old 'collapsed" after her big assignment and is home sick....and he was giving her rootbeer and icecream two nights ago, and thinks my 'health' gripes are nonsense....and I never even told him how frustrated I was about the icecream and rootbeer....you know what....I need to do something aggressive and non hurtful.....hmmm....just a minutes....well, that's worth a smile....I was going to dump his rootbeer down the drain, but it was all gone. He is scheduled for a root canal at the end of January, and I found out how we could avert that yesterday (on an Andreas phone conversation) and now I have to decide if and when I'll feel strong enough to try to 'share' with him this info, and if he will just blow me off or what....

I'm sorry I'm so 'off balance'....I know better than starting my day like this. With all that I have to deal with....when am I going to learn to 'take care of Paula, Paula's success in mortality is not dependant on how R....percieves her...." and my favorite (aren't i blessed to have a support group here, and a counselor as well)this is the one I struggle the hardest to accept but I am SO close to accepting "PJ is wonderful. She deserves to be happy".

For anyone reading this, just insert your own name in the blanks. _____ is wonderful. She/he DESERVES to be happy. Then try it first person...........
I am wonderful. I deserve to be happy.

I think I'll go lay down for a couple minutes. Thanks for letting me 'vent'.
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