Re: Hey!

Paulette,
I have more to do, and give, and help, than I can!

And my husband is a great guy, a lousy husband, but a great guy. He was headed down to help--for three weeks, he arranged his schedule, and finally, the group went, and he couldn't arrange it any more. But he was ready and willing to go down and cut trees and camp out, etc. He has a GREAT heart. And he is a GOOD dad. I honor for those things.

But, (I'm wearing the towel at this very moment; can't throw it) He likes me better depressed than undepressed.(hey, my counselor told me that....and could support it. I find it very hard to accept and believe, but I understnad) And I am NOT GOING BACK there. My survival mechanism has finally clicked in....I can NOT die (spiritually and emotionally) again. My heart CAN"T shut down again....you know, when in deep depression, I would think of people and the terrible things they were going through....and the fact that I had so much....but felt nothing. Depression IS hell. Frozen hearts, broken hearts, cold hearts....you know what is valuable when you have lost you 'things'. And it isn't 'things'....it's people and relationships...and self....and God....etc.

So, I hope my marriage survives--two good people. One on a healing path, one that better figure it out, or the paths won't last past seven years. But I intend to be so beautiful(inside), together, compassionate, creative, and HAPPY, that I can survive and be content with or without him. I'd rather it be with him, but HE has to make choices too. I think I finally accept that I can't change,fix, or 'save' him. I have sacrificed TOO much for my family--I gave up my dreams and my essense. Now I have to be who I am meant to be, do what I am 'called' to do....and it could be fun, if he wants to come along. But NO MORE STOMPING MY DREAMS....hopes, feelings. He doesn't even have to love me. Just respect and honor who I am. And hopefully I will come to respect him more, although at this time, I don't trust him. He has lost that. Too much hurt; too much emotional pain. I know, it's from what he hasn't healed. But that doesn't lessen it. He can't be trusted unless HE changes. And that is his decision. It's lonely, but I am so blessed with friends that do care. I just keep wanting him to be one of them.

Ouch, I'm hurting in the spleen/pancreas area. I guess I'd better get more positive....emotions are SO toxic....or so uplifting. And I am going to have a blessed, beautiful day.

Back to the tub...
pj
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