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In Too Deep? The Long Version.
 
tiredlove Views: 974
Published: 20 y
 

In Too Deep? The Long Version.


So i've always been the one who did everything right. not every "little" thing but everything that counts. I grew up hard but came out of it with good perspective on life (optimistic). When i was able to get out on my own I moved from the midwest to NYC to persue my dreams or at least an interesting existance. I've succeeded {reasonably} in what most would consider a cool profession. I'm still young and have never had a problem dating. I'm honest and caring, edgy but together, artistic and enlightened. So good so far.

Ten years ago when i first moved to the city I was fresh and green. I dated a few women until I met this one awesome girl and fell in love. I presented myself as a bit more experienced with relationships than i was. She presented herself as a bit less experienced than she was. Typical boy girl games. I'm liberal so I realize that people {everyone} has a past and I never had a problem with holding someone accountable for decisions that didnt involve me.

Things were rolling along with my girl and I. We had been dating for just about 5 months until she started pushing the issue of living together. I didn't necessarily feel like it was the best idea, but for a 20 year old with the prospect of a sexy 22 year old girlfriend around everyday, I gave in. It was great and I began falling in love even more. We talked marriage and kids and the future. She kept telling me of all of these things being "firsts" with her, so naturally it made me feel our relationship was the best thing that ever happened to either of us.

As time went on and we started to get into the nuts and bolts of things, she became very jealous of any relationship I had with other girls. I've worked for years in a profession dominated by women. I tried to ease her mind on things but it didn't work out. I cared and understood how she felt about things so pulled away more and more from my female friends. It became more of just her and I, but I was ok with that because I really felt that the kind of love she was offering me was all I needed.

She was from a suburb of the city and still had a lot of friends that she grew up with. Even though we were living together and I had met her family and some friends, I wasnt really asked to come along when she went to visit on the weekends (she was in school at the time). I didn't care because it gave me some much needed personal time. But as time went on, things started to feel very strange.

I knew her ex worked for her dad. That kind of erked me since her father never really acknowledged me. He was nice to me, but I was offended that i never got a job offer(petty but its how i felt)not that i would have accepted it. She assured me that it was no big deal and i believed her. But because she didn't want me to befriend the women I worked every day, i figured she'd be following the same guidelines. Not so. Her rational for being able to keep her old friends was that they were friends that already existed. So somehow making new friends of the opposite sex was not right, but keeping ties with ex's and old guy friends is no problem. Now, I may be from the country, but i wasnt buying that *%#&¤?§* and told her you cant have it both ways. She agreed but I could tell it was in a damage control kind of way.

Enter the new me. The paranoid investigator. I just knew something was up. I started the process of combing through our apartment and bills. To my disgust i find what I was looking for. First, a picture of him in her dresser (disturbing). Next, phone bills with his number. Finally, my investigation turned into an invasion of privacy and her journal was open game. I found a weeping mess of a woman crying over the unbearable loss of her ex and the agony of this man being a part of her life with respect to working with her father. The dates were current, I was STUNNED.

I moved out. She began the process of crying for me. Painful attempts to get back together were thwarted by my distrust in her. She explained the picture as an accident, the phone bill as trying to call his sister, and the journal entries as my fault for looking. I wasnt buying it. I knew my limits with her. As far as I was concerned the possiblity of a future with her was over. I began the process of treating her like *%#&¤?§*. She never seemed to love me more. I kept her at bay but took what I wanted from her. sex. Like clockwork for the next few years.

Over the next several years I/ we kept the pace. I dated other women and she came in every other weekend or so. Perfect having your cake and eating it too situation. Most of the women I dated were my former work friends that were all too interested in my recovery. I had more in common with them than I did with the woman who broke my heart. But over those years, I just never really gave any of them a proper chance. Maybe out of fear? Maybe I was still in love?

I began to feel guilty for stringing her along. I knew I didn't want marriage or kids with her anymore. She had too much baggage. But we were still really good friends and I started to have a problem with what I felt I was doing to her. Her persistance with me during our weekend encounters started to effect me. I began to feel the same kind of feelings that I had when we first met. I started to look at how getting over someone may be a more painful and drawn out process than I was willing to admit. I began to understand how she may have struggled getting over her ex, expecially since most people don't have the misfortune of their past working with their father.

It became easier for me to forgive her. So I did. I told her that I was ready to move forward again. That being exclusive was an option again. SHOCKER..... She wasnt ready?! ok. So I walked away again. This time I gave her nothing. No phone, no email no me.

Almost a year later, my phone rings. Its her? Why? I dont call back. A week later, an IM from her. I reply but am short with her. Another week, another phone call. Shes in town wants to have a drink. I dont bite. Next week, same thing... Whats up? She wants in again. I become the biggest dick ever. She pays for everything, she initiates everything, i respond when I want to, I barely consider her. I get joy out of treating this girl bad. It's a shame because she's the only girl I have ever loved.

But, who's got who? At this point its going on 8 years since I first met her, 7 since we lived together, we know each other so well. She appologises on occasion and says how stupid she was to have been hung up on her ex and how it was really over with him and that it was me she really wanted despite what I saw back then. She says there are no more feelings for this guy. I'm much more skeptical now. My actions are not as mean to her but I take a more agressive roll enforcing my rules of whats acceptable.

This last year we've been dating exclusively. I still don't know her father that well but went on vacation with him and have put in more time with her family than I was every invited to before. Her ex still works with her dad but I figure it's been so long and she's said so much to ease my mind. Dont get me wrong, I hate it, It boils inside me just thinking of it. But things have changed. She starts pushing the idea of us moving in together. She begins to pull out the ultimatum of now or never. As weary as I am about it, I cant help but think of how much I don't want to regret passing up the chance of being with the only girl I ever loved.

Suddenly something happens that changes everything. She's pregnant. I cry for the first time since I was a little kid and they're not tears of joy. Insomnia, nausia, shaking plague me. I dont let her see any of it. I love her. I tell her it's going to be ok even though i don't feel that way. I go through the motions agreeing, saying things that I don't feel, trying to be there for her. She says we have to get married I say ok. We start telling family and some friends. I remain dazed. For the first time since childhood, elements of my life are not in my control.

I move in with her. Away from the support of my friends in the city and square in the middle of where she grew up. Everyone she knew is still around. Her past is so entertwined with her present. Her ex still works with her Dad. Her friends all like me and i get the feeling they're sympathetic towards me. Her family members side with me during arguements. She's got a rep for being difficult (if you didnt get that already). I'm a breath of fresh air to them. Everyone she knows is so happy that she's marrying me. I begin to release my fears and trust her again. But.....

Given what happened with us in the past I have a moment of paranoia. She's not going to be home for a while, the investigator in me comes out in full swing. Like a forensic scientist i go through it all. And what I find this time puts everything else to shame. This place is a museum of her ex. A shrine to this man. Photographs, journals, letters, everything is connected to him. I read everything. Over the past several years that she's been selling me this line of *%#&¤?§* about how I was the only one she wanted, she's either been dating or mourning not being with this guy.

I realize i was dating other people too, but not the one person that got in the way of it all! None of those journals mention me as the person she wants long term, its him!? And a couple of other guys that I never knew about. They make the books and I don't? The one ex in particular is all she wrote about. Some pages full of one line written 50 times, "Im over him i swear, I'll be ok". She confides in her journal that every time she sees him when she goes to her dads company, it tears her apart. She writes how he was her one true love.

I'm having a child with this woman and my wedding is a month away. I've never felt the way i do now. I'm empty, tired. Every second that ticks by i get more numb. I dont know what to do other than to just go forward.

Is this life?
Does not everyone get the chance to be happy?
Is this normal?
Can things work out?
Could she really love me?
Could she really ever love me more than him?
Can you have a sucessful relationship with someone if you're not their one true love?
Is there a God?

This is my life.

Tiredlove
©†ƒ……•™¼‡_Original_Message_¾€š½ž¢«»¬ï°©

So i've always been the one who did everything right. not every "little" thing but everything that counts. I grew up hard but came out of it with good perspective on life (optimistic). When i was able to get out on my own I moved from the midwest to NYC to persue my dreams or at least an interesting existance. I've succeeded {reasonably} in what most would consider a cool profession. I'm still young and have never had a problem dating. I'm honest and caring, edgy but together, artistic and enlightened. So good so far.

Ten years ago when i first moved to the city I was fresh and green. I dated a few women until I met this one awesome girl and fell in love. I presented myself as a bit more experienced with relationships than i was. She presented herself as a bit less experienced than she was. Typical boy girl games. I'm liberal so I realize that people {everyone} has a past and I never had a problem holding someone accountable for decisions that didnt involve me.

Things were rolling along with my girl and I. We had been dating for just about 5 months until she started pushing the issue of living together. I didn't necessarily feel like it was the best idea, but for a 20 year old with the prospect of a sexy 22 year old girlfriend around everyday, I gave in. It was great and I began falling in love even more. We talked marriage and kids and the future. She kept telling me of all of these things being "firsts" with her, so naturally it made me feel our relationship was the best thing that ever happened to either of us.

As time went on and we started to get into the nuts and bolts of things, she became very jealous of any relationship I had with other girls. I've worked for years in a profession dominated by women. I tried to ease her mind on things but it didn't work out. I cared and understood how she felt about things so pulled away more and more from my female friends. It became more of just her and I, but I was ok with that because I really felt that the kind of love she was offering me was all I needed.

She was from a suburb of the city and still had a lot of friends that she grew up with. Even though we were living together and I had met her family and some friends, I wasnt really asked to come along when she went to visit on the weekends (she was in school at the time). I didn't care because it gave me some much needed personal time. But as time went on, things started to feel very strange.

I knew her ex worked for her dad. That kind of erked me since her father never really acknowledged me. He was nice to me, but was offended that i never got a job offer(petty but its how i felt)not that i would have accepted it. She assured me that it was no big deal and i believed her. But because of her not wanting me to befriend the women I worked daily with, i figured she'd be following the same guidelines. Not so. Her rational for being able to keep her old friends was that they were friends that already existed. So somehow making new friends of the opposite sex was not right, but keeping ties with ex's and old guy friends is no problem. Now, I may be from the country, but i wasnt buying that *%#&¤?§* and told her you cant have it both ways. She agreed but I could tell it was in a damage control kind of way.

Enter the new me. The paranoid investigator. I just knew something was up. I started the process of combing through our apartment and bills. To my disgust i find what I was looking for. First, a picture of him in her dresser (disturbing). Next, phone bills with his number. Finally, my investigation turned into an invasion of privacy and her journal was open game. I found a weeping mess of a woman crying over the unbearable loss of her ex and the agony of this man being a part of her life with respect to working with her father. The dates were current, I was STUNNED.

I moved out. She began the process of crying for me. Painful attempts to get back together were thwarted by my distrust in her. She explained the picture as an accident, the phone bill as trying to call his sister, and the journal entrys as my fault for looking. I wasnt buying it. I knew my limits with her. As far as I was concerned the possiblity of a future with her was over. I began the process of treating her like *%#&¤?§*. She never seemed to love me more. I kept her at bay but took what I wanted from her. sex. Like clockwork for the next few years.

Over the next several years I we kept the pace. I dated other women and she came in every other weekend or so. Perfect having your cake and eating it too situation. Most of the women I dated were my former work friends that were all too interested in my recovery. I had more in common with them than I did with the woman who broke my heart. But over those years, I just never really gave any of them a proper chance. Maybe out of fear? Maybe I was still in love?

I began to feel guilty for stringing her along. I knew I didn't want marriage or kids with her anymore. She had too much baggage. But we were still really good friends and I started to have a problem with what I felt I was doing to her. Her persistance with me during our weekend encounters started to effect me. I began to feel the same kind of feelings that I had when we first met. I started to look at how getting over someone may be a more painful and drawn out process than I was willing to admit. I began to understand how she may have struggled getting over her ex, expecially since most people don't have the misfortune of ther past working with their father.

It became easier for me to forgive her. So I did. I told her that I was ready to move forward again. That being exclusive was an option again. SHOCKER..... She wasnt ready?! ok. So I walked away again. This time I gave her nothing. No phone, no email no me.

Almost a year later, my phone rings. Its her? Why? I dont call back. A week later, an IM from her. I reply but am short with her. Another week, another phone call. Shes in town wants to have a drink. I dont bite. Next week, same thing... Whats up? She wants in again. I become the biggest dick ever. She pays for everything, she initiates everything, i respond when I want to, I barely consider her. I get joy out of treating this girl bad. It's a shame because she's the only girl I have ever loved.

But, who's got who? At this point its going on 8 years since I first met her, 7 since we lived together, we know each other so well. She appologises on occasion and says how stupid she was to have been hung up on her ex and how it was really over with him and that it was me she really wanted despite what I saw back then. She says there are no more feelings for this guy. I'm much more skeptical now. My actions are not as mean to her but I take a more agressive roll enforcing my rules of whats acceptable.

This last year we've been dating exclusively. I still don't know her father that well but went on vacation with him and have put in more time with her family than I was every invited to before. Her ex still works with her dad but I figure it's been so long and she's said so much to ease my mind. Dont get me wrong, I hate it, It boils inside me just thinking of it. But things have changed. She starts pushing the idea of us moving in together. She begins to pull out the ultimatum of now or never. As weary as I am about it, I cant help but think of how much I don't want to regret passing up the chance of being with the only girl I ever loved.

Suddenly something happens that changes everything. She's pregnant. I cry for the first time since I was a little kid and they're not tears of joy. Insomnia, nausia, shaking plague me. I dont let her see any of it. I love her. I tell her it's going to be ok even though i don't feel that way. I go through the motions agreeing, saying things that I don't feel, trying to be there for her. She says we have to get married I say ok. We start telling family and some friends. I remain dazed. For the first time since childhood, elements of my life are not in my control.

I move in with her. Away from the support of my friends in the city and square in the middle of where she grew up. Everyone she knew is still around. Her past is so entertwined with her present. Her ex still works with her Dad. Her friends all like me and i get the feeling they're sympathetic towards me. Her family members side with me during arguements. She's got a rep for being difficult (if you didnt get that already). I'm a breath of fresh air to them. Everyone she knows is so happy that she's marrying me. I begin to release my fears and trust her again. But.....

Given what happened with us in the past I have a moment of paranoia. She's not going to be home for a while, the investigator in me comes out in full swing. Like a forensic scientist i go through it all. And what I find this time puts everything else to shame. This place is a museum of her ex. A shrine to this man. Photographs, journals, letters, everything is connected to him. I read everything. Over the past several years that she's been selling me this line of *%#&¤?§* about how I was the only one she wanted, she's either been dating or mourning not being with this guy.

I realize i was dating other people too, but not the one person that got in the way of it all! None of those journals mention me as the person she wants long term, its him!? And a couple of other guys that I never knew about. They make the books and I don't? The one ex in particular is all she wrote about. Some pages full of one line written 50 times, "Im over him i swear, I'll be ok". She confides in her journal that every time she sees him when she goes to her dads company, it tears her apart. She writes how he was her one true love.

I'm having a child with this woman and my wedding is a month away. I've never felt the way i do now. I'm empty, tired. Every secon that ticks by i get more numb. I dont know what to do other than to just go forward.

Is this life?
Does not everyone get the chance to be happy?
Is this normal?
Can things work out?
Could she really love me?
Could she really ever love me more than him?
Can you have a sucessful relationship with someone if you're not their one true love?
Is there a God?

This is my life.

Tiredlove
 

 
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