Re: Help!
Hi
#1 is unfair to all of us.
#2 at the very least I have way too much baggage. The friendship/business-relationship would fall to pieces. I have already come to the conclusion that it is not a choice.
#3 Kids ages: 18 and headed to college in Fall 05 - 15 College 3 years.
#4 Rather than waiting - begin the process of ending the marriage. Step 1 document the violence issues. Step 2 begin counseling. Step 3 seek legal counsel.
I have felt that I am wasting my life (when it comes to the relationship/marriage) for many years yet I have also felt that the sacrifice for my children was worth it. I have felt that I am living in a lonely shell. It is only in the past 11/2 years that I have been able to begin to take care of myself and break out of that shell. I have felt guilty that these problems were entirely fault. Much of this I believe is because of the control that she has forced on me.
Since I began changing my life I have also began teaching the children about the inappropriate behaviors that they have experienced and ways to cope with them. I have taught them things such as:
1. That they can love her even if they hate the actions that they see in her.
2. It is important to respect her; she is still their mother.
3. To talk with each other, myself, and counselors about their feelings, worries, and concerns.
4. I have made mistakes in the past and that I am trying to correct them.
5. Even though she has not shown me respect I will continue to respect her.
6. Respect and control are two very different things.
7. If someone is abusive to you do not be abusive back.
8. Pay attention to their own relationships and make certain that no one is abusing them.
9. Value them-selves enough to not allow these things to happen to them.
And so much more, it is difficult to put it all into words. And I have so much more to teach them.
Is the marriage over? Lets see.
Some days she is the nicest person in the world and other days she is a monster.
Communication – Each morning I give her a hug, kiss, and say “good morning” Her response “What’s so good about it?” I express my viewpoint on an issue she criticizes my ideas. I cannot think of a time that she has provided words of support for anything that I do or say. When I attempt to discuss the issues, and my worries, and concerns with her and she becomes defensive and she blames me for the problems.
Do we spend time together? – For years I have invited her to social events that I go to and she has no interest. Community events no interest. Work related parties – I invite her she won’t go. School issues – I deal with the teachers, kids successes and problems. Going out for meals – we don’t talk – she won’t look at me. We might as well be in different rooms.
What interests/things does she do that I could be part of? Lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling, Watch her play computer games, Watch TV with her, Listen to how she has no friends, interests, and wishes that she was dead.
Are we friends? She has made it clear to me that she does not consider me to be her Best Friend nor her friend at all!
Do I love her? As a brother would his sister yes, a husband his wife no. How long have I felt this way and is the friend influencing these feelings? I have felt this much much longer than I ever knew my friend.
Who is to blame if you need someone to blame? Us.
You noticed that I titled this discussion Worried and Confused.
Worried for my Children. Confused about the Friendship I never planned or wanted to become so attached to another person – it just happened.
Yes I would like to spend intimate time with my friend. Unfortunately the timing stinks! What does the friendship hold in the future? Regretfully only time will tell.
Am I crying right now? Yes! – Oh Well.
Thanks everyone talking to you guys has helped me put everything in perspective and I needed to talk to someone.