Dear Survivor, thank you very much for your advice. I always knew that getting out of this mess was the right thing to do but there's such a huge difference between knowing what's best and actually having the strength to do exactly that...
The really sick part is that I'm NOT living in an illusion...I know exactly what's going on and that he will never change and that I put a lot more effort and strength in this relationship than he does. I know that even if we decided to give an "official relationsip" a try, I could never trust him and I would never be the only woman in his life. And still I can't let go and I just don't understand why a sensible, independent and sophisticated woman (that would be me :-)) would want to put herself through something so painful, KNOWING that the pain won't end.
I have to say one thing, you really helped me with making me see that his actions speak for him, not his words. I mean, I knew that before, but I always made excuses for him..."he's from such a different background and that's just his way of dealing with things" "I should be more tolerant and accept him the way he is" etc. etc. But when I look back on how he's been behaving, sometimes I thought he really must be hating me, because not even to my worst enemy would I do stuff that he is doing to me. And still he doesn't understand how I can get mad with him. His way of dealing with my criticism is hanging up the phone and avoiding me until I calmed down.
I'm not seeing him at the moment because I'm out of the country again, and this time indefinitely. It's better this way, but I do miss him like crazy.