Ah, but perhaps a friendship was lost ;-(

If people are the treasure (which I believe) and the intentions of ones heart is not to offend, yet offense occurs, isn't that sad?

I struggle with that. I'm sure it better to feel than not to feel, but boy, I don't know how yet how not to hurt. I know, detatch...but I can't. But if I never feel sad, I could never feel happy, so I'll take the bitter with the sweet.

I am SO grateful to be alive! but I am so sad. Two weeks ago, I didn't feel anything much. I'll take it like it is, and I don't ever want to NOT feel again.

I know my worst enemy is fear. And the truth is, I'm so afraid I'll disappear back into the hole of deprssion. There. I voiced it. FEAR IS NOT MY FRIEND. I have learned that lesson time and time again. My (integrative)doctor, whom I love, even if he irritates me at times, asked me point blank once: "Where is your faith?" FROM A DOCTOR.(oh yea, doctors are people to :-)) Boy, that stung. And I took it to heart--because when he asked, I didn't have any faith,nor hope, nor charity. I was in a hole. If you've never been there,deep depression, I hope you never are. If you have, you understand.I wouldn't wish it on anyone. (Well, I have wished my husband could dream it, so he could have an inkling...little smile through tears.)

I have my hope back right now; the love for people is blossoming back in my heart, and I have more faith, but not enough yet. The Depression has always come back, even when I was sure that it was the time I'd learned whatever I needed to learn-physically, emotionally, spiritually-- and I so don't want it back this time. I'm scared.

Don't know why all this just poured out. I guess I need to get out all the 'SADS".
I've got to go get back to sleep.
Good night, I will be sleeping soon, oh please....

pj
p.s. I didn't sleep that is, one hour in the tub, one this morning on the couch. That was it. sigh
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