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Re: friends w/benefits
  Views: 1,576
Published: 17 years ago
This is a reply to # 536,020

Re: friends w/benefits

Hi, thanks for the honesty in your note. you sure did fess up to your feelings in that one. now the only thing that isn't clear is, what is it that you want to do that you can't do with him? is it just the idea of settling down somewhat permanently that bothers you, or are there specific things that you want to do without him, like see other guys or move to another spot in the world of work?

now you've said that you really do love him, and that's a truly crucial thing. i think it is absolutely fair for you to know what you want out of life before settling down. that's a strength.

i think some of your fears about hurting him are really your own fear about being involved with a new guy. as far as moving on from your old guy, wow i commend you. not everyone would have gotten the support you did, and made it a personal victory to move on, but you did. if you really want to be with this guy deep inside (just for now), then its a personal victory to be with him. and if you really want to spend a year in zanazbar alone without him, then that's the victory. and if you decide that there's things you want to do alone but that you really love him and don't want to end it, then that's the victory. the present is one thing and the future is another, and letting fears about the future get in the way of the present isn't fair to you. doing whatever your deepest desire for this particular time period is, is the victory. let the future take care of itself - after all, you can't get there until you're really here.

i do think you've got what is your responsibility and obligation to yourself vs. to him alittle confused. you said 'being in a relationship is about letting the other person grow and be who they are.' well, not really. its your friend's responsibility to be who he is and to grow. and its your responsibility to be who you are and to grow. and a relationship is about not witholding love when the other person shows who they really are. so i really commend you for wanting to know who you are and what you want to do. and i think the more honesty you get with it, the more he'll understand where you're at - even if what you're saying to him is 'i don't know where i'm at, and i'm scared that i may unwittingly hurt you.' let him take responsibility for his own feelings. you don't need to.

i don't think him being a year younger than you means anything. a year isn't much, i think the scary thing here is that he loves you, not that he's younger.

i gotta tell you, i have the utmost of respect for you. when i read your note, i went 'whoa!' here is a person who really is deep and has alot going for them. esp. when i read the part about your old boyfriend and what he did and how you got over him with the support of your friends. i truly respect what you've done. i also think that your new relationship still has some kinks in it because of the depth of the amount that you were hurt.

i know this is a long note but... i just gotta say. when i met my husband i didn't know that i was in love with him. yes, i always wanted to have sex with him. :-) but even on my wedding day (and i am embarrassed to say this) i still had a crush on another guy. i thought i was doing the wrong thing, that i was taking advantage of him (sound familiar?) because i might not be able to stick it out for my entire life. i always knew he was the 'lifer' and i was the flighty one. that's still true. now, 13 years later, i know that for me, the victory was in sticking it out - with him. i love him and don't have a crush on anyone else. i've been sick and unable to make love with him for 3 years. (getting better now). he has stuck by me in a manner that many men wouldn't have. he also stuck by me 10 years ago when i had a small surgery go wrong and i couldn't walk for 1 year. he has proven his love to me in a zillion ways. i love him back and don't want to be with anyone else. (he's 4 years younger than me).

but, my husband doesn't support me totally. i have a big psychic bent and there are always going to be 'weird' people (in his mind) at our house. and i eat healthy food, organic, and he eats bbq & beer. he even makes beer jokes and that is so unlike me it really weirds me out. in the end, if i decide that he's not allowing me to be myself by supporting my innermost desires, or even worse, being derisive towards them, than i would leave him. becuase i'm not going to allow anyone to stop me from my growth & fulfillment. i know after reading your note you identify with that. but i'm upfront with him about it, and my true feeling is, as long as i communicate with him, and he is open to changing alittle (which just means being open enough to support me in my wishes, and not to disparage them), we'll make it though beautifully.

i think on one hand you'd like to tell him youre scared of hurting him in the hopes that he'll break it off and make it easy on you. but does that really serve you? i don't think we get out of our growth that easily, and it sounds like getting over the past relationship by fulfilling yourself - in whatever way you wish - is growth.


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