Burns....thanks, and understandings

Andreas,
I used the bentonite clay; now the burns are pink skin. Continue with bentonite or move to something else? I think I soaked in too many tubs of epson salts....

The past life explanation didn't resonate--it was a lot closer than that. I sometimes feel that use "past life" beliefs as a scapegoat, when, in my case, it was choices I was making right then and there. You couldn't know--you only know the part of the story I shared. But reading your response, I knew.

I was 'burning mad" and I didn't realize it. My husband had finally said what I'd waited to hear for at least 20 years (we just 'celebrated' our 26th anniversary--we'd been married during Thanksgiving holiday all those years ago) AFTER I told him my body was in too much pain to converse....it was 5 a.m., I'd been laying awake. but still downstairs for 3 or 4 hours to let my circadian rhythms do whatever they needed, but I was hurting physically and emotionally.

He said, finally, "How is our relationship ever going to get better if we don't communicate?"

I've been saying that verbally for 12 years. So that's a good thing that HE said it? Except that it came from HIS discomfort--and after I'd explained a week before, although I loved him, and had been 'available' and seldom, over the past 26 years, refused his desire for physical intimacy, that, I was giving myself some time to figure things out.
I'd believed that because our communication was poor, and money was tight, that the physical aspect of our marriage was what had held it together for the past 12 years, and I must try to be available regardless of how depressed or uninterested I was. I just decided to let that fear go, and take the burden "of keeping the marriage together" off MY shoulders. It's a MARRIAGE--it takes TWO. I do love him; he is a good father, but ....

So after our little 'non-conversation" he said, "Okay" and went back to sleep and closed the door to the bedroom and bathroom, leaving me to deal with my physical pain alone. I was trying to carry my tea, my vitamix filled with blended green things (parsely, greens, etc) and a jug of distilled water, and bending to open the door (I'm thinking, I'll be nice and not 'disturb' him, but why in the bleep did he close the door, he could see I'd need to get though , and I SAID I was in pain, and he just goes to sleep....I'm angry and trying to be 'considerate'--I'LL SHOW HIM who the nice person is....yea, right... and I spilled the boiling tea as I leaned to get to doorknob....I had long johns on (it's cold downstairs) and ....it was no accident. I was hurting; I got hurt. I was boiling mad. My feelings we "boiling". I've seen the pattern-- If I get angry, leave the 'present moment', and am focused on making a case against him(blaming), I get physically hurt. Boiling tea, boiling wife. The truth is, I'm carrying too much in this relationship, and it hurts me that even if I "cry for help" by moving downstairs, it's up to me. He couldn't help me with the burn--didn't know where any of the things I use for burns are. He choses not to be interested in my life, and acts annoyed if I ask about his. I used to share to much; now I'm letting it go. I've quit pushing him to share. And I'm not forcing the communication. I'm taking care of myself for the first time....and I'm still not 'sure' I can. What a mess.

So, I'm grateful for the burn and what I'll learn from it...yet, as you advised " I wouldn't ponder over all this too much. Just take each moment as a blessings, even if it disguised as a problem. All problems are opportunities for growth"

And sometimes growth is painful AND messy.

Perhaps there are a lot of 'scars' to be healed.

pjangel (his nickname for me is 'angel'. But my wings feel broken right now, I need to take care of me instead of everyone else first...that's new...and not easy)

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