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Re: How do I heal this relationship?
fsnaturelady Views: 1,476
Published: 14 years ago
This is a reply to # 493,183

Re: How do I heal this relationship?

I read your post with interest; I, too, tend to be black/white and my husband tends to be a loner; we have been married for almost 35 years. I hope that I may comment on your post.

When my husband is not in a talkative mood, I'll ask the questions AND give the answers -- saves him the agony of having to answer and I get the right answer!! :)

Your husband loves you as best he can. You must accept him and love him the way that he is. He works for his family; he probably is not interested in analyzing himself to death. I have two sons and know from my three men that they handle their lives differently than I, as a woman, do. They have no wish to get into my analysis of everything.

You are the one who wishes to communicate to great depths because that is how you feel the relationship should be; in your attempts to drawn him into discussions (which seem to be painful for him), you are, in effect, trying to have control over him and so he goes further inward for his own protection. Instead, accept that your husband loves you as best he can. He does not need to be forgiven for being himself.

You are the one who sees his behaviour as a transgression (of the way that you think). You need to love yourself as a whole person. This is a life-long activity! :) You are depending on him to make you feel loved. That does not happen. Only you can do that. Reading Andreas' books may be very beneficial for you. Anything that can help you to realize that events are neutral and it is we who attach emotions to them; then, the event becomes positive or negative.

Remember, you are a glorious soul who has come here to polish your spirit and to learn various lessons. Your husband, too, is a glorious soul who has come here to work through life's difficulties with you.

Then, love your husband by doing various kindnesses for him -- small things that he might appreciate -- favourite cake or dinner; walk to a favourite place; buy him a new tie -- something that he would like. As you do loving things for him, you will feel good about yourself; he will start to open up more -- because he will feel safe to expose himself without a third-degree interrogation about his feelings.

Forgive yourself for expecting him to love you in a specific way. He knows only how to love you in his own way. Forgive yourself for your particular expectations about your relationship. Once you do that, and those expectations fall away, you will be free to explore the real relationship which you share.

My own life experience has taught me (slowly!) that no matter how much we may want a particular type of relationship, we have to work with the reality of life: an individual can change himself/herself, but no one else. Each has his/her own path to follow -- and they are probably quite happy following it!

Kindest thoughts.



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