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Tommy Cooper Gags
 
dthoma Views: 480
Published: 16 years ago
 

Tommy Cooper Gags


>
> 1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
> press the hash key..."
>
>
> 2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>
> 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
>
>
> 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
>
>
> 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..
>
>
> 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
> "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
> can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
>
> 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
>
> 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
> it.
>
>
> 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
> hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>
> 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
> says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>
> 11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
>
>
> 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
> anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
> him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
> cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
>
>
> 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
> backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>
>
> 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
>
> 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>
> 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
> me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
>
>
> 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
> in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or
> my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
> Colin.
>
>
> 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
> one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>
> 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
> other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
> 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
> left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
>
>
> 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
> places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
 

 
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