Jesus Loves you still! I have times when I feel that the sins I've commited are just so bad, why would God forgive me? Every time I fall short of righteousness, he is STILL waiting for me with his arms wide open, never once loving me any less. Sometimes it is so hard to grasp the meaning of his grace, but the fact that he paid for my sins makes me hate them more and more. Even sometimes I feel like I am so drawn to sin, how can I be sustained? How can I stand in the day of judgement, guiltless? It's going to be pardon, not my righteousness. God will pardon you, but you have to know his son.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love... I will never leave you, nor forsake you."
Blessings be on you! I pray that the Lord would open your heart, so that he can heal your guilt and fear.
I would like to encourage you about finding a church family, the Lord knows people in your area, just continue to pray for him to send them your way. It may be that your church family does not meet every week or even in a building, but the Lord's people are all over the place!