It has broken my heart to see all of the people in pain on this forum- I'm thinking and praying for all of you.
I have been raped twice, at different times, by two different people. I was drugged for one of them (something slipped in my drink) and drunk for the other. I realize now that I put myself into some bad situations back then (happened when I was 22, now I'm 27) and am thankful that I changed my ways.
I think it's hard for me to recognize these as concrete rapes as I wasn't coherent for either of them- I try to get out from under the "rape" designation by saying that it was just an "unfortunate situation" because I was out of it. I do see that there was NO excuse for the guys to have done what they did- especially if I was passed out... but at the same time, I don't really know what happened, either, so I'm not sure I was raped. Both men were "friends" but not romantic interests. One said that he was really drunk and we just "did it" (the time where something was slipped in my drink, I could just sense it after I drank and it and then passed out shortly afterwards)- he tried to make it sound like it was mutual- but I was way passed out and don't remember anything... and I know I wouldn't have gone after him- and the other, well, I remember him giving me really good tasting, strong alcoholic drinks... so I didn't know that I was getting drunk as quickly as I was. I have no idea what his true intentions were, but he was and is a nice guy- I woke up having anal pain and I was naked in his bed. I know I got sick and threw up on my clothes, so it would make sense that he took them off- I know he put me in his shower as soon as we got to his house because I had throw up all over me. My clothes were all wet, he probably just hauled me out of the shower into the bed, I have no idea. He said I was asking for it (which I have no idea about because I was drunk.) Whether I was drunk or not, he should have known better than to take advantage of me while I was intoxicated, right?
I have no way to contact either of these guys.. and I wouldn't really want to, given the subject matter. I think I just don't know how to go about thinking about what happened in my head, whether I should address the situations as rapes, or alcoholic irresponsibility, or sexual assults, or what. I am getting ready to go get treated with EFT, so I'm hoping that will help. I just need a little closure!
If anyone has any thoughts for me, I would sure appreciate them! Thanks so much, and much healing and love to all of you.