Here's hope, but you'll have to provide the faith....

and there is a lot of compassion(charity) on this site.

I'm going to share a couple of odd "blessings" I've had a long this "path" of depression. I guess it's part of 'my story'. (keep reading, there is a happy ending--smile)

About a year or so into the (hellish, deep, black, painful etc etc) depression....I met a girl at a retreat. She shared with everyone how she had tried to take her life, and that if it wasn't your time, you ended up with a lot of pain. She said she'd planned it perfectly; it should have worked, and instead she'd added physical pain to her misery. I was thinking at the time of which tree, which curve....exactly what she shared....that rule that one out....and it stuck.

Then 2 or 3 years later, when I was SURE everyone would be better off without me, I found a "how to kill yourself" site on the internet. However, it also told (graphically) what the failed attempt ends up as. It wasn't true that everyone would be better off without me....and after visiting that site....I stayed around. It 'scared' me into staying alive. But I was still miserable for even THINKING about killing myself.

My depressions got more bleak, but less violent. Less than six months ago, I decided that this was going to be my life..not feeling, no joy, no notiong..I was too kind to ever cause my family that kind of pain, and I knew that I would just wake up on the other side, and feel terrible for the pain I had caused--so I'm feeling yucky, miserable, mental anguish, but pretty used to it after 11 years...no ones home, and this thought 'pops' into my mind "You should kill yourself right now. All the kids are home, and they wouldn't have to disrupt their lives to come home for the funeral. THAT would be the thoughtful thing to do". HOW to do it also came with the 'thought'. (some innocent person, not knowing I suffered from clinical Depression had been to my house at dinner and shared how this woman had killed her husband, and almost not got caught. Gosh, what people say when they don't know where you are at. After all those years, I could hide my Depression as well as an alcholic hides their drinking. You look normal...so people assume you ARE normal..Anyway, I digress....I was at the part where the little voice in my head had suggested how considerate I would be to kill myself RIGHT then.

It scared me enough I immediatly called my "counselor" (spiritual coach, life coach, whatever) and he explained that there are beings who can put thoughts in our minds, that he knew me well enough to know it wasn't my thought, and that it was playing on my "kindness". For safety however,and for good measure, he said he knows of adults who, who 30 and 40 years later, still have not recovered from their parents suicide. That got me past that crisis. The story of course, goes on..

So, that's the "odd" blessings I've had.

Now for the GOOD NEWS. I am not depressed right now. I'm not "home free" either....I still have some health/spiritual/emotional issues to work on, but like Uniquity, I'm planning on complete and total healing this time and SOON. I'm not home free, but I AM Depression free--and you don't know how wonderful it feels to feel human; joyful, even sorrowful....again. I AM SO GLAD TO BE ALIVE....and there is a purpose for everything. I've learned so much along the way. A sunrise that I can face without trepidation--that's a treat that some people, who haven't been where you are, and Uniquity and I and others have been....don't know.

I chose to do it without drugs after the first 4 years (it's been 12). And I did have 'breaks' from the depression a long the way. It didn't make it any less difficult or less painful. Maybe more. But I was always looking for someone who could say "I've made it". That's what is so wonderful about this "community".

Hold on, the light will come.(that song appeared just before the deep depressions started) But you have to learn, be willing to change, examine many aslpects of yourself, and perhaps your "miracle" will be a challange. Mine has been. Some get the overnite variety, God knew I needed the bigger lesson.

Take care, blessings, and listen: choose carefully whose advice you listen to. Oh, yea, when you are deeply depressed, it's hard to know WHO to listen to. Okay, while you are still in crisis....listen to Uniquity.....that will do for now. Other 'angels' will appear. They did for me. In people form. And you can always ask me...except this angels wings are fluttering as fast as they can...I have 5 children, and a marriage in crisis....but I can deal with it. I am NOT DEPRESSEd. Hooray!

So, it works if you work it, and all the good 12 step stuff. Now, listen to U and Me....(for the hope part) and .....it will pass....depressions are your life's way of teaching you....Myss....spiritual madness....I used to listen to her tapes....but you start with the simple things....and know YOU are responsible for you. And YOU can do it.

blessing, love, hope, and all that good stuff...
peace and joy are not as far away as they seem at the moment,
pjangel

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