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Published: 6 years ago
This is a reply to # 2,394,477


First of all, I could not get through your volumes of concerns. It's too long for one post, and this tells me a couple of very important facts about your situation. You are very upset, very afraid, and working like a fiend to keep this ill-fated marriage together. This also tells me that you would benefit from some individual counseling therapy and, perhaps, separate from your spouse while you sort some of this out for yourself.  What he does, what his family does, what his friends do not have control over any of this.  You only have control over your own choices and decisions, and making a wise decision and choice requires heavy duty contemplation, not knee jerk emotions.  In other words, what we feel is not what "is."  What "is" doesn't involve feelings or emotions - it just "is."  And, it "is" a fact that you cannot manage this dysfunctional family.  You can only manage yourself, bottom line.

You feel obligated to make the world a good place for this man - to make up for his family dysfunction so, in due time, he will trust you, love you, and appreciate everything that you do and sacrifice for him. In return, he will stop behaving badly, stand up against his dysfunctional family, and finally become the man that you know he can be. This will never, ever happen.

If he is not being honest in therapy, he's not going to be honest in recovering, and he isn't honest or truthful with you in daily life, either. Yeah, you're married and you had a wedding and all of that, but you are young enough to learn from this decision, sort yourself out for a couple of years, and try, again.  What you thought isn't what "is." 

Nobody has the power or control to make a tin can turn into a fluffy kitten, and this guy is bad news. His family is bad news. I was married to someone that seemed different from his family and I made myself believe that he was a great fellow. He was a very, very bad man and I'm not going into what he did in this post. The point I'm trying to make is that we often will try to make something fit into our systems of beliefs and values when whatever it is clearly cannot and will not. This fellow will not turn out the way you're expecting him to.

Good luck to you.


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