I'm under no illusions pineapple. I know how destructive mental illness is. I have a sister who has been bi-polar for over 40 years now, and still shows no signs of ever coming out of it. It's now looking like only her final resting place will give her release from her torment.
I had to say something to counter the well-meaning but misguided advice I gave earlier when I was unaware of the OP's true state. I have now edited that post, but I'm well aware that the chances the OP will pay heed to anything I say are next to zero.