Re: Married into Narcissistic family
Hello there! I know this is an old post, but It hit me so hard like a ton of bricks! I cried when I read it last night, I re-read it to my sister just now, and boo hood again!. I am so sorry about what you've had to live through.
I see my situation so perfectly through your story. A bit of variation of course, each family is different, but on the whole, the same crap I've been dealing with for 13 years. The mother (my mother in law) (even though Im not really legally married to my narc), is the supreme "narc being" in the family. The dad (father in law) is semi narc and has no say in much of anything but money issues. He is the same as yours, money is supreme, perfection in building a house, say, which we were trying to do, is ultimate. If my man wanted to use some electrical conduit he had had for years, it wouldn't be good enough for his dad, we'd have to buy new. Stuff like that with dad, but I love him to the moon.
The mother (the original narc in this immediate family) comes from a long long long i mean long line of women narrs in this family. I see it all so clearly now. She is such a control freak, but at the same time, will give you bags and bags of groceries if youre hungry, shirts, underwear lol, anything she can do to please you, but you are DEFINITELY gonna hear about it sometime later as in (well of course you enjoyed your food i made, it was FREE - hahahaha, always at my expense.
She was very young when they got married (i think 15 and he was 17) and they had a daughter (shes the emotional one) then the son "the golden child" the "heir", the "jr" to his daddys sr.
Apparently, other than being WAY TOO YOUNG TO MARRY AND HAVE KIDS, SHE WAS JUST A KID HERSELF, she told her son at some point in his lil years that she didnt have time for him or something. One story ive heard from my man is that he had to learn to cook for himself at an early age because his mama was laying on her bed in her bedroom surrounded by romance novels that reached the same level as the bed all over the room (there was a trail to get to the bed) the rest of the room was filled with books. I think maybe he was crying from hunger and she said something like "would you shut up, youre getting on my nerves
" or some such crap.
For reference to how I may know this, last year me and her son got really sick after living in a travel trailer that was full of toxic black mold. She had stated a few days before this, after we had suffered terrible respiratory, and other problems, that she would take us to the emergency room 40 miles away (we live in the country). Ok, so one morning I wake up in severe pain and am crying from it. I tell him I wanna go to the ER. Call your mother. Please. Ok. He does, meanwhile, getting mad because other than being a narc, he is an alcoholic also, so triple that 100 times lol, that you talked about.
I get ready, dressed, all that, she pulls up in her car, honks the horn, I say come on baby we are goin to the doctor. He hems and haws, pacing because he has to leave his beer home (morning remember) (his mistress must remain home lol), so I go get in the back seat of her car. I am really in a lot of pain now, and maybe, just maybe, i wimpered a lil too loud. She turns to look at me and says "Would you hush, you are getting on my nerves".
In context, I was so shocked, because my mother would have never said anything like that to us, and did not. I was extremely lucky to grow up in a non narc family.
I should have opened the door, slammed it, because it made me so mad, I forgot about the pain for a minute, because it was HER who said I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR hundred of times when this sickness began for us.
I did not, I quit wimpering, I didnt say a word the whole 40 miles, and that is so unlike me. I love to talk.
She knew she had upset me very much. Nothing. No feeling for anyone. No Im sorry I said that. No Im sorry I have a headache, that why I hollered at you, NOTHING. EMPTY. What did you call it? EMPTY. a shell of a person.
Granted, this lady and I have become very close over the years, and I adore her. Shes always been what I thought was just a "control freak". Until I started reading about narcs, that's all I understood of it. Now I see so much. A giant 13 year tunnel of the crap they have all put me through. Yes, I stuck around and accepted all the criticisms, it was always in their context of "helping us", or "helping me" to whatever, grow, learn, blah blah blah.
I am staying with my sister now, and we are together are learning and healing from this abuse. My sister is really a control freak, but she is not a narc in the way in that she is not a cruel person, she is not out to hurt anyone or their feelings deliberately.
Its more of an OCD thing. Tells me thats not where that goes, I understand because I moved in with her, so this is totally acceptable for me.
She calls herself now a narc repellant. I am a narc empath. She has come up with one question for anyone to find out which one they are, narc repellant or narc empath. (My husband never really liked her). The question is: You are deeply in love with your spouse, he (she) says "Get me a drink". ok so this is a multiple choice question.
A. You move at the speed of light to grab it for them.
B. You say are your legs hurting today? (joking, but get it yourself sort of).
She is B, I have been A for way way too long.
So anyway, I am done. I am 'RUNNING FORREST RUN". I had an epiphany right before I came to stay with her. I was laying on our bed, he was passed out in his chair, and I said to myself-SELF either lay here in this bed and die, or get up off your arse and LIVE.
I choose to live. Ive had 3 weeks today of the best time of my life. No controlling, scary, angry, rages, no controlling mother who has to repeat to me 3 or 4 times on the way to get her milk, WE ONLY DRINK 1% NOW. she has reminded me since they quit the 2% every time I go to the store for her.
(by the way the last time she said can you pick me up some milk please, i said yes, then i said "IF YOU TELL ME TO BUY 1% again, I will never ever ever buy your milk ever ever again. LOL.
These people are scary and real. Im out. Peace to all who live in these creepy worlds. Its an IM HAVING A SITUATION!!!!! hehe. Good luck. Get out!!!!