I couldnt believe how many people took the time to respond to my post. Years of experience and wisdom in each one...
Your response was my favorite. As for your point about my spiritual beliefs, it may be that I am so disgusted with organized religion that I forget that religion is only society's way of handling the God questions we all have. The girl i mentioned before that I cant get over is very religious, and very hipocritical and fake. The human experience has the potential to be such an indescribably beautiful and amazing thing,(thanks marijuana) i have never accepted that things have just happened by "chance." I also think too much of this potential to believe that this world is just a dress rehearsal. Making the leap from realizing that there are some incredible creative forces at work in the universe to thinking there's this God who actually "loves" us or cares about our well being is something I cant quite seem to do...It must be a wonderfully comforting thing for the millions who can. To think that everything happens "for a reason," to think there is some kind of justice in the world, or satisfaction for all your unsatisfied longings.
I was raised as a "southern baptist" and decided that I wanted to be baptised at the age of six. Putting that down in words kind of took me back for a second...six years old?? Seems most people dont get that fearful of the world and their own nature for many years...
To try to make a long story short, over the next several years I guess i grew up, actually experienced the way the world works. OJ simpson plays golf with a big smile on his face everyday,innocent people die in tsunamis, everyone worships the most filthy immoral athletes and rappers, go swarm to watch movies about thieves and adultry.
Trying to not get off into a tangent here. I apologize for not responding sooner...I literally havent had the energy. Last week i switched majors from Industrial Design (product design, cars, furniture, etc) to a liberal arts program. Trying to register i got so irritated and pissed off that i just left the computer room and went home to flop in bed. I feel the same way I did last year...had just switched majors(from which i switched BACK to ID...) and couldnt get myself out of bed. I lasted about two weeks into the semester until my parents made me withdraw. I came home for a few weeks (in bed, and i hate being home) then made myself get up, move back down to atlanta with my brother and got a construction job. The first few days i thought of nothing but how i would kill myself. Here I am again. I dont know how long I will last this time, but I sure as hell am not going home again.
I've always felt bad talking about my home life as a reason for my depression. My counselor tries to get me to do it, she seems to think its the root of everything. Talking to my mom a few weeks ago she told me she wishes she could just "punch out" or something like that (kill herself) but then said "but what about your little brother and sister?" She is overwhelmed with the problems of each of her four kids. I think if I killed myself she wouldnt be too far behind. She has always been an emotional wreck my whole life, screaming in the most horrifying way every day of my childhood at her four kids. Crying uncontrollably, saying things like "if i had a gun i'd shoot myself" in front of her young kids.
When i asked her about her depression, she told me it hadnt been a lifelong thing for her. Something "caused" it, but she would never tell me what. A few months ago I went out to dinner with my dad. He broke down crying in the restaurant and ended up telling me he cheated on my mom when i was in the womb. She found out a few years later. Funny thing is i didnt feel anything...no anger towards my dad. My mom had lots of issues from childhood from her father's abuse, but my dad telling me this explained alot of my mom's Depression and alcoholism. I used to wonder "why am I the only one so screwed up? what about my siblings?" I am beginning to see that I'm not the only one...They all have major problems, but none have gone through any major depression. Getting into their stories would make this way too long. I love my dad, but I think he is emotionally and socially retarded. He doesnt understand people, how to make friends, how to talk about problems, etc. He thinks he has it made because he's been so successful in his business over the past several years. It seems money and toys are all it takes to make him happy. He has said several times that he wishes he didnt have these obligations in life to deal with (his family). I cant be around him when I'm depressed because i think he just sees me as weak and lazy.
As for what I have (had) been looking at doing to try to improve things...These programs that call for going all or mostly vegetarian seem like they would be impossible for me. I think I need lots of protein, and there are many who say that nutritionally there are different "types," of which a protein type is one. I get no physical Sugar cravings if i eat lots of protein with no sugar/starches. This makes alot of sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Look at the healthy eskimos with 90% of their diet consisting of meat...Some people can thrive on vegetation alone im sure, but not all. I have irish/british ancestry. There is so much conflicting info out there on this subject that I have read, I have found it impossible to stick with anything. Weak, yes, but nothing is clear-cut about what I should be eating to get into optimal health. When all i can find the motivation to do is lie in bed and go to mcdonald's...As sad as that is, please keep in mind I have done what it takes to keep a very high gpa at a difficult school for three years. Although i feel like I'm worthless, i still remember that. There always seems to be things that make me want to keep going. I went out with a friend to an art show a few nights ago, and ended up meeting this girl who supposedly likes me, asked for my phone number and gave me hers! she said she thought i was "really cool" what the hell? I cant imagine how anyone would want to be around me. So here i am, once again egged on by the prospect of human love and connection, once again asking for help