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My 20 years of pain.
 
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Published: 18 years ago
Status:       RN [Message recommended for CureZone Newsletter!]
 

My 20 years of pain.


I didn't realize how bad my Depression and anxiety was as a kid. I had a mentally (and sometimes physically) abusive father. I am 30 years old, and I know I have Depression, Anxiety, and AADD. I've had them all for as long as I can remember. I just didn't have a name for it all. All of these interfere with how I can function in society. I bury it. I hide it, and I suffer every second I live. My hubby doesn't even know how bad I really am. I think about death and dying non-stop. I think about people around me dying, and I get upset and cry. I have a beautiful family, and a great and interesting job. I'm not severely stressed, but little things set me off. I'm afraid to go to a doctor for help, because I really don't want to be on drugs, however, I think I should be because I have so many problems in my head. The anxiety makes me ill, and I have constant strains in my neck from it. I want to die every day, but I don't know how to stop the thoughts. I cry when I am going to bed every night, and my husband doesn't understand, so he gets mad at me, and this makes me worse, and then I can't sleep, and I think of how I want to die more. Whoever is reading this are the only ones who know about this. I don't tell anyone, and I'm afraid of losing my job over it. I don't want my husband to yell at me anymore. I tell him some of how I feel and he just gets mad at me and yells at me. I know I need help. I tried so many times to get it. I always back out saying I don't have time, or money and making all kinds of excuses. I had a whole handful of asprin in front of my mouth the other day before I realized what I was doing. I thought of my child and how I want to see her grow up, and I put it back in the bottle. I have no self esteem and I hide from my friends. I ride on fumes in my car so I don't have to talk to a gas attendant, and I avoid outside contact. My job depends on it, so I have to fix this. I have a few OCD's but they are not extreme (like I have to close all the doors or drawers open in my house).I go to school, and I work full time, and go to the gym and do yoga, and try to do things that take my mind off of this stuff, but as soon as I'm done that activity, it creeps back in again. Sorry for the rambling, I'm just a mess, I suppose.
 

 
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