I am truly sorry that you have had to endure all this at such a young age. Know that you are a Survivor and that you are strong, even though you don't think you are. Lots of people could not cope with what you have gone through, so that proves that you are strong and that you will survive and thrive. If you can overcome all this then you will be able to surmount all obstacles that life throws at you. You are also strong in that you were so worried about your mom and her feelings, putting her above yourself. I hope that in the future you will know that you should always come first to a degree. Your mother was in shock with her reaction and it was a little selfish of her to react that way without thinking of your feelings and your shame and how you were trying to protect her, instead of protecting yourself. All she could think about was how she failed you and not how you were the adult and protected her, even after. You are truly a sweet, innocent, forgiving child and you never were dirty or guilty of anything. This reminds me of a story about a teacher who asks if anyone wants a dollar and then he spits on it, crumples it up and steps on it rubbing it in the dirt and asks if anyone still wants it and everyone still says yes, because the worth of the dollar is still there. No matter what anyone says or does to you, you still have the same worth and value. There is nothing that anyone can do to you to make you less than the wonderful, pure person you are. What they do is a reflection of them, not of you. You are clean and good and a survivor and a light to others that they can overcome.