thank you I believe in prayer and think God is helping me work it out but it is so scary sometimes I get weak and peace is hard to find right now.
I have felt he was working through this though and am closer to him than I was before..trying to listen to his counsel
the timing was odd as this message was just posted right when I was scared about a hemotoma that formed and posting on that so this must be in His timing to remind me to trust him with this too
He has already brought some good from bad. In a odd set of circumstances, this cancer and bad developments brought me into better relationship with some of the people in my family who hurt me the most in life.
God once told me I was one of the least among us he refers to at the last judgment and that he would use me to judge some of those who knew me by how they treated me.
I thought at the time it was to condemn them for being so uncaring and mean to me but this and a letter I wrote and attempts to not hold unto hurts that I nursed for 4 decades brought some of these relatives to a closer relationship or at least not negative contact with them and helped rekindle some love.
We are saying I love you when we speak..I have not seen them--one a sister in 5 years till the day I told her and it went well. she even called me the day of surgery.
I told them of my desperate need for money to try to buy the things to save my life and they responded with maybe helping me with a check each month for a while
When I spoke in my impassioned and gut wrenching plea for help in this, my hour of need, in part, of the last among us being right before them and told them of my need and that if I recovered they would share a part in any good I would do by hopefully, curing myself and bringing hope and knowledge to others in my shoes with cancer, they responded with open hearts.
It turns out that God will be judging them for how they treated me--the least among us--not by condemning them or pointing out they also did not help him when they did not help me but instead and incredibly by blessing them instead by helping me --the current least among them...for he said if you do not help your own relative in need right in front of you do not say you love God,
Mind you these people formerly treated me very badly and hurt me to the depth of my being..one could almost say they were my enemies and he used a horrible tragedy to bless them both in this life by feeling good about helping and in the next life by saying what you did to Jane you did to me..never did I expect that/
That my enemies would one day bless me and care and that my suffering might bring them more happiness by showing they acted as Go wished.
How odd I thought that god used this tragedy in my own life to bless those I have considered my enemies and hated and avoided after decades of neglect and abuse.
While also using it to bless me and to rekindle feelings of love to help me get over the resentment and pain by them showing me they cared.
That I am ok with him blessing them by my suffering and know it is helping to get rid of negative thoughts that will keep me sick, is also of God's wisdom and my own willingness to try to forgive and reach out when I was first rebuffed in a way.
He takes your seed and makes it grow it seems.
Their prayers, calls, money help and tears helped me see they did care-at least some and far more than I thought-- and this is helping me heal..the fact he used me to bless them who had hurt me more than almost anyone in life is just so amazing and shows God's love for all of us and his wisdom.
That He has us not only talking again but saying I love you is just so odd, to see right before my eyes instant results and good coming out of bad as the bible promised s when we trust him.