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Unsure of whats really wrong with me.
 
zimzum Views: 1,134
Published: 18 years ago
 

Unsure of whats really wrong with me.


Ok im not one to publicly write whats wrong with me but i could seriously do with a little help and support here otherwise im going to send myself into some sort of psychosis. Heres a little of my story.

Ive suffered from mental health problems for many years and have seeked medical help from various places, ive attended therapy sessions and taken medication. All of which has either made me worse or not done anything at all for me.
Most recently i was told by my doctor i had a chemical inbalance in the brain and was put on medication to increase serotonin in my brain, all the pills did was put me in a half coma for about 60% of the day and nothing more so i stopped taking them. Recently ive been getting myself upset and scaring myself as at times i keep phasing out much to the worry of those near me, im awake but feel as though im asleep and cant really react to the outside world, though im usually sat up and staring at the walls. It usually takes a short sharp shock to take me out of it, or i eventually just "wake up" after some time.

On an average day i get very frustrated with my lack of motivation, ive lost several jobs to being like this, as i get so upset and angry i cant go on, and i end up taking it out on the people around me, and usually taking it out on myself by not eating properly and staying awake for days at a time until i eventually fall into sleep. I know that in itself isnt good for me, and i can see that if i improved my diet and slept regularly i would see an improvement, but i dont.. primarily to punish myself for crimes i have no idea what they are.
I am attempting to self destruct, but not in a suicidal way, just in a way to make myself suffer.

I see myself as an artist, and i write music, these are the things that i love doing, but can no longer do them properly as i get so angry when nothing is working for me, i cant do normal activities like spending time with my friends or just watching tv or reading a book, as i feel i am wasting my time and should be doing something to consume myself and following my dreams, but i cant do that either, so i get stuck in a circle each and everyday, ending the day not feeling worthwhile or having acheived something. As all ive done in that day is waste my time trying and failing to do things.

Sometimes i get a hold of myself and try and sort something out, but i attempt something, and it usually fails and i feel even worse then descend into obscurity again.

The more this goes on the worse i feel and as each and every day passes like this i feel worse and worse and i dont know what to do about it. I know i can improve things myself, but part of me doesnt want to as mentioned before about trying to punish myself.
 

 
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