why I'm i not dead yet?

I have nothing to live for.

Every f***ing day i go to work trying to smile, trying to talk and have fun with others but i can't let myself fully go, express myself, neither open up to others. Because of horrible low self esteem this godamn Body Odor has done to me.

I especially have trouble with girls and theres this one girl at work im especially awkward with, making me look like a retard creep or something.
I really want a girlfriend (never had one) and all the experiences that go with it. I want to know and feel what intimacy with one another feels like, just a normal life is all i ask for.

And like lifes not a bitch enough i have other bizarre health problems everyday i experience something it could be chest pains, dizziness, brain fog, weird feelings, anxiousness, extreme tiredness, eye floaters, puffy eyes, trouble sleeping, insomnia, every f***ing day ever since i was 18. Bad posture, underweight, neck sublixation, heart arrhythmias (also had irregular heart beats every minute for 3 days then it completely vanished) I did a parasite cleanse thinking it had to do with all the weird symptoms. Nope after 10 days on paragone nothing in the stool so i stopped.

And social anxiety(ever since i dropped out of school)
Im now 23 heading for 24 this october. And everyday is like this for me. I eat alone at work, barely talk to others, as others dont bother with me. I am like a sub-human not worthy of others time and affection.

So why i'm i not dead yet? any sane person would of ended it. Tweet