Raped and abused

I was raped several times by my cousin. He's a year younger than me, but he's always been stronger and smarter than me, and he's always gone out of his way to humiliate me whenever possible.

A good highlight is my 11th birthday party. It was just me, five of my best friends from school, and my cousin. He was a year younger than the rest of us, and he didn't know anyone but me, but he somehow managed to rally my friends against me, convince them to strip me naked and deliver a birthday spanking--with his belt. I was naked and crying and begging them to stop, and they stopped to play "pin the tail on the donkey", which meant sticking a drumstick up my ass (he played the drums). I consider that incident my first rape.

For most of my childhood he tricked or forced me into public nudity at every possible opportunity. Usually it was just in front of the family, but it was always massively embarrassing.

He also taught my little sister that she could control me as long as she could get me by the balls. From when I was 12 to 14, every time my sister and I got in a fight, I would wake up the next morning with a string tied around my balls, and she would hold the other end of it, leading me around on a leash, making me do all kinds of humiliating things just so she wouldn't pull on the string extremely hard.

Yeah, that's just some of the impact that this cousin has had on my life.

When I was 13 and he was 12, he told me he'd lost his virginity. Even showed me a picture of the girl, who was 14 and incredibly hot. I still didn't believe him, and for some reason I dared him to prove it. He proved he was capable of sex by raping me, right there in my bedroom. Somehow he talked me into it like some kind of role play, like to illustrate how he did it with the girl. I guess I was really dumb back then, because I didn't realize he was raping me until he'd already stuck his dick in my ass.

Much like all the other humiliations he'd subjected me to over the years, my instinct was to take it in stride, to pretend I was okay with what was going on so I wouldn't look weak--i really didn't want people to feel sorry for me.

So I basically just let my cousin rape me, and he did it several other times over the next two years. It was less consensual on the subsequent times, IE he had to force me into rather than con me and play me for an idiot, but like I said, he was always stronger than me, and he's manipulative a**ho**. Blackmail was used very effectively.

I managed to stop seeing him when I was 15, which also ended the rape.

He did, however, reenter my life when I was 17. His family lives out of town and he came to stay with us for a month one summer because he was checking out colleges.

He didn't rape me while he was living with us, but I did discover that he was having sex (I think it was very consensual sex) with my little sister, who's a year younger than him. I didn't really care that it was incest, I was just jealous that they were both sexually active at their ages, while I was still virginal at 17--unless you count being raped as losing my virginity. The point is I'd never had a girlfriend, and I was hatefully jealous of any guy who had.

So one night, while I could hear them having sex (My room was right next to my sister's room) I barged in, pretending I needed to borrow something from my sister. I figured just interrupting them and depriving them of thier climax would bring me some kind of satisfaction.

The only satisfaction it brought me was that I got to see my sister naked, and she's quite attractive. My cousin was so angry that he once again stripped me naked and gave me a whipping with his belt. aND of course my sister took this opportunity to revive her old custom of hurting my balls.

So anyway, now I'm 26, I'm actually doing okay on my own, got a decent education and I'm holding down a job. But, surprise surprise, I can't have a normal relationship. I've never kept a girlfriend for more than three weeks, and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 23.

I don't see my family anymore, and that's exactly the way I want it.

Sorry for the long post. I know I seem like a bitter, angry guy, but it actually brought me a lot of peace and relief to finally tell someone about all this. I'd like to tell me friends (all new friends, met in the last 8 years), but I don't want them to think of me as someone who lay down and took all this shit.

So thanks for reading. Knowing that people who won't judge me are reading this really helps me out with my growth as a person.

Thanks