To a degree, I agree with your explanation of choosing partners - I believed my spouse to be "safe," loving, and worthy of trust. I was chosen by him to represent a cloak of respectability, as a nurturing mother figure, and as a cash cow.
I am addressing my own issues through counseling, and I have never claimed that I am "innocent," nor am I blameless for my situation. There were red flags, all along, and I chose to ignore them or excuse them.
Although he didn't deserve a physical attack, I did not deserve to be bilked out of nearly 250K, being placed at risk for STD's, and to discover that the spouse was not only having an affair, but engaging in a violence-related activity that included paying a large sum of money to attend gatherings of such like-minded people.
To clarify, what two consenting adults do is none of my business. When a person who is bound by a contract of marriage makes the conscious choice to deceive their spouse and conduct a double life that is dangerous and entertains femicide, torture, and genital mutilation, it's morally, ethically, and in all ways WRONG.