I just wanted to check in. I can't answer anything right now, because things are not stable for me. Meaning, I'm not able to concentrate on anything but what's happening right now, in front of me, at any given moment. Given the weather, my health and where I am living, variables change.
All I can do is the best I can. I do feel that my gut and my adrenals are in crisis, which is leading me to ADD like behavior- meaning I can't focus, I can't put a thought into an action, I forget things, and in general go in circles.
I need to go somewhere. Whether or not that makes sense to anyone else, there is no way I can get better here. Plus, I can't afford to live on my own. So, my options? I don't even know what they are anymore. If I can stay with a friend, I will, but I have to get over my pride, find a suitable situation and make sure I can stay there long enough. Because of my bowel issues, I just can't set myself up with a roomate I don't know- again stress makes everything worse.
I hope you understand. I just can't commit to anything right now. I am trying to even decide if I can order anything this month. I know I'm not getting enough nutrition in to make any solid efforts.
*I just wanted to add...Uny, I hope you don't take this as me not being serious about my healing, or your efforts to help me. I do. But honestly, I'm just hungry. I'm starving. I am not absorbing anything, and when I do eat, it doesn't digest- or I get massive fatigue, pain, etc,etc. I know this is where my adictions come from- my body is just constantly trying to tell me: Look, you need nutrition, and I'm going crazy trying to tell you to get it asap! I crave substances like coffee and chocolate (though I've only had a little decaf recently- regular coffee went out before Christmas) because they are stimulants. Also, they supress hunger. I'm in forced anorexia mode here- or bulimia even, because when I DO eat, I inevtably have do use enemas at least once a day- or else I get worse than I already am.
Even taking the bowel cleansers, or the cayenne, garlic or anything for that matter that can shift my body's balance in ANY way- drives me nuts! The symptoms, I can't control them, I can't control how I react to even supposed 'possitive' changes- I would not be able to make the difference either way, because all I feel is pain. I also wonder if the energy work I did for years has screwed me up in a sense- perhaps my body will never be able to tolerate things the way other people do- or perhaps because of my sensitivity.
I'm not saying that I could never get better- I'm saying that where I am, without the ability to juice full throttle like I *should* and get everything I need- it is useless. To struggle like I did for at least 6 months starting last March, where I DID give it everything I had- I was weak, exhausted, praying every day just to get through another enema, another flush, another juice- still, I know that I would need more nutrition in me, and more programs to tell if the end result would be different.
All I am saying is: I can't do this alone. I also go into detox so heavily and so quickly that I cannot maintain it. So, right now, this is all I can say. Truthfully, I do not want to even try to eat anymore, even if it is produce. I feel that the fiber, in excess is also too stimulating.